Private thoughts

Every year, on the first day of January, I write down things that I learned in the past year. They include private thoughts, interesting encounters, and personal observations. Some years, I produce a long list of items and some years, not a word.

Last year, however, was nothing short of climactic. A year of great triumphs and devastating defeats. Allow me to share with you some of my private thoughts and personal notes.

* You will never defeat an army of idiots. Join them and run for president.

* Be careful whose toe you step on today because it might be attached to an ass you have to kiss tomorrow. (Javid Shah!)

* Your exotic Persian looks will get you through all obstacles in life except airport security.

* Forget saving the world, save your hair.

* Hot tea + frozen Vodka = Persian Party.

* Dinner + movie with a Persian girl and her entire family = date.

* English: IRA account = Persian: Oldest child.

* “All men are created equal.” Bullshit.

* “Health is more important than wealth” — especially when you are filthy rich and have cancer.

* Serve your country, get a vasectomy today.

* Cherish your culture; take antidepressants.

* When you think you've reached the lowest point in your life, watch Iranian satellite TV and you notice that you're not doing that badly after all.

* Jealousy is the most effective motivation on the path to success.

* Farid is Laleh's brother. Laleh is my brother's wife. I told Farid, “Hey, my brother's banging your sister. What do you think about that?” I don't know why Farid got upset.

* In the game of life, you either are a windshield or a bug. SPLASH!

* Have you hugged your Green Card today?

* Stock portfolio: buy cheap, sell cheaper.

* University students? Uprising my ass. I wanna see illiterate prostitutes start a revolution for a change.

* How come we don't see cool guys like Takhti and Fardin anymore?

* If it's us against them, I put my money on them.

* I will participate in a bloody revolution only if a delusional hypochondriac with bad skin rash organizes it.

* Why isn't there an Iranian director saying, “We have discovered the ingredient to win international awards for best foreign movies. We make the most boring and depressing movies and edit the hell out of them to the point of no comprehension. And then, stupid Europeans give us prizes. Allah o Akbar.”

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