Parvaneh A. Farid

Who am I? I listen to Eckard Tolle and he suggests stay right here right Now and ask your soul „who am I?” He says repeat it and Deepack Chopra gives me affirmations such as „ I love myself just the way I am” „ I am love”! Does that make things easier for me? For Now yes! If I take every moment of my life as Now then there is no problem, they are right! It is only the thought of the past that drags me down to the city of ”Vahmestan” (the city of illusions) and the fear of future that navigates me to the city of „Tarsestan”(the city of fears). And when I stay right here right now and listen and observe then I understand what did the Ancient Persian whispered to the universe „ Dam ghanimat shemar” be grateful to the power of now!
I listen to my own question: Who am I? and I repeat it and the uncertainty comes with it’s many layers and a firm voice echoes: how easy my life was when I knew it all. I knew it all, there was only one answer to everything, it had two colors of black and white and no shades of grey. And for some reason I always knew which one to pick, either white or black. Today I see the so many shades of grey and one of the many answers that comes to mind is „confusion”. But this is not the right answer to my question of Who am I? It just doesn’t feel right!
I take 3 steps down in my being and ask again. My eyes closed, darkness rulling, I look and observe and there I see black patches. I look at one of them, dark and dense like a thick shadow, stuck and I observe...and there I see, it moves, it is a cloud on the sky of my being, I observe and it goes away, a big load of worry goes with it. I look with my eyes still closed, again, I observe and one by one I see the clouds going away, my thoughts my worries my fears, all go away with the heavy loads of clouds. And I cry because I see the sun in the sky of my being. My eyes closed yet there is light. It goes against all my beliefs. Didn’t they teach me in medical school if my eyes are open and the light reaches some cells in the very depth of my eyes with some complicated reactions involved I can see light? What just happend? What is this light? How can I see light with my eyes closed?
And the respond to "who am I" does have many layers but no borders. I feel who I am! It is no more black and white, it is combination of all colors all virtues. I am calm, I am peace, I am kind, I am passionate, I am love, I am spirit, I am noble!
I come up 3 steps and I am a woman. I see my life.
I have competed I have fought, I have teamed up I had lead.
I am a mother, I am a creator, I am a nurturer I am alert I am intuitive, I care I love I love so intensly so selflessly. I come up another step.
I am playful I am flirtious I love myself just the way I am. I come up yet another step.
I am connected to the universe, I am life, I am love I am joy I am the sounds I am the colors I am healing I am spirit.
Now, from above, from below from left and right and from all the other sides I want to look at the city of Vahmestan, the Past! It doesn’t drag me down anymore. I see my decisons when I only use my competetive me, then act based on my motherly intuition and see the other as a child. I see I am playful using only a fraction of my feminity desiring to attract the man who returns my love. I see decisions based only on my fanatical spiritual me, the spirit that pure and noble in it's essence now is veiled by prejudice and judgment, black and white as the gown of a Nun!
Today I want to see the colors and sounds of my being, I want to accept myself just the way I am because it is only through acceptance that I can take a new step and maybe change. I want to make decisions while I take few steps up in the ladder of my being because my Islamic upbringing has taught me: „Prayer is like a ladder suspended between heaven and earth” I can see myself from the universe. I am a Human+ Being!
The woman leader is a spiritual leader because she is enthused and cares, she takes others with her. The mother woman nurtures whoever she meets. The playful woman dances brings joy and laughter and becomes a cat in the company of a care-giver and, the spiritual woman dressed in whatever she wants, meditating, praying, singing, motivating....Shines!