Peyvand Khorsandi: Hello professor. Do you like picnics?
Hamid Dabashi: Fanon was right. Any attack on Iran by the United States must be blamed squarely on Azar Nafisi, author of that infamous pedophile’s handbook, Bonking Lolita In Tehran.
PK: I’m not sure you heard my question.
HD: The author of BLT is a shameless mouthpiece for Washington’s imperial designs on the Middle East.
PK: Did Fanon like picnics?
HD: The scholar Chubbington Stanley correctly identifies Nafisi as the key cause of US intervention in Vietnam in the 1960s and Latin America in the 1970s. This literary harlot, who styles herself as a modern-day Scheherezade, spends her days cleaning the boots of her paymaster, Paul Wolfowitz and nourishing the pedophilic urges of the aging Orientalist Bernard Lewis, with her words.
PK: Does Bernard Lewis like picnics?
HD: Nafisi is the Lynndie England of Abu Ghraib dressed up as the simple, everyday comprador intellectual you might meet in the supermarket. Lewis apparently “opened a door” for her, an Aladdin’s cave, long colonized by the US.
PK: With respect professor, you’re dodging the question. Does Aladdin like picnics?
HD: It’s very simple: Nafisi wants oil, she craves it as much as she craves the blood of the native on whom she feasts with Wolfowitz. It was she who penetrated the book trade with a neo-con phallus (erected by the despicable coterie of Neocons she works for — read neo-coons for that is what, as Fanon observed, Nafisi is, backed as she is by nefarious institutions such as the Society of Irish American Leprechauns and Bagels R Us). Her doing so confirms her leading position among other female writers of her ilk, such as Roya Hakkakian and Amir Taheri.
PK: For the purposes of this interview I am going to assume that you don’t like picnics. But if you were to go to one what would you pack?
HD: Nafisi’s disregard for post-colonial theory in analysing such racist texts as The Great Gatsby and Mein Kampf demonstrates her pen’s prostitution to the white literary establishment. She holds the key to the harem of that is the East, surrounded by the scent of incense, belly-dancing for the Christian right, charming snakes – O rose thou art sick! (Or am I sexist?)
PK: The thought had crossed my mind. Iranians like picnics. Is it true we invented them?
HD: Nietzsche’s assertion that ‘God is Dead’ provides ample proof that Nafisi was commissioned by the neo-cons to promote pedophilia in the Orient. As the renowned pre-post-colonial scholar Ali K. Khol predicted in 1897, “Nafisi is a servile writer responsible not only for the CIA-backed coup against Mossadegh, but also the Iran-Iraq war and the bombing of Falluja.”
PK: Do you think she killed Diana?
HD: That is conjecture, illiterate. I can read. You need look no further than Bonking Lolita in Tehran’s cover to witness the pits to which she has descended: the most debased image of the Orient since the Samuel Bartholomew’s famous oil “Coon, nude in Istanbul Harem” (1865); the best example of this woman’s single-handed rape of the East.
PK: The two girls wearing chadors? Surely they liked picnics.
HD: At first sight we see two Iranian-looking girls who appear to be “reading something”. Closer inspection will reveal, however, as Roland Barthes connoted in 1567, an invitation to “bonk them silly.” This shameless pandering to the pedophilic subconscious rampant in each and every one of us, suggests they are observing a phallus.
PK: A phallus? Like a…
HD: A cock.
HD: BLT is a book full of fallacy. Nafisi, the pornographer, lends her authority as a native to the most obscene form of white racism since slavery when she pins blame for what the Islamic Republic is doing to Iran on anyone but the US government.
PK: You know what, I don’t think you like picnics.
HD: Nafisi fails to catalogue Iranian history, the crimes of the Shah, the gamut of culture, all of Iran’s poetry, the films of the Islamic Republic's treasured cinema directors, none of whom, of course, are obsessed with children or connected to shady figures in power.
PK: Ah, but do they like…
HD: Instead she focuses on her perverted experience of psycho-sexually abusing her students in Tehran by sharing with them her reading of the literature of the West – from her point of view. Hang her.
[Er, that’s enough picnics –ed]