Akhonds in Space!
by Fesenjoon2 09-Aug-2012
The Student News Agency reports that a Hawzah in Mashad will be opening a seminary field of study specialized in "extraterrestrial jurisprudence".
My friends, the end of the universe is near. The handiwork of the mullahs will now be exported to other planets as well. And here I was laughing when the chadori reverend mother in Dune kept talking about "The Jihad".
Just think about the verdicts that will start coming out of this on marja-e taqleed websites:
- Istiftaa: How will fasting be in Low Earth Orbit? Answer: Muslims in Low Earth Orbit must fast for only 45 minutes in Ramadan, because it only takes them ~90 minutes to circle the Earth ("sunrise" to "sunset" in an equatorial orbit will hence be roughly half of that). Hence abstinence from sex will be considerably shortened, by the Grace of God, subhana wa ta'ala!
- Istiftaa: How many wives can muslims take in Space? Answer: Since life on the surface of the Earth is largely 2-dimensional, and since movement in Space will likewise be 3-Dimensional, therefore whereas it is permissible to have 4 wives (2^2) on Earth, in Space muslims can have 8 (i.e. 2^3) wives, as the math clearly demonstrates.
- Istiftaa: Will farting in space cancel (baatil) our wudhu (ablutions)? Answer: Farts in space will not cancel (baatil) your prayer or wudhu, because in the absence of gravity, gases diffuse freely in all 3 directions (x, y, and z) without being influenced by gravity. Therefore the smell can dissipate faster.
- Istiftaa: How should women's proper Hijab be in Space? Answer: Since it is possible for the woman to rotate while floating in microgravity therefore exposing the area between her legs underneath her, women must be wrapped up in complete 4-Pi Steradian Hijab. The best method is to put them inside of Glad plastic bags, preferably black instead of the white ones sold in stores, so as to curb the eyes of the naa-mahram. That way, they can also blend into the darkness of space and fade into nothing. Of course she can come out of the bags for pro-creation whenever the husband requires. And Allah is most kind and just.
- Istiftaa: Is it permissible to have sex with Extra-terrestrial women? Answer: It is permissible to have sex with any moving being (jonbandeh), as long as it is narm o lateef, and has a clear understanding of the Sigheh Mahramiyat.
- Istiftaa: When having sex with extra-terrestrials, since the physiology of Extra-terrestrials is different, what constitutes "dokhool"? Answer: Dokhool occurs when the forehead of the penis enters any ET hole or slides through any crack or groove without considerable viscosity. And Allah has created an abundance of blessings for His believers to confide in.
- Istiftaa: What is the hukm of marrying an ET? Answer: Since they are not people of the Book, you cannot marry them, but you can have temporary marriage with them. The resulting offspring will be legitimate in the eyes of Allah. And Allah is most thoughtful.
- Istiftaa: Is it permissible to go back in time and marry my mother, cuz I see her pics from the Shah's time in a Mini-joop, and I think she was hot! Answer: It is permissible, but Ehtiyaat-e Vaajeb must be done to get to her before your dad does.
Can you think of any similar gems of fiqaahat in Space?