I just sat down and talked to my mom for a few hours. She wants me to not make Soheil another one of my “victims” in my pseudo goal of self-actualization. It's really odd to see her perceptions of marriage and how a woman should sacrifice what she is in order to maintain structure and to save face.
She explained to me that I made a collective ass of my family as well as that of Soheil and his family by the way that I conspired to ruin the lives of everyone in pursuit of marriage. That's a nice way to put it, isn't it?
She went on to explain how she is so ashmed of me and that I can't just walk away from something like marriage. Says who? I mean is there some sort of giant Code of Ethical Living written by my parents? Was I not aware of their best-selling book? If they had all the answers, well then I should have ended up perfect — which I am far from.
I think my parents are afraid of the fact that I am serious about this whole concept of not being married. In fact, I would go so far as to say that they are terrified at the prospect of me disgracing the very essence of their integrity by “giving up” at my marriage. They know how stubborn I am when I make up my mind up about something, and they are afraid that I am just being hasty in judgment about something that is not the least bit trivial.
That's understandable. Every time I ask myself how I justify my reasoning in feeling this way, I always end up with the routine list of evidence leading up to the way that I feel, and then I think to myself, “I don't owe anyone some extraordinary mind blowing reason to explain my mistake when it is just that, one huge mistake.”
Oh yeah, back to my point about independence: I was thinking about what I want from my parents while still considering their personal limits and values. The thing that I came up with on most occasions is unconditional display of love. I don't doubt their love for an instant, but in their actions, their love seems to fluctuate. It depends on circumstance.
I wish for once they would treat me the way they explain their love in theory. I wish that they would listen when I express my need to be independent and self-sufficient. I mean, they say that they want me to be a strong woman that is in control of her future. But as the years pass, I am beginning to realize that their interpretation of independent is very closely related to just going to school and having the advantage of going to school.
This seems to be the same idea shared by Soheil and the way he interprets a “liberated woman”. Interesting how I don't like the idea of my parents' AND Soheil's ideology, and coincidentally they are the people who bring me the most mental strife.
My mom has this way of trying to lead me into the darkness of Guilt's misery: She has this great story where she explains that Soheil has the goodness of heart to have known the downfalls of my being bipolar yet accepting me as his wife. This statement alone makes me want to hit myself over the head with the great hammer of “what the hell were you thinking?”
My mom acts as though he had the ability to pity me and compromise his possibilities of achieving marital happiness when he found out about my “illness”. Bullshit! If they had a list of stuff I don't like about him in the DSMIV, I don't think all the pity in this world could save either of us. If my mom was trying to bring things full circle by making me feel like shit, she did a damn good job with that comment.