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Show Me the Money!
15-Apr-2011
A Fictional Story about Iranian.com, Money and a Lawsuit!
In the aftermath of a lawsuit by a group of un-paid Huffington Post’s contributors claiming that they are entitled to a portion of the fortune created by the AOL take over, a similar action was being contemplated by some Iranian.com’s former contributors!
Sargord Pirooz, a pro-Regime contributor that was driven off the site a while ago, and had since got his online law degree from WeChaseU College was licking his chops! BBC Persian had just announced the takeover of Iranian.com to enhance its Farsi programming and the news had created quite a rumbling among IC’s bloggers and contributors. Nobody was aware of the financial terms of the takeover, but there were a lot of rumors.
Sargord and a group of pro-Regime ex-contributors had assembled a team and had meticulously gone over every blog and every comment that was posted in the past 15 years trying to prove that their significant contributions had boosted the site’s value. A couple of the guys were the veterans of the Iranian Hostage Crisis and had been intimately involved in putting together the shredded documents that became the “Den of Spies” material.
Sargord brought the class action suit in front of a Federal Court and demanded millions of dollars in compensation. He requested that the court summon a group of current bloggers to testify on his behalf. The bloggers who wanted to maintain their anonymity objected. But the judge ordered them to appear in court under the condition that they could wear disguise and use other names to identify themselves!
On the day of the trial, as the judge ordered everyone to be seated, one could not help but smile at Iranian.com male bloggers disguised in wigs, fake mustaches and Elvis sideburns and the female bloggers in blond wigs, Lady Gaga outfits and stylish, large gold-rim sunglasses! Everyone had their carefully-selected fake names displayed on the tags around their necks!
Sargord Pirooz: “Your honor, we have provided a treasure trove of material to prove our case and today you will hear from several current bloggers about their contributions and the reasons why we should all be considered for the long-over-due compensation.”
The Judge: “You may proceed. We are ready to hear from the witnesses. Please state your name and then your case. Let’s star with Mr. Farazmand. Did I say your name right? Please state your case.”
Farazmand:” Your honor, I started as a political satirist, but after a few postings about women and relationships, I was pigeon-holed into my current role where I am expected to only blog about sex scenes! That has narrowed my artistic opportunities and has also created a very stressful situation in my relationships with women. I am now completely incapable of having an old-fashioned and traditional relationship with women. I think that you should consider my situation in your final judgment.”
Farvardin Na-aashena: “Your honor, everyday I contributed to this site. I was there early in the morning before anybody else showed up. I posted blogs, captions, you name it. I even offered match-making and divorce witness services. It was an emotional roller-coaster. I couldn’t take it anymore!”
Setareh Zohreh:” I posted poems everyday. I was there all the time, late at nights, when nobody else was there. I even contributed when I was on vacation. I poured my life and my youth into this!”
The Judge:” Please don’t cry! Deputy, please give Ms. Setareh Zohreh a Kleenex.”
Orderly Personality: “I don’t have any claims.”
Sargord: “Objections your honor! I would like to treat him as a hostile witness.”
The Judge: “Overruled. Please continue.”
Nakheyr: “I did everything for this site, art works, puzzles, blogs, anything that you could imagine. I even offered to go to Israel for free and do some fact finding. And all I have to show is a couple of strands of white hair!”
The Judge:” Let the records show that the witness has two strands of white hair!”
Tpppty Turbine: “I say a lot of things on that site, but it all goes over their heads. I better get compensated otherwise, I am going to scream!”
The Judge: “I think that I have heard enough testimonies. Let the records show that we also have written testimonies from Mr. Aaghel, Mr. Fine Champagne, Mr. Vazirzade, Mr. Bivafa, Ms. Taraneh, Ms. Javad Agha, Mr. NN, Mr. Karbalaii Ghasem, Mr. Contact Lens and Mr. Nobody Likes Anybody. Mr. Sargord, you may call your final witness.”
Sargord: “Your honor, I now call Mr. JJ to the stands.”
JJ who is visibly upset from all the testimonies took the stand.
"آخه نامردا این جواب محبت منه! ای خدا، کاشکی این دست ها میشکست که اصلا نمک ندارن!"
The Judge: “Please refrain from making comments in Farsi!”
At that moment, all of a sudden, IC’s accountant opened the courtroom door and rushed inside with a copy of the financial statements in his hands.
Accountant: “Your honor, may I address the court please? We are prepared to show the court that Iranian.com is in the same shaky financial situation after the BBC Persian takeover as it has always been! Here is the proof.”
The Judge looked over the financials and started crying! Tears rolled down his cheeks! “Let the records show that the accountant statement is accurate. The case is dismissed.”
Everybody cheered and started high-fiving each other! Even Sargord and his team seemed happy!
JJ smiled broadly: “Back to work folks! I expect to see you all blogging and commenting tomorrow morning, bright and early!”
Tpppty Turbine:” Pfffft!”
Here is the article.
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Very Funny
by Masoud Kazemzadeh on Sat Apr 16, 2011 03:17 PM PDTFaramarz jaan,
Great humor. Enjoyed reading it. Thanks.
MK
...
by Mash Ghasem on Sun Apr 17, 2011 01:27 AM PDTyou forgot anarchism, and yes it all goes back to the Commune, Paris Commune 1871. Rimbaud, " Illuminations."Eshragh'ha.
//do-lb.blogspot.com/search/label/%D8%A8%DB%8...
My Ghormeh Sabzi is getting cold, outta here.
MG ...
by Soosan Khanoom on Sat Apr 16, 2011 12:43 PM PDTsocialsim, marxism , and communism:
Work for the common Shit ........
:)
...
by Mash Ghasem on Sat Apr 16, 2011 11:29 AM PDTminor additions and corrections concerning a religious faith in Iran and a body product:
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit, or bake it, or mix it with Ghormeh Sabzi, Alo Esfenaj,..
( this is obviously an Iranian contribution, caution: that stew will keep you up for 24 to 48 hours)
Existentialism
What do you mean when you say shit?
And you fogot socialsim, marxism , anarchism, communism. And no they're not all the same shit. It just shows your deeply religious background, if I were a stoicist, that shit wouldn't bother me, but I'm an agnostic.
Prof. Ferry , this whole virtual community with all these colorful characters sometimes feels like "Married to the Mob," one way or another you're stuck with them; however reading good writing compensates.
To write well, tis the ultimate revenge, as they say.
Members of the jury
by Ari Siletz on Sat Apr 16, 2011 12:35 AM PDTAs for folks who just read, donate what you owe to some radical cause.
Radicalism: Don't take no shit!
Faramarz
by Soosan Khanoom on Fri Apr 15, 2011 08:38 PM PDTMy cat says thank you : )
More Thank You’s and Big Smiles!
by Faramarz on Fri Apr 15, 2011 06:17 PM PDTCousin Mehrdad, the photo was about a woman holding money in a non-conventional way! But I agree with Souri that it was too much and it overwhelmed the blog. Just use your imagination, since you have a great one!
Souri Jon, It is great that you got all the names. Contact Lens was Aynak.
Divaneh Jaan, you are the best!
Soosan Khanoom, there is no private club or secret handshake here. You are as good as your ideas and your brain power and everyone will be challenged for sure, since the majority of folks on this site are highly educated and accomplished. Just read some of the Farsi blogs when you get a chance.
The pro-Regime people who dropped out, many of them I believe could not hold on to the anti-US, anti-West, Arab/Israeli argument while innocent Iranians were being killed and tortured. So they figured that it would be easier to drop out than saying that they were wrong.
That’s a nice cat you that have on your shoulder!
Azadeh, thank you. Now the pressure is on!
The names that some of the guys chose for the court appearance to hide their identities were the opposite of their real names, so Ari (yes), became Nakheyr (no!) Divaneh became Aaghel, etc.
دیوانه جان، تا سفره نوروز دیگه سین قبول نمیکنم!
MMFri Apr 15, 2011 05:50 PM PDT
especially if it is doubled up as SS ;-)
Dear Faramarz
by Azadeh Azad on Fri Apr 15, 2011 05:48 PM PDTThis is the first piece of satire by you I've read. It's hilarious :-). I think I'll be read your future works as well - you've got a new fan, if that is not too much of a burden on you :-).
I liked and understood our Esfand Ashena being renamed "Farvardin Na-aashena," but Ari as "Nakheyr"? Couldn't figure that one out! Do you think he says No a lot?
Cheers,
Azadeh
Thank you dear Raoul
by Soosan Khanoom on Fri Apr 15, 2011 05:18 PM PDT: )
PS .... you have the cutest avatar ever
Soosan
by Raoul1955 on Fri Apr 15, 2011 05:10 PM PDTI like your post so much that I just saved it. :-)
Question
by Soosan Khanoom on Fri Apr 15, 2011 05:08 PM PDTHow long have you guys known each other for?
Have you ever met outside of the Planet IC?
Where did the ones you mentioned go? Like did you send your opponents to the moon or something and now you all are missing them !
This site should be open for anyone ...... You have Javeed Shah crowd why not IRI supporters ? You have capitalists why not communists? You have Jews and Zoroastrian and Muslims why not Atheists ? We only learn if we listen to our opponents .........
Just don't forget to keep your sense of humor alive ...... Only fools take themselves too seriously and as the result make it hard for people of different points of view to get along ...
after all we all are talking about the same shit .... : )
Taoism
Shit happens.
Buddhism
If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism
Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism
This shit happened before.
Catholicism
Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna
Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism
Send more shit.
Atheism
No shit.
Jehova's Witness
Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science
Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism
What is shit anyway?
Stoicism
This shit doesn't bother me.
That's what you get when you sell to British
by divaneh on Fri Apr 15, 2011 02:56 PM PDTThey definitely want everything free. Thanks for the good laugh. I also thought existence of the pro-regime people encouraged some dialogue that was missing from the official channels.
p.s. Please listen to MM's appeal and promote him to SS :)
Very great and imaginative
by Souri on Fri Apr 15, 2011 02:38 PM PDTI liked it very much, Faramarz. I knew it was worthy of reading. The references were genius (only I didn't get who was referred as Mr Contact Lens?)
You are a master in writing satires, dear. Very funny.
More power to you
Witness Protection Program!
by Faramarz on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:50 PM PDTMore Thanks!
Mash Ghasem, that was a great quote by MPD and a great song.
MM Jaan, I was trying to protect everyone's identity!
Dear cousin Farmarz,
by Bavafa on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:48 PM PDTAnother great story, you are a gifted man my friend.. or should I say my dear cousin
I am not curious about the original pix as I never saw it... can we get a peep?
Poor Sargord and the amount of abuse he went thru. I can hardly believe how he could stomach so much ?!?!?
And where is Doctor-Mohandes? I hope he is OK and vacationing some where fun. Hope he is not after another d degree and be doctor-mohandes-lawyer.
Mehrdad
Thanks for demoting me to NN, .......but are you???
by MM on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:45 PM PDTBut, keep them coming anyways :)
Women, men and Fesenjoon
by Anahid Hojjati on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:32 PM PDTI thought we were trying to get Fesenjoon back.
Faramarz, as far as women and relationships being costly prepositions, that is true. Any relationship takes time. So even if it is not monetary costly, timewise it is costly. But then this is life. I am sure you will change your mind about women and relationship, or at least I think you will.
completely irrelevant to this good blog
by Roozbeh_Gilani on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:30 PM PDTAs this subject was raised (why oh why I ask myself scratching my bald head??), I am absolutely happy to see two individuals with clear mission of supporting the fascist islamist regime and it's criminal acts against the Iranian nation, insulting other bloggers, the Iranian opposition movement and many mrtyrs of cause of Iranian freedom , democracy and secularism to be suspended from this site. I indeed applause the site management for doing so.
Now if anybody is missing these individuals, or their likes "writings", he or she can always read (if not already...) many web sites dedicated to the cause of propaganda on behalf of the fascist islamist regime of Iran.
With that said, I apologise to Faramarz for my unrelated to the topic of his blog intrusion and leave his wonderful blog for others, to leave hopefully more relevant comments.
Roozbeh
"Personal business must yield to collective interest."
Monty Python has nothing on you
by Mash Ghasem on Sat Apr 16, 2011 02:29 AM PDTOn many occasion this site and you are way better than Monty, I don't know, its more Iranian me thinks. I missed Abji Medusa, NP in there. In all honesty sar tah most days just gave me ulcer. I know he's good material, at the same time there should always be a balance between art and health! Me thought maybe we could rename your story: Trials and Tribulations of Corporate Takeover. If everyone wants sar tah back, I'm for it too!
In respect to our presence on tis virtual space, as MPD reminded Abji Medusa on her publicized exunt: " We're all prisoners here, of our own device." Cheerio
Eagles - Hotel California//www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCklH9gQAAg
I have to add
by Raoul1955 on Fri Apr 15, 2011 12:32 PM PDTThat this site has become less interesting to visit after the 'executions' of Sargord Pirouz, Niloufar Parsi, I have a crush on Alex..., and a few others whose exchanges with the readers added an element of fun to the blogs.
Writings by Niloufar Parsi presented the readers with an alternate view point that is missed now.
allah-akbar to all,
Ayatollah Raoul, the Grand Imam of the Planet Earth, and the only entity worshipped by all deities, dead or alive!!! :-)
A Petition to Bring Sargord Back!
by Faramarz on Fri Apr 15, 2011 11:31 AM PDTDear friends, thank you for reading and commenting.
As you can see Anahid, I am branching out into new areas to change the stereo-types about me and Iranian men in general! Also, women and relationships are generally costly propositions and I need to reduce the deficits anyway I can. We cannot burden the next generation with our carelessness!
I am also in support of Rea’s sentiment and would like Sargord back. For one thing, he was a source of daily material for me and I would welcome him back with open arms! I also promise to re-double my efforts in both romantic and non-romantic areas to meet and exceed Rea’s high expectation. After all, I had my suitcases all packed and was ready to travel to Croatia last week for the male-auction thingy!
Tell the truth
by Rea on Fri Apr 15, 2011 10:02 AM PDTI loved Sargord.
I appreciated very much Niloufar P. I enjoyed reading Yamshid and BumbumShakalaka too.
They've all gone.
IC has gone as well. Pale rather.
PS. this blog is somewhat late. Even if I adore the blogger. ;o)
"online law degree from WeChaseU College "
by Roozbeh_Gilani on Fri Apr 15, 2011 09:16 AM PDTThank you faramarz for a well written blog of humour.
"Personal business must yield to collective interest."
Esfand jan, mara koshti with comments with only subject :) !
by Anahid Hojjati on Fri Apr 15, 2011 08:34 AM PDT.
faramarz, this could be an
by hamsade ghadimi on Fri Apr 15, 2011 08:34 AM PDTfaramarz, this could be an ongoing series for you. there could be appeals, mistrials, financial hanky panky and so on. i was surprised that bahmani didn't file a motion to reveal the identities of all anonymous contributors. of course he would done that only for the sake of freedom in iran. it was also curious that you chose the plaintifs to be headed by a pro-regime supporter. :)
i.com's next big investment = a Ponzi scheme!
by Esfand Aashena on Fri Apr 15, 2011 08:17 AM PDTEverything is sacred
this was funny, Faramarz
by Anahid Hojjati on Fri Apr 15, 2011 07:52 AM PDTso now, you are branching out to cover legal stories. It is not just romance :).
Love you ;-)
by Souri on Fri Apr 15, 2011 07:44 AM PDTThank you soooooooooo much!
Now I'm more motivated to read your story ;-)
Stay tune, for more critics !!!
After all, if there's something I'm good at, is the negative critics..LOL
Thanks again, Faramrz jon
Souri
by Faramarz on Fri Apr 15, 2011 07:35 AM PDTHere is a picture of Millau bridge in France.