Bismillah Rahman Raheem. For those of you who don’t habla Arabic, that’s Arabic for what’s happenin’, niggas. Arabic is the language I dropped my greatest hits in, but you all know me more as a Persian poet, which I only did to get laid (it worked, all the time). For reals though, I decided to write this jewel in English cause most of you so-called Shi’ites don’t even speak Persian, much less Arabic. I also decided to write in English because I got to inform the white people, who are the only record-keepers worth keeping informed these days. I came back because my buddies told me how helpless my people had become, so at this point, I’m gonna drop some knowledge. I don’t have to be all poetic and shit because I’m already top 5, so I am just gonna tell you some shit straight up.
First of all, newsflash — Persians don’t exist. What’s with all these fruits in Cali saying Persian this, Persian that? I’m one of the most famous Persians ever and I’m not even Persian. Wanna know why? Cause I said so, and I’m Omar Khayyam, bitches. As those ‘in the know’ are aware, some Persians got on a boat and went to India to wear saris and bindis and shit when things got tough back in the 600’s. However, most Persians got their asses kicked from Marathon to Qadisiyya to Nahavand, then got several hot injections of khareji lovin’ — the result is called Iranian.
Some of you look kinda Chinese and shit too — props to Genghis Khan and shit… so basically, from Mecca to Ulaan Bataar, everyone has humped up in the Iranian plateau. I think I even saw R. Kelly there last week, eyeing some fourteen year-old hafez in Qom. So that’s my first point — stop calling yourselves some shit that don’t exist, alright? No amount of Facebook groups or crappy youth magazines is gonna change that. Earth to NYLA: the Shah is DEAD. His son makes a big deal out of wearing a Casio watch but is a loser, just like his dead father, so save a tree and don’t interview him.
Second point — guys, stop shitting on Arabs and then trying to be like them. These days, I see more Persian Princesses at Shisha bars than white girls at salsa clubs. That’s today — it’s the same in history. You all bitch about susmar khors and daughter-killing, then beat yourselves in the chest like a bunch of gorillas going apeshit and cut your heads open for (drumroll) Hossein, one of the biggest susmar khors ever to take the world stage. It’s pronounced “Hhhhhhossein” by the way; at least learn the proper pronunciation while you’re trying to claim the religion and half the culture.
Now we’re gonna do some analysis. What is this big deal about Hossein anyway? Yazid schooled his ass. Hossein was like, “I’m thirsty, please give me some water.” And Yazid went Sir Chop-a-Lot on his ass. I would argue that the big Hoser (much like his followers) was not all that. So he got his head chopped off — but truth be told, anyone can go to Karbala these days and get decapitated, know what I’m sayin’? Ain’t no thang. They’re choppin’ heads over there like it’s going out of style. Dude … maybe if he had actually done something besides getting killed like a biiiatch, he’d get more respect from the rest of the Muslims. But if you guys want to worship him, it’s cool — but it’s not special, ok? Wanna talk about some Real struggle? You ever try to find a 900 square foot, two bedroom apartment with no broker’s fee in the tri-state area at the end of the summer? Apartment jihad — now THAT is some gangster shit.
You people need to stop taking it so seriously; I think this religion stuff has really gotten out of hand. Back in the day, Iranians were nominally Sunni, Sufi or, like me, just did to get paid. Personally, I think you all went Shi’ite for two reasons: one, cause some Turkish (wtf??) dude told you to do it, and two, cause you like to complain and argue so much. Ijtihad? That’s just the Iranian way of negotiating till you get what you want. Ayatollah Ali al-Argument, listen to him, he can talk about how to wipe your ass after fucking a goat. That’s all Iranians ever do is talk, talk, talk everyone into resignation. Fuck. Don’t think that it’s a big accomplishment. “Can I get someting for noting? Vat do you mean dere is no free sample? Vhy not, Kazem and Nasrin got deirs for free.”
Ya Allah, it’s depressing enough to make me want to pray, sort of. In a way, a guy like bin Laden can regret the fact that the Mohammedans put the smack down on the Persians all those years ago. Sure they got land, and harems full of women, C to the izzash, and credit for the science and culture, but they also got a handful of the most obnoxious, ungrateful, melodramatic semi-Muslims ever to cavort on planet Earth. Just like yours truly. Fact — Iranians never really even believed in Islam — all wine drinking, Sufi bong-smoking, free love semi-gay, partying with the saghis and shit. Khomeini read the wrong books.
But what’s funny is how ashamed everyone has become since this dude Osama popped up. He’s just trying to be a rebel, that’s all. A rich kid tries to reinvent himself, and all of a sudden everyone is jumping off the Muslim bandwagon. Why? After all, boys will be boys. Now, half of you claim Zoroaster’s dead-ass religion, wearing gold chains with the medallion of the guy with the jeri curl flying around in some Space Age birdcage lost in a valley of silicon cleavage. Zoroaster didn’t think too much of women either, at least his mobeds didn’t. Dirty thoughts, dirty deeds, nice tooters. That’s a tanka, or a haiku, or some shit. I shall consult Wikipedia and try again —
The wind blows on your chest
Whoosh! Shivering jeri curls
This just in — according to my quadratic calculations, 60 percent of Iranian guys are on some homoerotic shit. Now, that was ok in my day, but we did it proudly and soberly, at times. But not at Saghifest 1088 — now that was AMAZING. Nowadays, you got all these FOBS, listening to techno music with the Cher voice, getting all touchy and rubbing stubble when they get drunk, acting like little girls … they see guys, and then they put their arms around each other, grabassing like they were in a wrestling team locker room. But why fight it? Iranian guys sure love their wrestling, and it’s not like they can celebrate in the locker room after playing soccer.
On the female side of things, half of all ‘Persian’ girls are currently unhappy, either nose-jobbin’ it, putting blond streaks in their hair, deliberating on much money they want their future husbands to make, ‘not having sex’ or ‘waiting until they get married’. I am still researching why it is that they dress like they are going to Señor Frog’s seven days a week, 365 a year, but then act like they’ve seen a ghost when you even hint at having sex with them. “Holy hymen reconstruction! Not me!” It’s true, I have ‘loved’ with so many of these crazy girls. Ladies, if you’re not gonna be normal about it, put the hejab back on–I would take a slutty girl over any of you, any day.
More facts… Iranians have been getting off really easy since 9-11, know what I’m sayin’? Quite the opportunists, acting all patriotic and shit, sporting American flag underwear, while a Javad becomes a Jim and a Vahid becomes a Vito, all red, white, and blue, ‘I’m American too, I love Bush, he’s a real man.’ In the same breath, I see Iranians complain to anyone who will listen about the one time they got stopped at the security checkpoint at the airport, or the time when someone spoke to them in Spanish at the supermarket, how they marched on the Federal Building in Westwood.
Let me tell you — it’s gotta be a lot harder to be a Mexican these days, or a Sunni. They outnumber your asses at Guantanamo like 5 to 1. They pray more than you, and have got the American army in two of their countries. Big ups to the Stan and all my wacky Iraqis. Hold onto your pants and save me a seat at the afterparty. Moktada! In the meantime, get your asses down to Vegas. Kids are betting on regime change 2 to 1 … it’s good money, unless you know something I don’t — but you don’t, because I’m Omar Khayyam, and you’re not.
About The Badder Brigade is a brigade of truth, enlightenment, and aggressive posturing. And love. The Badder Brigade does not opine; it presents facts, objective analyses, and frequent brilliance. It features peer-reviewed scholarship and commentary from important people with important views to share. The writers of the Badder Brigade will under no circumstances respond to emails, whether from sympathetic readers or outraged moralists, frankly because they do not have the time or patience to do so. Finally, the Badder Brigade has absolutely no relation to the Badr Brigade, other than a mutual fondness for the term 'brigade', and possibly 'brigadier'.