Part of the Arman series, Love Letter
It is so hard to have one’s heart broken. It is even more painful to see a loved one’s heart that is aching and breaking. One totally powerless to mend their heart or remedy the situation.
I had the opportunity to spend time with Arman earlier this month. He had come to visit to make sure I was well. I had just returned home from the hospital. Julio went out to dinner with his father. It had been almost six months since Arman left home to attend university.
“Arman so tell me how is university going? Have you made many friends there? How are things going with the three organizations you joined? Any luck finding a part-time job yet?” I sat down on the living room sofa and I motioned for him to sit as well.
“Things are going well Chiquita at university. I have made many interesting friends. I am still in three organizations but I mainly focus on one. On the job situation things are not as well yet. I do have a possible job lead that I will be looking into this week.”
“Arman, I heard through the grape vine that there might be a special someone in your life. So, tell me, what is her name?” I have the biggest grin on my face as I can’t wait to hear all the details of his romantic interest. After all, I am his mom.
Arman gives me a huge smile as he runs his fingers through his hair. “You heard it through the grape vine. You mean Julio sang like a canary.”
I am getting a bit impatient. “Regardless of the source this is the Spanish Inquisition.” I laugh as I motion if he wants some more soda.
Arman looks at me with a shy look, beautiful hazel eyes that could light up the sky, and a smile that oozes charm and says “Yes, it is true. She is Latina, intelligent, beautiful and older than me.”
I give him a look of surprise. “Older? How much older are we talking here?” It has never occurred to me that he would be interested in an older woman. Come to think of it he never dated in High School because he thought the girls were too immature. Aye! Why did I not see the signals? I am suppose to notice this things as his mom.
Arman hesitates and responds “About seven years. What can I say; I am attracted to older women.” He gives me a devilish smile. “I really care about her. She only sees me as her best friend though. I want us to be more than friends. We are so perfect for each other. We have so many things in common. ”
I can see that she really matters to him. “Well, mi hijo, if you really care about her then tell her. If she just wants to keep it as friends then at least you will never regret telling her.”
“Mom I already told her and she thinks I am perfect but the timing is all wrong. I don’t know what to do. We are still best of friends. I go shopping with her but it bothers me that I am helping her select clothes for her to wear for another guy. I have been there for her every time that she has the cold or flu. I even bought her some NyQuil and made sure that she did not miss a dose. I am getting ready to teach her how to swim. We even came to Houston to one of the clubs. I had to watch as she danced with other guys.”
I looked at him with shock. “You were in Houston?! When? You didn’t even visit or call me?!” I give him the look.
“Mom can we focus on my heartache for the moment? Okay, I’m sorry that I have not visited you before. I will do better.” He looks so sad and lost.
“Sweetie I am not sure what advice to give you. What I might do may not be the best solution for you.” We are silent for what seems a long time. I am thinking of what to say that will help him without causing further damage. I decide that honesty is the best policy.
I took a deep breathe. “Well sweetie it is time that I tell you of my experience. A while back I fell in love with my best friend. I waited like a year to tell him. He was totally oblivious to my feelings for him. He too thought I was an amazing person. At least you did not wait as long as I did. When I finally did tell him, we too discussed the pros and cons of being in a romantic relationship. Grant it he lives in another state. Actually, it is what made it so easy to conceal my feelings from him. We decided that it would be best to be as friends. It wasn’t easy for me. ”
“Mom but I love her. It feels like I am being torn up inside. I’m doing my best to keep my pain hidden from her. I don’t know if I can do it forever. She is just so amazing. Why did I have to fall in love?”
“Sweetie, I know that it is painful. I wept for days after my friend and I decided to just be friends. He never knew. It wasn’t his fault that he was such a great guy that I would fall in love with him. Actually when we met, all we did was argue about politics and religion. How ironic! I don’t know what happened, or when it happened. It simply did. The same with you. Sweetie, in life when we least expect it love finds us. I know this is going to hurt but Sweetie we can’t make someone fall in love with us.”
“I know mom but I just wish it wouldn’t hurt as much.” I look at him as his eyes are watery. The beautiful bright smile is gone and his lip is trembling. I feel my eyes watering. I try to be strong for him.
“Well Sweetie since you wish to continue to be friends then you will have to slowly distance yourself so that it will slowly be less painful. It is what I did.”
We hear a knock on the door. Julio has returned. Arman must now go back with his dad. We give each other a big bear hug and say “I love you!”
Julio looks at me. “Are you okay mom?” “Yes, I am okay, I just need a Kleenex.”
I have never regretted what happened with my best friend. I believe that it enriched my life. As a matter of fact, he is the standard by which I measure any other man. Let me tell you that if a girl is to have a standard then it is a very good one.
It will also now help me to better understand what Arman is going through. Arman too will know that I truly feel his pain not only because he is my son. I have gained a deeper level of compassion.
For the longest time, my guy friends would be the ones to fall in love with me. I think that it was time that I knew exactly how painful it was to care so greatly for someone that only saw me as a friend. Actually, I was totally oblivious to how they felt until they decided they had to end the friendship for the sake of their heart.
I just wish that Arman’s heart could have been spared. It is not easy to hand over one’s heart to someone only to have it returned. Before Arman left, he shared with me some songs on youtube that he felt expressed exactly how he felt. The following are the songs:
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