United States of America Government White House Re: Governor of Iraq
Dear Mr. President,
Should you be in the market for a seasoned, accomplished governor for any future county within Iraq, especially the territories surrounding the holy cities of Najaf or Karbala, the enclosed resume should be of interest to you.
My background includes a B.S. in Business Managment from an accredited university in the U.S, coupled with over 20 years of experience living in a Middle Eastern country (Iran), and meeting lots of Iraqi refugees. During this time, I also studied Arabic language for 7 years in junior high and high school.
Below is a list of my qualifications:
— U.S citizen, this way my loyalty to U.S is proved and in no way I will do anything in favor of Middle Eastern folks that may have not any profit for my current country of residence.
— Not fond of Iraqis so much, due to eight years of war between Iran-Iraq. I will oversee the income distribution from oil and will make sure the bigger chunk goes to Vice President Cheney’s account.
— Middle Eastern look, this way people will be deceived and think I am on their side. And also complete familiarity with the region’s tradition and culture.
— Family ties to one of the most influential religious Shia families in history. (Indeed one of my grandmother’s dear cousins was a grand ayatollah AND a British spy.) Shajarenameh (family tree) will be provided upon request.
Other experiences include:
— Elementary school spent in Iranian bomb shelters. — Had to pretend I believed in Islam, despite having atheist parents. — Lying to school officials about my father's drinking. — Complete insight of region's culture (forced to study Arabic for 7 years). — Member of large family (35 first cousins), so I will be able to deal well with tribal issues. — Mastered the art of lying by keeping wild parties secret from parents and revolutionary militia men.
If you appoint me as one of your representatives in Iraq, it will be greatly appreciated especially by both my grandmothers. It will facilitate their pilgrimage to the holy cities and they will pray for you a lot.
I would welcome the opportunity to meet with you to discuss how, as a governor, I might make great contributions to your propaganda. Should you wish to explore this matter in greater detail, please contact me. My resume is enclosed below.