That'll teach me gorge myself when I wasn't even that hungry. That'll teach me to leave frozen burgers in the back of my freezer for 18 months. That'll teach to stick those same burgers into the oven without defrosting them. That'll teach me to eat so many burgers in one go.
The first inkling I had that something wasn't quite tight was when I was on the phone to my cousin Reza. He had discovered a site called pamtv.com. I was listening but becoming increasingly distracted by a queasy sensation in my stomach. This was less that 2 hours after finishing the last burger.
“Reza jan” I pleaded, “I need to go to the toilet.”
“OK, off you go. Call me back later then.”
I put the phone down and immediately sensed a fart. Except I knew I couldn't trust it to be a fart. So I clenched myself into what I can only describe as a starfish death grip. And thus clenched I slowly climbed the stairs to the toilet. Although liquid emerged en-route, it didn't touch cloth.
Without going into too much detail the next 48 hours were probably the worst of life as far as my general wellbeing is concerned. At one point I was on the loo and puking into out bath-tub all at the same time. I would genuinely have been happy if someone had put me out of my misery. In fact, several times during the night, Varinder did threaten to put me out of my misery.
“If you must pig yourself like the lard arse you are…”
“I think I'm going to be sick again.”
“It serves you right!”
“Was that a fart or did you just shit yourself?”
You will be pleased to know that two days on I feel much, much, much better. However, I am still not 100%. My stomach feels like one of those Cappuccino machines you find in steaming Italian coffee shops. It makes the same noises and I swear on my life, when I sit on the toilet and strain, it sounds just like I am frothing up a cup with the steam nozzle. I half expect to stand up and grate chocolate into the toilet.
I will clean out my freezer tomorrow.
Siamack Salari is CEO of Everyday Lives, recording human behavior for commercial marketing.
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