Crap like this occupy my head all day:
* Homosexuals in America have been fighting for years for a right to get married. Women in Iran have been fighting for years for a right to get divorced!
* A woman who receives money from the opposite sex for sexual favors is called a prostitute. A man who receives money from the opposite sex for sexual favors is called a lucky bastard! Don't know about you, but I've never come close to being a lucky bastard.
* A new billboard in the city of Mashad warns Western tourists:
Kiss another guy
kiss your ass good-bye
Hanging with the boys
hanging from the ropes.
Do him in the butt
get your weenie cut.
Play with his whale
and you go to jail
Naked in his bed
don't you touch his head
Welcome to the city of Mashad,
the land of proud
— and mostly paranoid —
straight men.
* London News Flash — A suicide bomber got fired when he overslept, missed the bus and on the way back to the mosque, and his backpack got stolen. He was arrested when he turned up at the Metropolitan police station to claim his stolen backpack.
* If the majority agrees with you, chances are good you're on the wrong track.
* If your mother divorces your father and marries your uncle, does your father become your uncle and your uncle become your father? Wouldn't your mom become your uncle's wife? How about your brothers and sisters? Wouldn't they become your cousins? What about your cousins? Wouldn't they become your brothers and sisters? I'm confused!
* My Persian cat is high on crack, constantly nags, starts rumors, gossips all day and considered me a failure.
* Advertisement in a London magazine : Do you look too Middle Eastern? Do people panic when you step inside a bus? Are you no longer able to carry a backpack? Did you have to throw away all your baggy clothes? Worry no more. London's most skilled plastic surgeon Dr. Shakespearian can make you look German, Australian, Scandinavian or Welsh. Our new system of total makeover is so effective that it even fools the Imam of the masque you attend every day. Come in today for a consultation and you will receive a one-week's supply of body hair removal products for free.
* Thanks to miracles of modern medicine, my 95-year-old great grandfather has a new lovechild. His 16-year-old mistress was convinced she would get pregnant when she heard my great grandfather scream, “Who's your daddy,” while swinging from the chandelier.
* I met a new Iranian girl who describes herself a homophobic, psychotic bitch who likes torturing men for sexual pleasure and often skins animals alive to calm her nerves. I think I'm in love!
* A prostitute offered me a good time for $20. I asked her if I could have an okay time for $15 and a horrible time for $5.
* Funny how we all went berserk when the National Geographic Society added “Arabian Gulf” next to the Persian Gulf. but nobody said a word about 1 million barrels of oil and petrochemical products being spilled in the waterway every year. I guess cleaning-up the Persian Gulf would require us to do actual work.
* I'm selling my left kidney on eBay. The bid is up to $3. I can't wait to find out how much I can get for the right one!
* I knew I had become Zan Zallil (pussy whopped) when:
— My hands felt like sandpapers because I refused to wear gloves while washing dishes every night.
— I was more familiar with cleaning brands than tool brands.
— My back was sore not because of playing soccer with the guys but because of pulling and pushing the vacuum cleaner all day.
— I always smelled like Lysol.
— I could disassemble a vacuum cleaner in two minutes but had no clue what's under the hood of my car.
— I knew how to make Ghormeh Sabzi from scratch but had no idea how to change the gas tank in my grill.
— I was the only one among my friends who knew the difference between gentle cycle and normal wash.
— I spent hours at COSTCO but I had never been to CHECKER.
— My mother-in-law called me to get recipes for her dinner party.
— I couldn't name a single player in the Iranian National soccer team but I knew the name of all the hosts at the Food Network.
— I got excited when Martha Stewart was released from prison
About
Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream, (Virtualbookworm.com Publishing, December 2004). Also see Iranican-Dream.com.
