Faramarz
به زبان فارسی
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Will You Marry Me?
02-Mar-2011
There comes a time in a man’s life when he decides that he has had enough fun and excitement and the time is right to settle down and get married! At that point, no matter what his better judgment or his good buddies tell him, he will do as he believes and asks a nice girl to marry him!
Here is the story of my coming of age! Well, Sort of!
I had just put my Japanese girlfriend Ayako on the JAL flight back to Tokyo a week earlier and was wondering what to do next when my good friend’s wife Parisa called and invited me to their kid’s birthday party.
Ayako had come to the States to learn English but she wasn’t really good at it! I probably learned more Japanese from her than she learned English from her school! I met her at a club and after going out on a couple of dates, she brought her suitcase to my house and stayed there! I didn’t like how she spread her clothes and stuff all over my place but couldn’t complain! I guess it was her way of claiming the territory! After a month, I decided that the time was right for her to go, so I asked her to call the airline and make the arrangements on the open ticket. A few days later, I dropped her off in front of the International Terminal, gave her a big hug and kiss and drove away!
I was always annoyed by the Christmas parties, the family gatherings and picnics at my work! Everybody showed up with their wives or girlfriends and when I came with some date or a “floozy”, the nosy receptionist would ask me if she was “the one!” I didn’t like that. I wanted to bring my partner and soul-mate to the parties and have everyone meet her and congratulate me. So I finally decided that the time was right for me to throw in the towel and get married!
My good friend’s wife Parisa had been on my case for a while! She was the one that wanted to introduce me to some nice Iranian girls. But her only condition was that I needed to be serious! No hanky panky! At the party, Parisa told me about her colleague Nastaran. “She is so beautiful and smart and everybody loves her at work! She wants to marry an Iranian man. Her parents are very conservative though. She was fasting during Ramazan! Isn’t that cute?” We set up a lunch date at a Chinese Hunan place near their work.
Nastaran was beautiful, intelligent and simple at the same time. She wore no make up and was as innocent as a woman can get. Once in a while she would give me a shy smile and a quick glance. I was on my best behavior! All the jokes were G-rated, completely scrubbed!
After lunch Parisa called me and asked what I thought of her. I wasn’t sure but I was intrigued. She was so different from the other women that I had dated. Parisa said that it would be ok for me to call her at work and take her out for lunch.
She lived with her parents. Her grandmother lived with them too. We went out for lunch a couple of times. One time she insisted that she would bring the lunch, so she did. We went to the mall, sat in the food court and had her mom’s Gheymeh Polo. That sealed the deal! We then walked around the mall and had ice cream! Imagine that! I was so well-behaved that I even surprised myself!
The following week when I asked her out to see a movie on a Saturday night, she said that I should come to her house with my parents so that the families can meet each other and after that we could go out on weekends! This was all so new to me! I assumed that all good and family-oriented girls are like that!
I called my parents and told them about her. They were so excited about the prospect of me getting serious and at the same time were thrilled about being included in the process! I had never asked for their advice before!
We arrived at Nastaran’s house on a Saturday afternoon. Her father met us at the door. He looked me over, shook hands with my father and me and then lowered his head and greeted my mother without shaking hands or looking at her! Her mother was standing a few steps back. She wore a colorful head scarf. She greeted my parents, checked me out from the corner of her eyes, but did not shake hands either. It became quite clear to me that her parents were very religious and conservative.
We sat in the living room and Nastaran brought the tea. Her grandma came after a few minutes. She said that she was praying. She was wearing a chador. She sat on a chair in the corner of the room and didn’t say much. I looked at her a couple of times and smiled. One time I noticed that she was holding her prayer beads and her lips were moving as if she was praying. Then she blew in my direction! I think that she was putting a spell on me! That completely distracted me. All these mental images of Voodoo and witchcraft raced through my mind! I was flattered that I had become the subject of desire!
They served us a great dinner and then we left. In the car, my parents were quiet. Finally, my father broke the silence. “She is a nice and educated person. I really liked her. But you should understand that they are different from us. It is not just the scarf and chador. They don’t shake hands. They don’t look at you. And her father wearing sandals with socks!” At that point my mother jumped in, “This is all your decision and we will do as you wish, but remember that in our family nobody wore chador or went to the mosque. Also, I noticed that the grandmother was looking at you all night and praying and blowing! She was putting a spell on you!”
“Maybe she was looking for a husband too and was sending me kisses!” I tried to joke around, but I got the message loud and clear.
I decided to continue with dating her and we went out for another month or so. Somehow, she managed to establish the boundaries and somehow I followed them. It was like there was a shield around her and in a strange way, I liked that! I enjoyed her company but didn’t know what to do next! There seemed to be a wall there that I could not penetrate! There was no physical component to the relationship. I felt like we were stuck at a certain level! I finally decided that it was either time to go to the next level or walk away and I had a reasonable case for either one.
After much soul searching and looking at everything with rosy glasses I decided to propose to her. I rehearsed my pitch like a sales presentation! It had a beginning, a middle and a big finale. I was curious to see her reaction and her response.
We went to a modest Vietnamese restaurant and after dinner and before the dessert I proposed to her, Her face turned red and she looked up and looked at me a few times. Then she gained her composure and said, “I need to talk to my parents and will let you know!” I have to say that I did not expect that response at all, but I thought that’s how family-oriented girls deal with these types of situations.
The next day she called me and said that I should come to her house and talk to her dad. That afternoon, with a bouquet of flowers in my hand, I knocked on the door. Her father greeted me and took me to the living room. Nastaran and her mom came too and sat quietly on two chairs next to each other. Her father said a few nice things about me and her and then said that it would have been better if my parents would have come with me too. Then he opened the Ghoran on the table next to him and took a small piece of paper out and said, “For my daughter’s Mehrieh (dowry) we are asking a holy Ghoran, a Shaakheh Nabaat and 200 gold coins!”
I froze on the spot. I had not anticipated that at all. I tried to gather my thoughts and have a respectful reply. This was not about the gold coins but rather about him taking charge of this affair. I gently told him that in my family that was not the custom and gave a couple of examples. He looked at me suspiciously as if I was setting the stage for some negotiating to lower the number of gold coins! I turned my head and took a quick look at Nastaran trying to get some feedback. But she had a helpless look on her face that was saying, “Please do whatever you need to do to get this over with.” I politely told them that I needed to speak with my parents, but would let them know soon. As I was getting up, he gave me the piece of paper with the Mehrieh items on it. I said goodbye and got into my car and looked at her as she was closing the door.
I went for a long walk and tried to process everything and finally came to the realization that I cannot do this to myself or my family. She was a kind and wonderful person, but she could not break away from her family and it would have been selfish of me to ask her to do so.
I went home and sat down and wrote a nice letter to her and explained that I could not do what her father had asked of me without putting down their value system or compromise mine. I felt a tremendous sense of relief when I put the letter in the mailbox.
A few days later, a small package arrived at my door. It was from her. I didn’t know what to expect. I opened the package carefully so not to damage anything. Inside the box were the Ann Taylor sweater and a few other things that I had given to her as present. There was a brief note there too. “Please return my pictures!” That was it.
I gathered all her pictures and cut out the ones that I was in them and put them in the mail that evening. The box sat on the kitchen table for a few days. I didn’t know what to do with it. It did not seem fair to keep the stuff and give them to another girl. Finally, on the weekend, I took them to the Goodwill truck and gave it to the charity guy. He looked at the Ann Taylor sweater and set it aside. I am sure that he recognized the high quality. He probably was going to give it to his wife or girlfriend as a present. He smiled at me and gave me a couple of blank receipts.
“Just write down whatever you think they are worth!” I smiled and said thank you.
Domino Dancing by the Pet Shop Boys
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استاتیرا، چشم و دلم روشن!
FaramarzSat Mar 19, 2011 10:56 AM PDT
حالا شب عیدی ما کلونی شدیم؟
دیگه همینو کم داشتیم!
به عمو نوروز میگم برات هیچی عیدی نیاره!
Iranian.com's George Clooney
by statira on Sat Mar 19, 2011 10:00 AM PDTyou were looking for an excuse not to get married. If you really liked her, you wouldn't care what her father says or does. You just don't wanna settle down and like to be single like George.
It's a great responsibility but I accept
by divaneh on Tue Mar 08, 2011 04:37 PM PSTDear Faramarz and Doctor Mohandes
I will bring my abacus and take care of all the financial arrangements but you guys have to say good bye to your old ways. I know most brides now view the groom friends as their own friends and wish to contribute to the bachelor party (stag night) and therefore to make the bride happy, I will take 22 coins from the Mehryeh and allocate to the bachelor party to be spent on the Playboy mansion and drinks and strippers and whatever else makes the guys happy. I also allocate 14 coins to the team for their troubles.
Shirbaha is an old concept and the groom may ask for something sounding similar, so forget about it.
In case your quality policy requires the safekeeping of the remaining 154 coins by a trusting third party, I will accept the trouble.
Operation code name "Forêt noire"
by Rea on Sun Mar 06, 2011 02:43 AM PSTIf you guys don't mind, I'd rather take over the Dessert section. Anyone opposing will be democratically mixed and whipped, he,he.
Proper Wedding conversation:)))
by Doctor mohandes on Sat Mar 05, 2011 08:24 PM PST//www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4c0nYpNmoQ
GR...I wrote the god damn book on quality!
by Doctor mohandes on Sat Mar 05, 2011 08:09 PM PSTMy knowledge on Quality-related matters and quality itself is so abundant, it is becoming a burden. i asked god to get back to me on that:)
Btw. Faramarz. I almost, or rather we forgot about your bachelor party. Now, i was thinking of throwing that in the Playboy mansion or some @#@#@#&^& bar in your area. And ... as far as who is gonna be in charge of that one... I had Fussygurilla in mind. What do you think?
My Dear Friend, Faramarz:
by G. Rahmanian on Sat Mar 05, 2011 07:58 PM PSTLet me know when you need help. This guy, DM, knows so little when it comes to quality. Dood az kondeh boland misheh.
Faramarz, I am up to the challenge
by Anahid Hojjati on Sat Mar 05, 2011 07:56 PM PSTI am fine with my assigned task, faghat begoo pol tooshe ya na?
Faramarz
by Doctor mohandes on Sat Mar 05, 2011 07:01 PM PST1- No. I want more power. Dude. I was the one who came up wit the idea and all i get is sniffing up doomad's $%$%$%? How about i get to watch you doing the quality thing with the brides?:)
2-agreed
3- I have to look over the list before it comes out. I don't trust hg(kidding) I catch him overanalyzing matters sometimes and that don't rub me in a good way:)))
4- I like that. Blowing and all the other stuff... But make sure you will have the paramedics on stand by. you know, in case someone decides to overindulge himself (granny or one of the gents:))))
5- hmm... I think bavaffa and MM and aynak can collaborate, Sorry they way i see it , they could streamline the process so in the interest of cost-saving and wedding efficiency and efficacy! they gonna have to team up .
Oh, and I will take care of all the last minute, heck down to the last second talks and if the aroos says yes OH Yes Oh god oh yes!!!. You will be the first to know. cross my heart.
You let me do the talking and you keep your eyes on... well other things:)
6- agreed. I think we should pre-designate JJ as the boque - catcher:))
7- Both rea and Sk need background check. don't know man. something fishy is going on there and i don't mean the regular fish:)
Ok. I think we got everything. Check with ari . Just in case we are missing something. Get back to me bro.
...
by Red Wine on Sat Mar 05, 2011 06:50 PM PSTبه خاطر مسائل سیاسی و کاری و اندکی زخم و جراحت سفر... ۲-۳ ماه اخیر همه جور تفریح را از دست داده ایم ! فرامرز خان زن میستاند و ما بی خبر !
خیلی از دوستان را نمیشناسیم،باز جای شکرش باقیست که دیوانه و همساده و با وفا اینجا هستند وگرنه آشوب زده میشد این دل ما از غریبی !
جای حضرت شازده و بهروز خان و مجید جان و امیرابراهیمی عزیز و سمسام خان خالیست.. وصلت هم وصلتهای قدیم .
فرامرز خان موتلو المک ایچین :) .
تیم رویایی خواستگاری فرامرز (تیر خوف!)
FaramarzSat Mar 05, 2011 06:37 PM PST
Doctor Mo.,
I like your idea of a Khaastegari Dream Team (FKDT)!
We can offer our services to all Iranian.com singles who seek an Iranian partner and an Iranian wedding.
Here is how I envision the Team to work.
You and I will be the Quality Managers and will make sure that we have a good fit in the future bride or groom. I check the brides. You check the grooms.
Divaneh will attend to all the financial issues like gold coins, Mehrieh and Sheer Bahaa.
Hamsade will be responsible for the diamond ring and the wedding party cost and who should attend.
MM and Aynak can step up to the Khaastegari logistics like tea, sugar, spoon and the blowing Grandmas!
Cousin Mehrdad Bavafa can take care of the wedding party details like the food, the band, the open bar, and the last minute negotiations with Aaghed before Aroos Khanoom says yes!
Anahid can be in charge of the wedding dress and who gets the bride’s bouquet.
Rea could do the flower design and the other ladies will be the bridesmaids; Soosan Khanoom for American grooms and everyone else for the Iranian grooms.
This is going to be good!
The Dream Team
by Doctor mohandes on Sat Mar 05, 2011 04:31 PM PSTlet's assemble a FKDT!
Faramarz Khastegari Dream Team! Guess we already determined who is gonne be taking the helm? Divaneh:)
Get ready Boy. Get your pants on, Put your love making shoes on, we are goin' fishin':)))
Divaneh, the Iranian Bernard Madoff!
by Faramarz on Sat Mar 05, 2011 10:57 AM PSTDivaneh Jaan,
I like the way you think!
You have the originality and the financial savvy of your namesake Bernard Madoff! I totally agree with your plan, but try to stay out of jail!
wow, divaneh, what a brilliant financing plan
by Anahid Hojjati on Fri Mar 04, 2011 07:21 PM PSTFaramarz should really write that book. It will be fun.
Faramarz, if I am not part of khastegari
by Anahid Hojjati on Fri Mar 04, 2011 07:31 PM PSTAt least, you have to invite me to your wedding.
You are one lucky Faramarz
by divaneh on Fri Mar 04, 2011 04:33 PM PSTAlthough at 200 coins it was a bargain, especially if it was new and still in the box, but you were still very wise not to proceed with the purchase. In fact let me rephrase myself, you are one wise Faramarz.
I think she was hurt and didn't know how to handle it. I also have a solution. If you take a loan and buy the coins then that loan will be part of both partners finance, which means in case of a very likely divorce, given the Western law she has to accept her share of 50% of the loan or pay you 100 coins back. You may even sell all of them and pay the loan back. Hold, on let me get my abacus as it is getting really interesting.
Thanks for this beautifully written story. I think if you ever wrote a book it would be very difficult to put it down.
Honest to the core
by Rea on Fri Mar 04, 2011 04:39 AM PSTI wish I'd stumble upon the courageous one willing to propose after 2 dates only. Before he gets to know me, that is. ;o)
If ever, better than never, I won't have to worry about financing my expensive intelectual lifestyle with one salary, eventually one pension, only. And will continue to tend to my vegetable garden, I promise. ;o)
خواستگاری بعدی را با دوستان میریم!
FaramarzThu Mar 03, 2011 07:59 PM PST
OK, on my next Khaastegaari I am taking you guys with me!
You seem to have a good handle on the Sugar and the other essentials! But if the girl doesn’t give you a spoon to melt your sugar cube, don’t say, “Sister, do you expect me to use my thing to stir the tea?”
Sanaz,
Thanks for your story and comments. I am glad that you liked the story and made the connection.
MM Jaan,
The picture is about a hound dog (me!) who is trying to find somebody, but he is scared from the get-go!
Sheila,
Thanks for your kind words.
Faramarz- you are SMART!
by Sheila K on Thu Mar 03, 2011 07:35 PM PSTI admire your integrity and intelligence. You made the right choice and didn't go gaagaa googoo over her.
Aynak/Mehrdad - this story is getting funnier by the minute
by MM on Thu Mar 03, 2011 06:46 PM PSTPS Faramarz, I just noticed your picture. What's with the size XL men's undies? Yours, or looking for the owner?
And here I was reading more to aynak's version of the story
by Bavafa on Thu Mar 03, 2011 06:13 PM PSTWhen the story gets to "I asked: could I have some, sugar?" then Nastran blushes and turn to Farmarz 'I told you not to call me sugar in front of my dad'
And her dad says, Farmarz jaan we have not seen the gold coin yet, none of that till we see the goods
Mehrdad
So onething I was thinking in the middle of
by aynak on Thu Mar 03, 2011 05:56 PM PSTFaramarzes story, particularly as he and his family went to visit Nastaran's family and she brought the tea, for some reason set me up for a different ending:
here's how I expected the story would go:
"... We sat in the living room and Nastaran brought the tea. Her grandma came
after a few minutes. She said that she was praying. She was wearing a
chador. She sat on a chair in the corner of the room and didn’t say
much."
I was fed up with all this crap, particularly after granny started blowing me, no not that, as I usually have my tea with sugar, I asked: could I have some sugar? My mom gave me the looks, (Suga?) and I said mom, not that I really am asking for some sugar for my tea!
Nastaran got up immediately came back with some sugar shaker that she placed on the table, but there was one problem: No spoon! I looked around and waited, when her father asked, Why aren't you having your tea? it will get cold. To which I said: Ba Ki......am beh ham bezanm? (that and chetori Goozoo are among the funniest jokes I have heard of Khastegari situations).
+++++
But of course the story maintained its serious tone with a somber ending.
May we all have good dreams.
COP
by Soosan Khanoom on Thu Mar 03, 2011 06:49 PM PSTyeah yeah you are right
" Mr. Romance" once you have your wife officially signed it and agreed that your romatic then may be I make some exceptions ....
One other thing...
by Sanaz Raji on Thu Mar 03, 2011 04:29 PM PSTThanks for putting up that video from the Pet Shop Boys. I haven't seen that video for such a long time and forgot how much I loved this song. :)
Faramarz...
by Sanaz Raji on Thu Mar 03, 2011 04:24 PM PSTThis was a very engaging story. It brought back memories of my dating experiences in the past. I was once in your shoes, but I have also been in the shoes of Nastaran's as well, so I can see this from two different, yet familiar perspectives.
My first long-term relationship was with someone who was from South Africa and Jewish. At the time, I was in my early twenty's- my parents were iwary of my relationship with him, however, I was stubborn and decided to follow my own heart and mind despite their reservations. Likewise, my ex's family was less than enthused with our relationship and my ex's mother did everything in her will-power to break up the relationship. My ex was 2 years older and had just finished grad school and had a job. However,unlike myself, he was very dependent on his family's blessings. After a year and half together, we eventually broke up. Although it was painful break-up, in the end, I realized it had to happen. I couldn't carry the relationship for the both of us- I was too exhausted emotionally.
On the other hand, I've been in Nastaran's position, especially early on dating when my parents' being the typical old fashion type, where curious about everything and everybody I knew. After a while I developed boundaries and they have dramatically backed down. You are correct, Nasatran needs to develop her own identity and voice without her parents interference and control. However, to do this, she needs to develop a thick skin and confidence that she can control her life's direction.
I hope that you meet the love of your life. I also hope that Nastaran takes control of her life; she'll be far happier and satisfied in the long run.
soosan
by Cost-of-Progress on Thu Mar 03, 2011 04:22 PM PSTSeems to me you got a personal problem in that department darlin'. I love Iranian women , specially my wife and I am Mr. Romance!
Don't generalize please.
____________
IRAN FIRST
____________
Grandma is Still Available!
by Faramarz on Thu Mar 03, 2011 04:17 PM PSTBut you have to move fast!
You guys are so sharp!
You are asking all the right questions and making great comments.
In the small piece of paper that her father gave me, he had indicated Krugerrand gold coins. The man definitely knew what he was talking about!
MM Jaan,
I like your plan a lot, but it’s already late! Not because she is married, but because I am a lot smarter now than I was back then.
The point about the Chaperon and Halal meat is very accurate. She was caught in between two worlds. Her school and work environment and the reality at home. I am sure that she wanted more freedom from her parents, but not to the extent that I was expecting.
Hamsade Jaan,
You are quite right that I got away easy. She did get married about a year later, but I never followed up with my friends to find out to whom and how. Best wishes to her!
Aynak,
So you missed your meeting reading my blog. Just take your laptop to the conf. room and sit there and look serious!
Where do you think I am right now?
Souri Jon,
Half a Thank You for reading half of my story!
hamsedayeh ghadeemee
by Soosan Khanoom on Thu Mar 03, 2011 04:13 PM PSTyou said, "
by the way, if you marry an american, not only you don't have to worry about mehrieh, her family pays for the wedding. can't beat that deal. "
And I should say that the best for Iranian women are American men. No one can't beat that deal either .......
They marry you for you and you only nothing else
when they say " will you marry me " they are down on their knees with a big huge shining diamond
when they say " I love you " they really mean it
they are very romantic ( unlike Iranian men who can not even spell Romance)
and besides they love Persian food and they are very eager to learn and to cook so your mom does not have to cook gheymeh polo ...
ok .. now i feel better
i had to say something : )
........
by yolanda on Thu Mar 03, 2011 03:49 PM PSTI have the same question as HG.......what type of gold coins? American gold coins? Iranian gold coins? 10k gold? How pure is the gold? Did the girl's dad specify? How much is one gold coin? So it has to be gold coins? Platinum OK?
3 awkward events in this story:
1) She wanted her photos back
2) gold coin requirement (No money, no honey)
3) The sweater has to go to Goodwill!
Thank you for sharing! Look forward to the next episode!
thanks MM jan for Explanation. I also have a poem that
by Anahid Hojjati on Thu Mar 03, 2011 03:30 PM PSTpossibly Faramarz could have written to Nastarn but I am not sharing. Beghool mashhadeeha " meedonom ama nemoogom" or something like this.