Iran 5 – International Community (still) 0


This is the latest sequel to [The game will go on], [], [] and [Is this anything?]. As the jeers of Iran’s quest of the Atom Cup strains to a crescendo, the world is getting closer to the day that the Iranian rep at the UN will be delivering the speech that until less than year ago was just a fantasy speech [Things you don’t want to hear]. Life will imitate literature and, to borrow from the title of an early CBS program, “You were there.”

In the last few days, two icons of American diplomacy and have penned articles that prove wisdom comes only with age and not necessarily with experience or duration of office. Jimmy is the real life version of the Biblical character Job and much maligned former US president who one day, in my opinion, will be elevated to sainthood. Henry, on the other hand, is a Jew from Germany with Machiavellian instincts, one who is probably closer to Lucifer himself — by the way, all his predictions for the World Cup that he spewed on Charlie Rose came out wrong.

Any way, they both have concluded that the survival of Israel as a country depends on the US relations with Iran and, as Kissinger put it, regardless of who is in power in Tehran. Well, even the dimmest of lights shines bright in the dark of despair, says Guive Mirfendereski!

One of the brightest men even in a fully lit room was father. He had a way of explaining the most complex of the issues in the simplest of terms that even a child could understand. When he was about to teach diplomatic history at George Washington University, I asked him what could he add to the subject that already was not known. In his characteristically sarcastic way, he said, “the havij theory.” The theory was the precursor of what is the carrot — and — stick approach to international persuasion. He believed that diplomacy is the means for chapandan (to cram) and success at it was more a matter of understanding physics than chemistry; it was more about dynamics than lubrication.

Take the carrot, for example — if inserted from the pointed end it will negotiate itself to the higher recesses of the abdomen, gradually, until it is up to the hilt in the unsuspecting opening. Try the converse and chances are that one would not get past the initial contact of the broad end of the vegetable with the opening — lubrication or no lubrication. “With diplomacy,” he would say, “one could achieve the most forceful of results, with force alone and with no appreciation of mechanics no amount of grease will make way.”

So I come to this latest episode about the “international community” seeking to push the havij (carrot) into the Islamic opening of the regime in Tehran from the broad end and with no lubricant.

The UN Security Council has voted 14-1 asking Iran to suspend the enrichment of uranium and reprocessing activities by the end of August, or else the UN Security Council will sit down and start talking about sanctioning Iran! “BFD,” said the Iranian president Mighty Mouse Ahmadinejad,” in Khorasan Province the other day [khor=sun + ashan=house, not the land of the sun, in which case in would be khorastan!]. The Resolute Nation, he intoned to the unscripted, unscreened but adoring crowds, the country will not yield to intimidation, threats and coercion. Still a big fat bilakh in the buggered eye of the international community! Every Iranian child with a first grade education, he could have said, knows the score by now: Iran 5, international community (still) a big fat fucking 0!

Can anyone explain to me the immutable logic behind this one-month long ultimatum? If Iran is on such a learning curve that it is about to qualify for the next intolerable round of its Atom Cup quest, then why give it a whole month to comply? Is this about international due process under the UN rules? Hardly. The IRI rep, Mr. Zomokht (pardon me, Zarif) was barred even from, in his word, “appraising” [sic] the Council of his country’s position. I read the man’s statement and no wonder why the president of the Council did not invite the man to the table to unleash his diatribe about injustice of this and injustice of that since time memorial against the Iranian nation!

Folks — if there is no debate on an issue, or the Iranian rep had not been heard from before, there is no reason for the Iranian representative to be addressing the Council, unless there is some comity and courtesy, both of which is lacking when it comes to Iran because Mighty Mouse has been hurling nothing but ballistic bilakhs at the international community for almost a year now! 

Let’s face it — the Lebanon situation has not helped: The crisis has driven home the irrelevance of the UN Secretary-General and impotence/incompetence of the Security Council. The only thing this Council could in the last few days do was to pass a masturbatory measure over Iran just to say that it still has some mojo!

I wonder what if the UN resolution has simply stated “We look forward to Iran’s response to Perm 5 +1 package of incentives on August 22 as announced by Tehran.” This would have put Iran on the spot against its own deadline, while considering that an Iranian reply on or about the anniversary of 28 Mordad would have borne some necessary symbolism for Tehran and the USA. Now we will never know, because the vulgar American and his slithery sidekick the fork-tongued, gap-toothed Condi-lizard Rice chose to engage in an act of unnecessary and premature ejaculation on the floor of the Council! John “the shag dog” Bolton is lapping up the floor of the Council clean and loving every drop of it.

By the time these jokers in DC achieve anything with IRI it will be to prevent an uprising on the West Bank by the Arabs there and in Cairo and Damascus and Amman who suddenly find themselves looking less manly than the Eye-ranians!!!!

Guive Mirfendereski is a professorial lecturer in international relations and law and is the principal artisan at Born in Tehran in 1952, he is a graduate of Georgetown University's College of Arts and Sciences (BA), Tufts University's Fletcher School (PhD, MALD, MA) and Boston College Law School (JD). He is the author of A Diplomatic History of the Caspian Sea >>> Features in

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