A male friend of mine once said, there are three genders in this world; Men, Women and Babes. He attributed a fairytale life to women fortunate enough to be born as Babes. What does he know? All woman start out life as beautiful, perfect little babes.
Hello, I'm baby #1
At the moment, I poop my pants and babble a lot. In about 20 years, I'm going to be one drop dead gorgeous babe.
Even though at best, I will be a C student, it will be easier for me to get a job. Even a job for which, I will not be fully qualified. If you don't believe me, just ask the 'qualified but ugly' job seekers out there.
People will love me simply because I am beautiful. Companies will use my pretty face, my perky breasts, and my sexy bum to sell anything from mouthwash to wholesale invasion of countries. Death and destruction never looked so good.
Because, I will never have to work to get attention, my personality will be rather limp. I will be boring, at best. Mostly, I will be insecure and afraid of growing old. (If you don't believe me, ask Baby #3, she went to school with types like me).
If I am smart, before I peek in my chosen career as a Pretty Woman, at the age of 23, I will branch out and set up my own cosmetic line. I will push cosmetics on young girls and keep the cycle of oppression through coercion going at full throttle.
I will be considered a Goddess. I will have no problems finding a mate willing to produce children with me. This ensures that not only my pretty genes but also my dumb genes will be passed on. As a result, people like me are responsible for keeping the human race dumb, insecure and shopping.
Hi there, I'm baby #2.
Right now, I am cute as a button and everyone loves me, even when I shit my diapers. In about 20 years, I'm going to be one ugly young woman. Things are going to be tough, because I will also be a C student.
Unfortunately, I will have no access to a sense of humor, thus I will wear my ugliness like an albatross around my neck. I will wear gaudy jewelry, glossy lipstick and walk around like a clown. I will be easily cowed. Just say, I'm ugly and I will hit the floor crying like a baby.
Friendships with pretty women will be lost to me. I will hate them, fear them, idolize them, and in most cases, I will ignore them. This ensures that the female population is fractured from the onset and will present no formidable challenge to the system. I will be incomplete emotionally. I will be insecure. I will buy whatever baby #1 is selling.
I will marry, have children and pass on all my insecurities and shame to my children. Because of types like me, the human race will continue on the path of dumbness and consumerism.
Yooo! I be the Baby called #3:
How yoo doing? Like I give a BLEEP! Just pulling your leg there little buddy. You thought I was gonna be all sugar and spice. Why don't you stick your nursery rhymes up your fascist BLEEP! You jerk off! Just kidding there little buddy.
Yeah, I'm a little baby, but I got a mouth like a Gumba Hit man. I will never experience adolescence. I am 2 years old going on 62.
My brain will be the bane of my life. I will be lonely most of my life…always mismatched because I like it that way. My insecurities will not be availed with pretty trinkets or shiny objects.
By experience, it will become apparent to me. A $1000 Channel dress on a flat-chested chick is just that, a $1000 dollar dress on flat-chested chick. What's that compared to a $5 t-shirt, one size too small, on a C cup chick? Ask me and I'll tell you.
Most likely, I will die without passing on my genes because I have a bad attitude. Hence, I also play a tremendous role in keeping the human race dumb.
Hello. I'm Baby #4
Just like all the rest, I too am a very cute baby. I will grow up to be a cute woman. Most likely, I will end my days as a cute little old lady. I have everything in proportion and that's why they call me Plain Jane.
I won't stand out much, but my guy will never stray far. My secret? I will care, I will share, but mostly, I will know how to nod my head and pretend I'm listening.
I will thoroughly enjoy my life from crayons to condoms to condominiums. I will pass through the phases of my life according to plan.
I will be the granny that remembers what it was like to be a teen. I will be the granny that knows that life isn't fair but that don't mean it ain't worth a bean. I will show you a stunning picture of my younger years, and then I'll throw my head back and laugh. As always, my dentures will fall out and everyone will be too grossed out to eat turkey dinner.
I want them to bury me in a field of forget-me-nots. Oh please, let them mark my headstone with this epithet. “Here lies Plain Jane. She wasn't much to look at, and she wasn't a barrel of laughs. She didn't move mountains; she didn't really say anything worth repeating. Not to mention, she didnt get much done. She just popped out a few kids. But none-the-less, here lies what's her name.”
Author Afsaneh Bahrami is the publisher of Aunti Establishment Weekly. Afsaneh is a writer / performer based in Toronto. (“I specialize in epic roles, funny faces and minor speaking parts, when I can get them.”) She can be reached telepathically at 1 800 AUNTI EST.