THE FBI has claimed that British Prime Minister Tony Blair has breached US national security by lodging his head too far up George Bush's butt.
An international rescue effort has been set up to extricate Blair's head, though sources say he is quite happy up there. Mr Bush has said that though he was delighted with Blair's behind-you every-step-of-the-way approach, he didn't think the British leader meant it so literally.
Mr Blair's children are being briefed on his whereabouts by Downing Street Press Secretary Alistair Cambell, after claims that their mother Cherie Blair had caused them distress by saying: “Daddy is firmly up the President's arse.”
Instead, Mr Cambell is said to have told them: “Shut it you brats or I'll send you to Kabul where dad will bomb you.”
Mr Cambell had earlier expressed surprise at hearing of the location of Mr Blair's head. He said: “I could have sworn he was up my arse.”
UK immigration in mix-up
THE UK Home Office has issued an apology for supplying 300 Middle Eastern asylum seekers with application forms for the fascist British National Party (BNP).
A BNP spokesman told BBC Radio 4's Today programme: “Though we were deeply distressed by the government's mistake, we understand that it is under immense pressure from immigrants and accept the apology.”
Kamal Hamid, one of the Kurdish refugees who applied to join the BNP, said he was shocked when the party wrote back advising him he was “too short”.
Straw and Khatami in refugee talks
UK Foreign Minister Jack Straw met Iran's President Khatami in Tehran last week. At the meeting Khatami apologised for the surge of Iranian refugees that has burdened the British government with asylum applications over the last four years.
Former Home Secretary Straw said: “It's been a pleasure. Most Iranians who come to us seem quite used to being detained for indefinite periods by violent officials without charge.”
UK Muslims cheer Blair
Leaders of Britain's Muslim community have expressed surprise that Tony Blair had managed to meet them last week while his head was still lodged firmly up George Bush's arse.
“These Christians are like Jesus, they can be two places at once,” said Hamid Al-Koubidehgamboo, Chief Rabbi of Hendon Walking Stereotypes Mosque.
Advertisers fear ratings slump
PRESIDENT BUSH is facing pressure from advertisers on big news networks to do something, as news organisations are running out of angles to report on the recent terrorist attacks in America. “Afghanistan is too vague and vast a target for them to strike,” said one CNN source. “But they [the US] must act soon or viewers will get bored.”
Both CNN and News Corporation are said to have approached Monica Lewinsky to help blow up ratings if the Taliban are not hit soon.
African state demands US support
SUDAN, still reeling from Bill Clinton's bombing of a pharmaceutical plant, has asked the United States not to bomb Afghanistan. A hand-written statement from the Sudanese foreign office said: “Mr President, please leave the Afghans alone. Instead, bomb us again and end our misery.”
US endorses Chechen action
THE WHITE House has issued a carte blanche to Russian President Vladimir Putin to destroy any Chechens remaining in Chechnya. In a clear green light to Moscow, US Secretary of State Colin Powell said: “I didn't even know there were any Chechens left.”
Though the Putin Administration has managed to inter the bulk of Chechnya's population, a few rebels have vowed to stay fighting “until our cigarettes run out.”
Libya slams US policy
LIBYA HAS complained to the United Nations Security Council for not having being threatened by the United States. In a statement issued Friday, Colonel Gadaffy said: “It is an insult to the great Libyan people not to have been implicated in the US terror incidents.”
SINGER PAUL McCartney has been arrested at New York's JFK Airport on suspicion of being Osama bin Laden. He is said to have planned a rock concert in support of Islamic terrorism.