The Fugitive Mahdi!

Balatarin
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The Fugitive Mahdi!
by Faramarz
31-Dec-2011
 


مهدی فراری و مرد یکدست

This story is inspired by the movie “The Fugitive” and the commentary by Iranian.com’s Bahram G. and Oon Yaroo.

The cast as they appear:

12th Emam: Dr. Mahdi Chaahi, aka Mahdi Farari (Dr. Richard Kimble)
Ahmadi: Dr. Chaahi’s Lab Assistant and the Victim
Rahbar: The One-Armed Man
Firoozabadi: Basij Detective (Lieutenant Gerard)

God was not very happy. He had summoned the 12th Emam into his office. Mahdi looked dusty from spending centuries in the well.

“We have a situation with our Shia followers. Rahbar has completely taken over and is claiming that he is in direct contact with me all the time. He has also dismissed you and is calling himself the 12th Emam. Ahmadi has been marginalized and out of work and all that he is doing right now is praying for your arrival.” God shook his head in displeasure.

“Here is what I want you to do. I want you to resurface from the well and see what is going on and fix it. But don’t do any of your Messiah, apocalyptic things. I am not ready for the doomsday yet. Summer Olympics is around the corner and then there is the World Cup in Brazil.”

Meanwhile down on earth, Rahbar was at the podium addressing the annual meeting of the Shia Corp. shareholders “Let me re-assure you that our economic foundation is solid and we have a tremendous growth potential. Rial is as strong as ever. We don’t measure Rial against Dollar, Euro or Yen. We are not subservient to them. We measure Rial against Toman! One Toman was 10 Rials yesterday, it is 10 Rials today and it will be 10 Rials tomorrow!”

The shareholders burst into cheers and chanted, “Yek Toman…10 Rial…Yek Toman…10 Rial…Marg bar Amrika…Marg bar Amrika!” Rahbar motioned the headwaiter to start serving Gheimeh Polo and Sundees.

“But I have taken some major steps to re-align our organization with our goals. I have completely eliminated the Reform Department and have migrated their duties to Sepah and Basij Divisions. And to show my appreciation to the retiring Department heads Mousavi and Karoubi, we have provided them with a generous package that includes housing at an undisclosed location! Also, Ahmadi has been moved from Presidency to Special Projects where he will perform yet-to-be-determined tasks.”

The shareholders again burst into cheers and chanted with their mouths full of Gheimeh, “Yek Toman…10 Rial… Yek Toman…10 Rial…Marg bar Amrika…Marg bar Amrika!”

A few days later, the 12th Emam appeared from the well and set up a medical clinic in Ahmadi’s neighborhood. He called himself Dr. Chaahi and used his miraculous skills to provide medical services to the community. After a few days he met with Ahmadi and offered him a job in his lab. Rahbar who had Ahmadi under close surveillance became suspicious. After all, how could Ahmadi, with a degree in traffic engineering get a job in a lab? Also Dr. Chaahi’s surgical skills aroused suspicion. Nobody knew who he was or where he had come from. Rahbar decided to go to the clinic and find out for himself.

Rahbar put away his robe and turban and put his jugging clothes and ski hat on and slipped out of the back door incognito. He got on his moped and drove to Dr. Chaahi’s clinic. It was late at night but the lights at the lab were on. He quietly entered the lab. Ahmadi who was working on some blood samples immediately recognized him. “Dear Rahbar, what are you doing here at this hour?”

“Stop playing with me. Who is Dr. Chaahi and what are his plans?” Rahbar looked threatening as Ahmadi became scared and started walking backwards. Rahbar grabbed his neck with his let hand and demanded answers. Ahmadi refused. Rahbar struck Ahmadi’s head against the big table. Ahmadi fell to the ground.

At that moment, Rahbar heard the footsteps outside. Somebody was opening the door. He quickly ran and hid. Ahmadi reached out from the floor and grabbed the phone. He pressed the speed dial for Mashaii’s house. Mashaii was screening his calls so the answering machine picked up. “Help…He is killing me…Please help.” Mashaii quickly picked up the phone. “Ahmadi is that you? Who is killing you? Is he still there?” The answering machine was still recording. At that moment Dr. Chaahi entered the lab. Ahmadi tried to warn him, “Mahdi…Mahdi” cried Ahmadi. “Is Dr. Chaahi killing you?” Asked Mashaii. Ahmadi fell on the phone. It went dead.

Rahbar jumped on Dr. Chaahi from the back. They struggled for a while but Rahbar escaped and left the building. Dr. Chaahi tried to revive Ahmadi but he was gone.

Moments later Basij arrived at the scene. “So you are saying that a one-armed man killed Ahmadi?” Asked Lt. Firoozabadi. “What did he look like? Was it his left arm or his right arm? What was he wearing? Lt. Firoozabadi was suspicious of his story. “I don’t know. It all happened so fast. You have to believe me. He killed my assistant.” Firoozabadi looked at his Basiji team and said, “Book him. Take him in.”

The 12th Emam’s trial was swift. Mashaii presented the answering machine’s tape as the key evidence. He was sentenced to death, but was granted a last wish. The 12th Emam always wanted to visit his great grandfather’s tomb, Emam Reza. So he asked if he could go to Mashad. The request was granted. That night, he was taken to Mehrabad by Basiji guards and was put on a Tupolev airplane. The Russian pilots had a wild day of partying and drinking and were totally hung over. As they tried to take off, they veered to the right, got off the runway and hit a fuel truck. The Basiji guards who were not wearing their seat belts hit their heads against the walls and died immediately. The 12th Emam freed himself, opened the plane’s door, pulled the Russian pilots to safety and then disappeared into the night.

Mahdi Farari ran for hours and finally went inside a mosque and hid there. He stole a robe and a turban from the Emam Jom’eh and roamed the streets during the days and slept in the minarets at nights. He would sneak into the mosques’ kitchens whenever he could and eat the leftover Gheimeh Polo with Sundees. He finally decided to go back to the lab and see if he can find some evidence that would lead him to the one-armed man. He remembered that he had grabbed the one-armed man’s beard and had pulled very hard so that he would let go of his neck. Maybe there was some beard or hair left on the floor that he could do a DNA test on and identify the one-armed man.

As he quietly entered the clinic, he noticed that the lights to his office were on. He slowly approached the room and to his surprise he saw Rahbar going through his flies and papers. Rahbar had come to the clinic again to find out who Mahdi Farari was. Mahdi took one quick look at Rahbar’s hand and face and immediately realized that he was the one-armed man. They jumped at each other and started to fight. They threw punches and kicked each other. At the end, Mahdi put Rahbar out of his miseries.

As he was leaving the clinic, Mahdi Farari saw a Basiji Toyota approaching. Lt. Firoozabadi who was sitting in the open back of the truck recognized Mahdi and gave chase. Mahdi ran for a block and then jumped over a wall and went into Ahmadi’s house. In a matter of minutes, he was completely surrounded by Basiji thugs in Ahmadi’s yard. Firoozabadi pulled his gun out and told him to surrender. Mahdi looked around the yard and saw a well. He quickly ran towards the well, put his hands over his head, did a flip and jumped into the well. Lt. Firoozabadi approached the well, shook his head and said, “He is dead. Nobody can survive jumping into a well!”

Kayhan’s headline the next day read, “Our Beloved Rahbar Martyred by CIA. We will close the Strait of Hormuz.”

God looking at all of this from the heavens above let out a sigh of relief. Everything had worked according to the plan!

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more from Faramarz
 
Bahram G

Here's the scoop

by Bahram G on Sun Jan 01, 2012 01:00 PM PST

I checked with Walmart about the sword. Their pr man explained: "the dude paid us in Rials and he got a Chinese made sword. What did he expect? Play money, buys play sword haa haa haa." He further volunteered other information unfit for printing in this highly exulted forum of unsurpassed decorum. But if you want to dig very deep in your dirtiest thoughts you can come close to figuring what kind of epithets he used. He was particularly emboldened after he realized I was Iranian and saw me grin from ear to ear.

 

Keep smiling everyone. The world is a mirror. Smile at it and it will smile back. Spit at it , it will spit back. What? You don't believe a mirror can spit back? Since when you have become an skeptic? You, well aren't you Iranian and haven't we been praying and pleading day and night: YA SAAHEBE ZAMAAN BE REGATET SHETAAB KON for centuries? Millions of us have believed his withdrawal into a well with the promise of coming out at the opportune time and ruling this unruly world. The world really can't get any more unruly, can it? With a bunch of lout RISHOO PASHM charlatan ruling the land of Cyrus and completely dragging our reputation in the murkiest sewage.
So, keep smiling. It beats useless supplications. Also I'm told smiling is good for your immune system. Hopefully it makes you immune from buying Chinese implements and trinkets from Walmart. Try Target sometime. Spread the wealth in obedience to obama's admonition.
Don't forget, keep smiling :-----------))))))).


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Faramarz

دیوانه جان لطف داری

Faramarz
Sun Jan 01, 2012 11:59 AM PST

I am glad that you liked the story. I had a lot of fun writing it.

Happy New Year


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divaneh

Excellent Satire

by divaneh on Sun Jan 01, 2012 11:09 AM PST

Thanks for your funny story and vivid imagination Faramarz jaan. I had a good laugh. Comparing Rial with Toman was excellent and shows your hidden economic talent. I think I am now in favour of Mahdi's return.

Happy New Year to all.


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Faramarz

Thank You Bush Man!

by Faramarz on Sun Jan 01, 2012 08:13 AM PST

I am glad that you liked the story.

 

You are an in Iranian at heart!


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bushtheliberator

tears of laughter,& I'm not even Iranian

by bushtheliberator on Sat Dec 31, 2011 04:37 PM PST

let's hope your happy ending is not just comedy,but also prophesy.

The clerics have the arrows sharp enough to Kill the Beast.


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Faramarz

Happy 2012

by Faramarz on Sat Dec 31, 2011 04:29 PM PST

 

Rea,

Thank you for the underwear and the vote of confidence from the 4-legged community! I am blowing a kiss in your general direction. Happy 2012 and now that you are already there, I hope that it is better than 2011.

MRX1,

Thank you buddy. My New Year's resolution is to go Hollywood; 90210!

Bahram G.

Hell if I have a clue!

But after checking Wal-Mart’s Christmas catalog and their return policy, I would say that it is a true story and the camel riding dude should return the made-in-China sword and request a refund, if he still has the receipt!

Anahid,

I am glad that you liked it. Happy 2012.

After your comment, if I were you, tonight I would stay away from places that cater to men with wooden legs, eye patches and parrots on their shoulders!


  •  
Anahid Hojjati

Fun story, Faramarz

by Anahid Hojjati on Sat Dec 31, 2011 02:29 PM PST

at the risk of being socially incorrect and with apologies to all one armed readers, best line was where you talked about rahbar, the one-armed man.


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Bahram G

Faramarz, please clarify

by Bahram G on Sat Dec 31, 2011 02:22 PM PST

A devote Shia was immersed in prayers at the well in Jamkaran. It was an hour before dawn this past Friday, he reports. He says that in that state of spiritual transport, he suddenly heard a most deafening thunder like sound that shook the ground under his feet. He looked up, he reports, and saw no clouds anywhere. Before he could delve further, he was astounded to see the mouth of the well open and an ancient looking figure in a full Arab regalia ridining on the back of a camel ejected out the well. Astounded as he was, he still had enough presence of mind to click some pictures of the scene.

Given the poor lighting of the hour, the clip he sent me is not very clear. But the sounds he recorded are indeed clear and remarkable. The ancient man on the camel waving a sword like implement kept yelling in clear Arabic accent -- ya Hussein. According to the man the ghost like figure galloped his camel at the speed of light toward Tehran.

What really threw the man for a loop was the rider's sudden swing of his sword at a sapling in his path. To his dismay, he saw the sword break in half while the sapling just danced in the wind unscathed.

Now, was this the Mehdi Chaahi, aka Mehdi Farari, or this freak has photoshopped some cock a bull story to fleece the believe anything Shia simpleton? Since you reported on this subject and you are a most trustworthy man in this untrustworthy world I am asking you to pronounce on the truth or falsehood of this man's claim.

Thanking you in advance,

Bahram g


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MRX1

This is very good

by MRX1 on Sat Dec 31, 2011 01:08 PM PST

I hope hollywood produce this movie. Can't wait to see it.


  •  
Rea

Nobel underwear for writing

by Rea on Sat Dec 31, 2011 12:54 PM PST

Voted unanimously, dog, cat and myself.

Happy New Year dear Faramarz, thx for all the good stories.


  •  
Faramarz

Lots of Cheers

by Faramarz on Sat Dec 31, 2011 12:21 PM PST

Happy New Year to all my dear friends and thank you for your comments. I thouroly enjoyed being around here this year in the company of some of the most talented people around. We shared many laughs and I learned a thing or two. What else can one ask for between 6 AM and 6 PM?

Oon Yaroo Jaan,

Rahbar did mention NIAC in his speech to the shareholders of Shia Corp. He said that the Reform activities have been outsourced to an off-shore outfit at a much lower cost!

Raoul,

Here is the best way to find out about the Farsi words in the story.

Tonight when you are cruising the town and having a good time, stop by one of those places that Iranian girls hang out. Just pick the best looking one and ask her about the meaning. This way not only you learn a few things but you will bring in the New Year with a big bang!

Dear Shazde,

Great tune and fits the New Year's Eve mood perfectly. I'll be humming it till the ball drops in the Times Square!

Bahram Jaan,

Your Mahdi Farari and Oon Yaroo's Chaahi comments set everything in motion in my head. And the Regime always provides the best Soojeh! And as much as I want them gone, the creative side of me will miss the entertainment aspect of the Regime.

Fanoos Aziz,

You know, there is a lot that can happen in a dark well on the New Year's Eve that you and I don't know anything about. We just have to wait till the next story and see if he is willing to kiss and tell!


  •  
fanoos

Fabulous and Brilliant Story by Faramarz Khoshgle Talla!

by fanoos on Sat Dec 31, 2011 11:15 AM PST

You forgot to include a female character in your story!

Maybe, next time! And some hints for the title may I suggest, "The Fugitive Mahdi And His Lover Mahdiyeh Making Whoopee in Chah!" LOL


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Bahram G

Dear Faramarz

by Bahram G on Sat Dec 31, 2011 10:58 AM PST

I had no idea that I would play a part in goading you to write this hilarious account. The first time I read one of your assays, I got the clear impression that you had a great talent and I believe I told you so. That was a while back. Since that time my initial impression has been confirmed repeatedly. You are indeed gifted. And many thanks for taking the time and sharing your gift with us.

My dear Oon Yaroo spoke for me as well. Thanks again for the concluding gift of 2011. And please keep on using your gifted pen and fertile imaginations during the coming year. You bring lots of laughter packaged in it some valuable points.

P.s. OON YAROO jaan mahboob. I know that I already have expressed my best wishes to you and your dear ones on the occasion of the new year. Allow me to take advantage of this excellent essay by the President and repeat my best wishes to you.


  •  
Shazde Asdola Mirza

ای لشکر صاحب زمان آماده باش ... بهر نبرد بی‌ امان آماده باش

Shazde Asdola Mirza
Sat Dec 31, 2011 10:44 AM PST

Emam Zaman's contribution to the pop music, was aptly provided by his best singer: Ahangaran.

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z0QiMBbBW8

 


  •  
Raoul1955

Faramarz

by Raoul1955 on Sat Dec 31, 2011 10:39 AM PST

Such a wonderful piece even though I didn't understand some of the words. :-)


  •  
Oon Yaroo

Mehdi Farrari, the greatest story of 2011! Thanks Faramarz Jaan!

by Oon Yaroo on Sat Dec 31, 2011 09:42 AM PST

I have been laughing nonstop!

"....  “Yek Toman…10 Rial…Yek Toman…10 Rial…Marg bar Amrika…Marg bar Amrika!”   ...." and Rahbar eliminated the Department of Reform!

I wonder why Trita Parsi didn't help Rahbar!?

What a priceless Christmas gift!

Happy new year to you Faramarz and Bahram G. Goll!

 


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