The other day, I was doing research on the United Nations Website, trying to find answers to some of our world's most poignant questions such as: How many nations today enforce the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights? And, is the WTO's Agreement on Dumping and Anti-Dumping really a dating guide?
As I was pondering some of these questions that are SO relevant to our day to day lives (and sighing in manner of the Greek God Atlas carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders), my eye caught one minuscule document I hadn't noticed before. It was neatly tucked away between the Vienna Convention on the Law of Treaties and the US Restatement on Foreign Law Section 102. Before I let myself be pulled into the puzzling task of figuring out why the U.S. needs to restate everything, I clicked on this yet unseen document and nearly fell out of my chair.
For all you equally confused readers out there, I have reproduced below the entire document, signed by all the major countries recipient of large hyphenated Iranian populations:
UNIVERSAL Agreement on the Rules, Regulations and By-Laws of Eye-ranian Entertainment and Youth Centers
Date of Entry into Force: Some years after the Massive Exodus to the West caused by the Islamic Revolution
Signatories: Canada, United States, United Kingdom, Australia, Germany, France, Holland, Sweden, Norway, Italy, Spain, Japan, UAE, India
Article 1
It is hereby decreed that all major cosmopolitan centers of the signatory countries shall enact special municipal guidelines requiring that their primary Eye-Ranian Disco Center shall be baptized “Club X.” On this point, there should be special emphasis given to the correct pronunciation of the above-mentioned disco, which should incorporate as many syllables as possible into the otherwise short term: Suggestions include calling it “Ke-Lub Exx” and “Ke-Lub-Eh Exx-eh Digeh Baba”.
It shall be unlawful to name any Eye-Ranian disco any other name until the name “Club X” has first been filled. This will ensure that all major cosmopolitan centers of the signatory countries can have consistency and harmony and all Eye-Ranians traveling from one location to the other shall not at all feel homesick as they can attend the local Club X “just like back home” and make useful comparisons as to which Club X “sucks the most”.
Once the position of “Club X” has been filled, other creative names may be allowed for all secondary Eye-Ranian discos opening in the same cosmopolitan center, within tasteful limits of course. Suggestions include such attention drawing names as: Tapesh, Bahal, Gherti, and Why not Persian?
Article 2
All Eye-Ranian Disc-Jockeys or DJs working in the above-mentioned “Club X” shall be named by birth Javad, Samad, and Zolfali but their nom de scene shall be limited to DJ Tony, Johnny, and with special allowance, Gianni.
The above-mentioned DJs shall have no specific training in the technical aspects of nightclub entertainment but merely be trying to make some pocket money while “working their way through medical school.”
They shall wear Caesar haircuts, and keep one hand on their headphones at all times, while grooving in place to their own mixes.
Article 3
Special Effects such as strobe lights and smoke, shall at all times be dispensed in a very liberal manner. The smoke button shall be pushed no less than 25 times per minute, until the patrons of Club X are totally immersed in the stinging substance and risk 3rd degree asphyxiation. The strobe lights shall be blasted throughout the night until some patrons begin exhibiting symptoms of epileptic seizures.
Article 4
The music at Club X shall be an intricate and delicate matter, necessitating the utmost sophistication and concentration. If the patrons at the club seem to be just starting to get into the groove of some Eye-Ranian damboli tunes, the DJ shall have the duty to abruptly switch from Andy to mid-90s Shabba Ranks. The effect hoped for is to clear the dance floor just as it was getting warm. Repeat the procedure if, on the other hand, everyone is just starting to groove to khareji music.
The DJ shall then abruptly turn off the music in the middle of a trance set, only to engage in an awkward silent pause, then finally playing the Siavash's “Dooset nadaaram” for the hundredth time. Other unexplainable and troublesome mixes such as Sousan Kouri set to gangsta rap beats shall earn the DJ extra points for adhering to the letter and the spirit of the agreement herein enacted.
Article 5
The patrons of Club X shall endure a strict Dress Code or risk an international diplomatic incident and possible declaration of war. The girls shall ensure that they are wearing short dresses and skirts at least 2 sizes too small. In the summer, they shall wear patent leather boots up to the mid thighs, while in the winter, they shall wear only the most delicate of strappy sandals, especially if there is a snow storm brewing outside.
The men shall forget to use deodorant and merely use Calvin Klein's Eternity in manner of sponge bath. Their hair shall be molded with gel, mousse and, for the more old-fashioned, a Special Pommade circa. 1932, into a helmet-like sculpture that could withstand the twister that made the cow fly in that Helen Hunt movie.
Article 6
No, I repeat, no alcoholic beverages shall be consumed on the premises of Club X. Rather, conspicuous bottles of Coca-Cola filled to the brim with Vodka or Rum shall be kept in the cool glove compartment of the patrons' cars in the Club's parking lot. The patrons shall attend to their cars in groups of no less than three from time to time and use the one bottle as the universal refresher before heading back to the dance floor. Some especially adroit patrons shall smuggle their special home-made brew to be consumed in the restrooms.
Article 7
Any night started at Club X shall end at an all night greasy spoon, preferably an Iranian one that serves Head-Leg (Kaleh-Pacheh), but any Mr. Greek, Denny's or In and Out Burger will do too.
So… there you have it! The laws of our universe just makes much more sense when they are codified, don't they?
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