In the wake of war against terrorism in the United States, we Iranians are considered prime suspects due to our national origin. We are discriminated against at our place of work, we are subjects of racial profiling and we get unfair treatments at any place that we are deemed to be a threat to the national security. We simply do not have equal rights as others in this country.
You may innocently ask why? What have I done to deserve this? You may argue that you are a hard working, law-abiding citizen of this great country then why should you be treated differently?
My polite response to your legitimate question is, shut the hell up! Close your terrorist hole! You are guilty by the reason of nationality!
As the president of the United States and leader of the free world always says, we are the “Evil Doers”. Caution! This phrase does not exist in the dictionary and was introduced to the English language by his excellency for the first time. However, this simple yet profound phrase reveals our national sexual orientations. Men from other countries, usually have sex with women so they are “Human Doers”. But our sexual appetite is different, we are not satisfied with humanly sex, we chase monsters, ghouls and vampires, buy them drinks and try to get into their pants, so we are considered the “Evil Doers”.
To protect our national identity, we Iranian men should stop this unorthodox practice of chasing demons and focus on human race even if we have to give up our personal pleasures.
Dear fellow suspects, do not take these accusations personally and stop whining. Let’s face it, case against us is very strong. It is evident that if we were not terrorists, the president of the United States would not call our nation a terrorist nation! Don’t we understand anything? We came from a terrorist nation which simply means that every one of 70 millions Iranians is a terrorist.
Your babe bozorg (grand father) is a terrorist. Your mother in law is a terrorist. Your ameh joon (dear aunt) is a terrorist and if you make love to your wife tonight without condom, chances are that you are making a little cute (cocol zari) terrorist which arrives in 9 months.
And if you don’t agree with his infinite wisdom, I prove why you are a terrorist. Right at this moment, go to your bathroom and look yourself in the mirror? Who is the man in the mirror? Doesn’t he look like one of the terrorist pictures you see on TV? Look at the color of your skin and compare, what about the color of your eyes, oh my God resemblance is uncanny. Now state your name with your Iranian accent, don’t be scared, say it again.
So, you look like them, you sound like them and your name has a few common letters with theirs. What other proof do you want? By law, you are one of them.
Now that I have established the fact (beyond the shadow of doubt) that we Iranians are all terrorists, please follow these simple instructions.
Shave daily, I take it back, shave twice a day. God forbid if you forget to shave for two days, do not leave home.
If you go out of your home, it better not be for fun, strolling in the crowded shopping centers with your suspicious looks is a no no.
Do not go to the cinema on time, always arrive 15 minutes late when the lights are out and leave the theater 15 minutes before the movie is over. (Use your imagination to figure out the ending).
Become a Mexican. They are in better shape than we are these days.
Do not speak your language in public even with your grand pa who does not speak one word of English. Which scenario do you prefer? Dealing with your pissed off Baba Joon or the suspicious looks of people around you?
Regardless of your personal problems, do not look worried or appear to be in rush in public places even if your appendix is ruptured.
Do not learn how to fly, don’t even think about it. If you have a passion to fly, fly out of your window, this is called a free fall (no charge) and the result is a blast!
Do not take self- defense classes, it looks suspicious for us Middle Easterns. If you are getting beat up by a bully at your school on a daily basis, to defend yourself take ballet classes and one day show up in your white spandex and ballet shoes and tip toe to your bully in public. Do you really think he would punch you in your cute outfit in front of all your classmates? I don’t thinks so.
Do not mix chemicals at home. Mixture of household cleaning products may create explosives. And you know that the Middle Easterns and explosives don’t go together very well.
But if you have to mix them to get a better cleaning result, take a sip out of your Windex, Drain-O liquid plumber, Comet Bathroom cleaner, Lysol toilet bowl cleaner and Pine-Sol and then shake your body for a few minutes, if you didn’t blow up, the mixture is safe and non-explosive.
Oh! Wait a minute, the mixture may be explosive under high temperature. In that case, repeat the sipping step and then, turn on the stove to the highest level, pull your pants down and jump on the largest burner and sit there calmly for 25 minutes. (Dizziness and smoking ass are common side effects of this experiment). If you are still not blown up, the mixture is safe and you may proceed and clean your house.
Do not fly with commercial airliners for two reasons, first is because someone may high jack the plane and crash it into a building and second is that all passengers may think you are the one who is going to do it!
If you have to go to the overseas, hire a mule or use your bicycles.
But if you have to go to the airport, arrive 7 days prior to the flight, for security check and possible detention. Upon your arrival, proceed to the first available counter and in a clear and non-threatening voice declare: “I am a Middle Eastern man, what is my punishment please”? The courteous staff behind the counter would take care of you.
While in the plane, (if you are lucky and get to that point) do not and I repeat do not go to the bathroom. As you stand up, you will be tackled by minimum of fifty passengers desperately fighting for their lives. Believe me, No human bladder can withstand such pressure, therefore you will officially poo your pants. To avoid such complications, eating and drinking 24 hours prior to the flight is prohibited for Middle Easterns.
As we all know, to protect us in this time of crisis, and to avoid violations of our civil rights regardless of our race and national origin, NSA (National Security Agency) is lawfully controlling every telephone conversation and email. And better yet, the tiny transmitters are invented and widely used by the intelligence agencies to eves drop on people with Middle Eastern Backgrounds. These devices are so tiny that can be inserted in any human hole and bug the hell out of him. Therefore, dear Iranians, watch your ass, as you may be sleeping one night and dreaming about the world peace or the girl next door, this device may be inserted in you. I sincerely believe these microphones have been planted in all of us by now without lubrications. Yes, we all have bugs in our ass.
Until further notice, I strongly recommend to all of you my fellow Iranians not to eat Deezee or burritos as they are saturated with beans. Remember that any noise we generate is promptly transmitted to the headquarters of spy agencies and carefully analyzed. We must watch our diets not because we may send the false signals but to preserve our national pride. We are not a Goozoo nation.
In light of the above discovery and to ensure your privacy, every night before you go to bed, check your hole first or have your wife do it for you. If you find a foreign object do not be alarmed, gently remove the object and put it in a glass of water next to your bed until the next morning. Do not get thirsty in the middle of the night.
Finally, please be suspicious of yourself. Keep a logbook of all your daily activities. You never know when you will be questioned. Keep the receipt for every purchase you make and remember why you made it. If you visit a hooker, make sure you get cash receipt or better yet pay with credit card. Believe me, explaining this charge to your wife is much easier than justifying an unknown payment to a total stranger to the authorities.