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* Materalistic Iranian men

Dear Abjeez,

I am a twenty-six-year old attractive young Iranian-American girl, and currently I have started dating Iranian men. I have realized that most Iranian men which I date are not interested in the wonderful me, instead they seem to be more concerned with the kind of car I drive, what my father's occupation is, where I live, my income and what I do for living.

It seems that if I present myself as a girl with a modest means I am automatically out!!! And the guy on his search for that materialistic rich dokhtrah Los Anglesi. I just do not get it? Has it not always been the girl out of natural instinct looking for a man to be the provider for her and the children?

In my case it is directly the opposite. I just do not know what to do? I just feel that these Iranian men fail to see the person first and foremost and dollar sign is all they see. I am not “pozee” and I hate the whole materialistic view points of these men. Do you have any advice for me about dealing with this whole materalistic side of the Persian culture…



Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear “Iranian Girl”:

While we usually don't like generalizations, the experience you describe is very plausible. This may be because culturally, we are a very pozzy group, interested in status symbols and the beautiful shiny surface instead of working on healthy souls. On top of it, the Iranian community in Los Angeles is also influenced by the local materialism, after all this is La-La Land we are talking about: It's all about image and illusion, and it is very hard to find someone who is “real.”

We also agree with you about the seeming role reversal that has taken place after the so-called Sexual Revolution. Just as women have learned to educate themselves, make their own income, and be independent, their image of the ideal man is still for the most part that white knight gharibe ashenaa from googoosh's song that comes and sweeps you off your feet. The men are equally confused. They don't know whether picking up the tab or holding the door out for you is going to be considered gentlemanly or an insult.

The men you describe however seem to be full-fledged gold diggers not just other fish caught in the vague and troubled waters of the dating pool. While we are sorry you have experienced their nastiness, you should consider yourself lucky that they were dumb enough to reveal their true colors so that you could promptly weed them out.

You should continue being yourself, a real person with feelings, flaws and qualities, and everyday struggles rather than a bank account number. The truth is, while you may have had bad luck lately, not all men, certainly not Iranian men, fit the description you provide. Actually, a REAL man will not feel the need to run after a woman's money like a cheap gigolo. And as we abjeez never tire from saying, we know a lot of Iranian men right here in So Cal who are REAL men.

Our concern would be where are you meeting these guys? If you look for love in the wrong places, this may explain why you are ending up with a certain category of guys. Our guess is you have recently started hanging out at persian “hot spots” like nightclubs, bars etc. This may be why you keep running into these doppelgangers from Saturday Night Live's Club Hoppin brothers (You know the ones, slicked back hair, flashy suits, gold chains, and their heads bopping to one side to the sounds of “What is Love?”).

Maybe you yourself are kind of guilty of going for the materialistic values such as a handsome face, or a showy car.

We suggest that if you want to meet a real person, you should stop looking for them in these dives. A good way to meet someone is always being set up by your friends. After all, they are the ones who know you best, who know what and who you are looking for, and they (hopefully) have your best interests in mind.

If you are a student, it is not hard to find people with whom you have things in concern both inside and outside the classroom, given the wealth of extracurricular clubs, student societies, social events etc available. And nothing stops you from engaging in hobbies with other like-minded persons even if you are a career girl. Take up a sports class, or a book club, whatever rocks your boat.

The thing is, the better caliber of people you surround yourself with, the better the chances that you will meet someone that you will like and who will also like you for the right reasons. Even in this materialistic Los Angeles, there are REAL men who are not money-hungry or pozzi, but hard-working and real: After all, you grew up here and you managed to keep your head on your shoulders.

We wish you the best of luck.


Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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