Faramarz

A Fictional Story about Islamic Republic’s Cyber Attack on Iranian.com in Retaliation for Recent Virus Attacks on its Nuclear Facilities

In a Secret Bunker near the Holy City of Ghom

In the aftermath of the recent Stuxnet worm attack on the Iranian nuclear facilities, Khamenei called a secret meeting with his top security team to plan retaliation.

Rahbar: ”This attack by the Global Arrogance cannot go unanswered! We will have to respond immediately! Mahmoud, what are our plans?”

محمود: بسمه الله الرحمن الرحیم

Rahbar: ”Cut it out! You are not on CNN anymore! We don’t have time for that stuff!”

Larijani:” Attacking US computer networks are very difficult, but our intelligence resources in the US have identified a softer target. By hitting this target, we can not only show our global reach, but also will take out a source of daily anguish for our supporters. I am talking about Iranian.com site!”  

Firoozabadi: “I have an inside man at Iranian.com. His name is Sargord. He is not physically fit to be under my command! I need to put more meat on him! I was going to use him on a suicide mission. But he could be the perfect inside man to do the job!”

Janati: “How about that lady, Temporary Bride who has visited Iran a few times? She has a culinary school in London. The last time that she was interviewed for a visa, she said that she wants to open a Persian restaurant on Kensington-High Street. We can offer her the seed money and in return, she can travel undercover to Hungary and provide the GPS coordinates for JJ’s laptop! Then we will fire a couple of Sejil missiles and wipe out Iranian.com computers once and for all!”

Firoozabadi: “Sejil is not that accurate! The last time that we tested, it almost hit N. Korea! I think that the homing navigation device needs to be recalibrated!”

Rahbar: “OK, that’s it! Mahmoud, shoot an email to Sargord and activate him immediately!”  

Somewhere in the Midwest

Sargord has been unhappy for the past several weeks. Ever since the Iranian.com readers realized that he doesn’t read or write in Farsi, there has been a barrage of comments in Farsi about him. Sargord finally decided to hire a translation service to counter the Farsi comments.

Sargord: “Come on, hurry, what are they saying?”

Monterey Institute: “You are not going to like this sir! That Majid guy is really funny! And you don’t want to know what Divaneh, Shazde or Anonymouse are saying either!”

Sargord: “OK, OK, that is enough! Why don’t you write something smart and funny! You have my log in information!”

Monterey Institute: “Sir, at $40/hr. we only provide translation services, creative writing is not included!”

Sargord: “Why don’t you say in Farsi that they are a bunch of exiles and are still living in the 1970’s and I have pity on them!”

Monterey Institute: “I’ll say 1350’s instead of 1970’s. It is more authentic!”

As the conversation was heating up, Sargord did not realize that an email from Ahmadinejad was sitting in his in-box.

Iranian.com Global Operations Center, Berkeley, Ca

It has been a busy morning for Foad who has been monitoring the heavy traffic and the comments. His new hire, Jimmy has been sitting quietly in front of the big monitors!

Foad: “Jimmy, what are you doing? Are you watching ESPN again? It is almost lunch time. Why don’t you run down the street and get us some Kabob sandwich and put it on JJ’s credit card!”

Jimmy: “Yes boss! I love Kabob! Can I get some mint-flavored Doogh too?”

Foad, talking to himself: “I regret the day that I told this guy about Kabob! If I don’t move fast he will eat my lunch too!”

Half and hour later, Jimmy shouted from the kitchen of the office complex, “Lunch is here!” As Foad was getting up and running towards the kitchen, he unknowingly pulled the power cord and brought the main server down!

Within seconds the Iranian.com readers around the glob could not connect to the site. Monda and Anonymouse were in the middle of a brown rice recipe discussion. Anahid had just posted her new poem and was waiting for comments. Everyone was getting frustrated!

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Hungarian countryside, JJ was interviewing a Gypsy family for a new piece and was completely unaware of the long outage.

Back at the kitchen of the Operations Center, Jimmy was telling Foad over lunch about his Farsi teacher and both were completely unaware of the outage.

“Yesterday, she asked the class, who can say, “I know a little Farsi!” I raised my hand and said:

من، فارسی کم بلد

“She just burst into laughter! I think that my teacher, Parvin really likes me! How do you impress Persian girls?”

“I’ll teach you how to drink tea with a sugar cube in your mouth! That usually impresses the girls! Or, I can show you how to do a Beshkan with 3 fingers!”

In a Secret Bunker near the Holy City of Ghom

Larijani tried to log in to Iranian.com several times, but nothing happened. The site was down. Rahbar was elated!

Rahbar: “Mahmoud, it is time to celebrate! Why don’t you get some pineapple-flavored Sandis out of the frig! And don’t forget, next year when you are back in New York, make sure that you invite Sargord to your dinner party!”

Firoozabadi, whispering to himself: “He is going to be my top asset in the US, if I could only put more meat on his bones!”