Dear Mom and Dad,
I am writing you to thank you again for sending me a wife from Iran. Maryam, oh no I mean Marjan, has fulfilled all my desires. The short, ugly and bald Iranian that I am, there is no way anyone in their right mind here in America would want to live with me.
Mom, thank you for your advice because she did indeed listen to me. I told Marjan what you told me to tell her, that she is inferior to me and that she is here in America only to take care of me.
The first day Marjan arrived, I made her take off her scarf because I did not want to embarrass myself in front of the neighbors. She refused so I had to slap her around, although she constantly cried for the next three days. But it did not bother me since I closed the door on her so I would not have to hear her.
She is not a bad cook but she forgets that I do not like carrots. So to truly make my point across I had to yell at her and again, unfortunately, I let her have it. I specifically told her that if I taste carrots in my stew again, I would kick her out onto the streets where she would be homeless for the rest of her life.
Marjan has also been bothering me for a Green Card so that she can take classes at a community college and get a job. I told her not to worry about the Green Card because for the rest of her life she will be taking care of the house and the kids. Also, the lawyer fees are getting too high and the paperwork is too thick and complicated.
Mom, you might be thinking that Marjan is annoying me but don't worry because I am so busy with my friends. After work, I go to the gym and afterwards my co-workers and I go to the bar for drinks. So I get home very late but there's some time left for her to give me the kind of pleasure no girl has ever given me in my entire life.
Marjan has been asking me for money and I have explained to her know that I would only give her money if she performs extra tasks, like washing my cars, cleaning my garage, and of course kinky sex — the kind I always wanted from a girl. In fact I must tell you, she is making most of her money from the latter.
Meanwhile, Marjan has asked me to teach her how to read and speak English. But I know that if I do, then she will read these American books and might start having feminist ideas and start talking crazy to me.
Anyways, I have to stop writing because Marjan is crying in the other room. I think she itching for another round of beating.
Your son Afshin
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