I was only thirteen when I lost my virginity to a thirty-two-year-old reformist prostitute. She was married to a communist drug user who was related to a fundamentalist cross-dresser who dated a suicide bomber while cheating on him with an orthodox Jewish settler in Gaza.
The reformist prostitute spied for the Taliban for years until she discovered that Maoist Leninists paid better for her services. So she converted to Buddhism and joined the evangelical Christian movement to bare arms and participate in velvet revolutions only to learn that Hezbollah had a much better dental plan.
Her communist drug user husband was a friend of a friend who was the illegitimate lovechild of a metrosexual ayatollah who donated money to the president of Halliburton whose brother was a fashion designer for Chechnian rebels and once roomed with an insurgent while working at a chocolate factory.
The reformist prostitute later divorced her communist drug user husband and married PLO's chief technology officer while producing a steamy reality show for Al-Jazeera.
Shortly after that, she became the lover of a lesbian monarchist who was seriously injured while orchestrating a raid on the World Bank. The lesbian monarchist took refuge in the Vatican and later converted to anarchism and represented the Pope in the Goodwill Games as the capitan of the debate team.
The communist drug user husband moved to a Red state where he married the ex-wife of a redneck who was a linebacker for the Redskins and volunteered for the Red Cross and often drank Red Bull, only to get run over by a red Ferrari while visiting Red Square.
The reformist prostitute was commissioned by Amnesty International to spy on the National Geographic Society and feed wrong information to the Smithsonian regarding the Iranian nuclear weapon program from a Starbucks coffee shop located deep inside occupied territories.
The reformist prostitute's cover was blown when she visited a psychic in India who worked part-time at a helpdesk outsourcing center in Bangalore where she started a long-distance relationship with a UN weapon inspector turned exotic dancer.
The reformist prostitute landed herself in prison where she was tortured by Cirque Du Soleil transvestite midgets for days and subsequently signed a confession letter admitting that she had killed Yasser Arafat by forcing him to eat a double Quarter Pounder with cheese while praying behind a female Imam.
The reformist prostitute was sentenced to hard labor where she consequently committed suicide after spending two weeks, locked down in “It's a small world after all” attraction at Disneyland.
Her lesbian lover was ordered killed by a cardinal for promoting suicidal thoughts among members of the Irish rock band, “U2.”