It is with a great sadness that I have to announce the passing away of the last Aryan living in Iran.
Professor Zoobin Atash-band passed away in his house of natural causes. He was 103 years old. Never married and with no living relatives the late Professor Atash-band was known to be the last Aryan living in Iran. I had the rare privilege to meet with him at a coffee shop near his residence about three weeks ago discussing a variety of subjects. Professor Atash-band was a scientist in fields of nuclear physics and applied mathematics. Below are some of the questions I asked and his responses:
Jeesh: Dr. Atash-band, I am honored that you gave me this opportunity to sit with you and carry this interview. Could you please explain how was it determined that you are the last Aryan living in Iran?
Dr. Atash-band: Besmellae’ Rahmane’ Raheem (In the name of God the compassionate the merciful) There has been many researches done in the area of anthropology and genetics and system of DNA and gene sequencing using nuclear technology that lead to the scientific conclusion that the Aryan gene was literally wiped out of Iran centuries ago. There were however few exceptions with small pockets of survival and such were in the case of those Aryan families who were isolated in mountains in Iran and did not marry out of their immediate relatives. My family and ancestors were among those.
Jeesh: But I am puzzled because many Iranians are constantly and assertively bragging that they are Aryans and the blood of Aryans runs through their veins and they despise any impurity in their genes, yet you are identified to be the last Aryans in Iran, how so?
Dr. Atash-band: Well, I am aware of this false pride among Iranians. Whether they like it or not 45% of Iranians have Mongol’s blood running in their body and there are 50% with Arab genes. The remaining 5% are thought to be a mixture of Greeks and Romans and Armenians and some Assyrians commingled with Arab blood. But there is no such thing as “pure” in anyone’s genetic link. The issue of Aryan blood was a propaganda created during the Pahlavi era by the British to instigate a false sense of superiority and as a counter balance against religious uprisings. But when the time came in 1979 the British used the same false pride and pushed Iran into theocratic despotism.
Decades earlier the British used the same methods in India to create an alliance with the “caste system” for political manipulations. Today many Iranians mostly the ones in Los Angeles and quite a few in northern part of Tehran consider themselves as pure Aryans and potentially the saviors of the land of Aryans. They tend to dye their hair blonde and despise Arabs, and black Mercedes Benz with black interior is the only car they would drive. Among their peculiar habits are eating raw onions with their lunch and dinner and never be on time for an appointment. Thus they have created a subspecies of the lunatic Iranians (Persicus lunaticus) unique on their own. They have myopia of seeing themselves to have blonde hair and blue eyes. They use a lot of perfumes and cologne to disguise their own natural odors.
Jeesh: I hope you don’t mind me asking this question Sir, but I noticed you have a dark complex and dark hair and black eyes. Many Iranians think that Aryans were all white skinned with blonde and blue eyes, so what happened?
Dr. Atash-band: First I should borrow a phrase from my maternal grandfather who would have said: “to kooneh annabeeshoon khandeedan.” This is another one of those misunderstandings which in the field of philosophy is referred to as (Kosseh-Sher), what blonde? What blue eyes? In true sense of human morphology most Aryans resembled Mr. Ahmadi-Nejad (the current President) even 10,000 years ago. Of course there were exceptions and mutations and genetic aberration and as the result there were some light skinned folks among Aryans but the majority looked like the President -scientifically a feature that was frozen in time and was unaffected by evolutionary forces, with all due respect to the President of course.
Jeesh: Do you have any example or proof of your assessment about the Aryans’ morphology and their most dominant features?
Dr. Atash-band: Of course I have proofs and as we say in Persian (ma keh shoma-ro jayeh bad nemeebareem). The prime examples are the carved stone reliefs at Persepolis and other Assyrians and Achamedian ruins. There you can clearly see bearded faces and big noses that at best they look like Mr. Ahmadi-Nejad, none seem to be blonde, none with blue eyes or light skin. This fallacy and racial paranoia embedded in many Iranians’ psyche by the British is similar to the Christian world that thinks Jesus Christ (peace upon him) had European features as depicted in many drawings we see around the world today. But in reality Jesus most likely resembled Yasser Arafat with similar features than the Anglo-Saxon depictions that we see in many books and posters.
Jeesh: Without meaning to press you with this question, could you tell me that as an Aryan and in particular the last Aryan living in Iran, do you feel and is there any special privilege or something that you can be proud of beyond and above other Iranians in form of a gift, an asset not held by others or any such feelings?
Dr. Atash-band: Not at all, for a while perhaps I was wondering about my differences with others if any, but later I realized that I am no better or worse than my other fellow man, they might be dreaming to be like me, but I know there isn’t anything particularly extraordinary about the Aryans with the exception of excessive facial hair in women and bigger nose that incidentally all other genetic mixes in Iran are also blessed with. So in reality there is nothing that can make me or my genes any better or worse than the genes of an Arab or a Greek and that is what I have learned in my 103 years of age.
Jeesh: I also thought that Aryans were all Zoroastrians, but how come you are a Muslim?
Dr. Atash-band: Not necessarily, Aryans were very diverse in their thinking, many were indeed Zoroastrians but then scores of tribes of Aryans worshiped goat testicles, pig ears and beef jerky. There was also a small tribe near Ghazvin and Hammadan that its people worshiped donkey dick. After the invasion of Iran by the Arabs most Iranians were converted by force and quite a few willfully but under duress into Islam. Nothing really changed much, except women lost most of their civil rights which was respected under the Sassanid Empire. Men initiated polygamy and beards and mustaches became longer and more monstrous. The Sassanid Dynasty at the end was quite corrupt, weak and vulnerable; the royal court was heavily involved with opium trade between Indus valley and Macedonia. All those factors prepared the ground for a foreign invasion.
I chose Islam because it was convenient and I needed to get my food rationing coupons. If you are close to a church you might as well be a Christian if you want to, but religion does not need any icons and most importantly religion does not need any intermediary between man and god, so in my opinion Priests, Mullahs and Rabbis are more of a burden in mankind’s progress and religion should be left entirely to one’s personal thirst desire and thrust for learning. Let’s put it this way, if you were as heavy and overweight as Buddha I assure you that you would also invent and advocate “meditation” -the idea of sitting on your ass all day and doing nothing, but that’s because he was so obese. What else do you expect from a 300 kilogram man? So now it is fashionable that when people become so rich that have nothing else to do, they take a trip to India to sit on their butts for a while and find their “inner child”. They get bored and after a few bouts of diarrhea go back to their homeland and all they have learned is to bring their palms together and bow their head forward to imply “I was in India and now I am close to my Karma” But inside they are more concerned about their investments and option trades in commodities and level of their Cholestrol.
If Islamic countries didn’t have oil then Islam would be as darling as Buddhism in the west. Religion is the tool of manipulation. Take a look at so many folks that have no idea where Mobile Alabama is but they advocate “Free Tibet” on their bumper stickers! Why? Because they want to create a station to interfere with Chinese affairs! Free Tibet may ass! Why don’t you free Louisiana first? Another thing that makes you entertained during retirement is that every Chinese restaurant has the word “Empire” in its name: Hunan Empire, Ming Empire, and Bamboo Empire! What happened? Did all their royal families go to foreign lands to open Chinese restaurants?
Jeesh: What were the consequences of the corruptions during the Sassanid Dynasty?
Dr. Atash-band: Educated elites used to run away to foreign lands and offered their services abroad. Iran of 500 A.D. had a large brain drain thanks to the corrupt and despotic royal court. Incidentally today’s Iran has the highest brain drain of anytime in our history. So it appears that no matter if we have monarchy or cleric rules we tend towards self destruction. Close to 10,000 college graduates leave Iran each year to never return. Some of them are gays and lesbians in search of Nirvana and some are vegetarians.
Jeesh: You are a nuclear physicist and understand the values and dangers of nuclear industries. In your opinion where is Iran leading its nuclear research, and will they make a bomb, will they use it?
Dr. Atash-band: Mankind has always been trying to disarm its adversaries. Iran of today is ruled by a government that is despised by many other governments although all of them were instrumental for its installation. The entire issue surrounds oil. Someday this theocracy will collapse, someday all of us will die, but the nature of man will remain the same. Mankind contemplates war all the time. It prepares itself for wars that might never come. Those who do not prepare themselves will end up to be broken down. Iran must get access to as much nuclear energy that all of its neighbors happily purchase the surplus. If this happens no matter how many bombs Iran builds it most likely will never be used, because Iran will become a huge power in the region. A strong Iran is good for all of our Arab and non-Arab neighbors. A strong Iran will tilt the balance of power back to the West Asia, but until that day arrives Iran needs to make sure it is capable of building as many bombs that it can reasonably afford to, power comes in two ways -by the force of a sword or monetary power as the Persian poem says:
Beh do cheese geerand mar mamlekat ra
Yekee parnianee degar zafaranee
I borrow this phrase from an American slogan that “when guns are outlawed only the outlaws will carry the gun” and that is the case today for those nations that have the bomb but want to prevent Iran to have access to it. So far they are the outlaws and Iran only wants to join the club. I think the best is that Iran builds so many bombs that in front of every high school, public restrooms and government office there stand a nuclear launching silo. The very moment any country wants to interfere with our domestic affairs we unzip the bomb and unleash the beast. I assure you they will not call it “The Gulf” anymore and will use the correct “Persian Gulf” from then on. This interaction that I call equilibrium in insanity “Tavazone dar Jonoon” will most likely assure peace and tranquility among the mankind, but short of that if you snooze you lose and your ass will be on the grass, so to speak.
Jeesh: Very interesting analogy and profound. I don’t mean to change the subject but could you tell me what happened to those tribes around Ghazvin and Hammadan that worshiped donkey dick?
Dr. Atash-band: I knew you would ask! It appears that you have a gutter brain just like me (laughter). Well, after introduction of Islam and during the very first few weeks Arabs hung many of them by their testicles from fig trees. Legends have it that the fig trees were so saddened by the Arabs’ savagery that they started producing fruits with many seeds and resembling the testicles of the victims (Ficus testiculus tomentosa). The remaining men and women succumbed to obedience and converted and gave up worshiping donkey dick. However they secretly started the practice of worshiping donkey’s ass, and that is why even till today anyone going to Ghazvin and Hammadan is quite self-conscious and vigilant on guarding their ass and their assets. Many British historians spent a lot of unnecessary time in Ghazvin under the auspices of Quajar Dynasty conducting research and experimentation and scores of books written on the subject. Most returned home with a few Persian rugs and venereal diseases. You can read more about the subject in an old text available at the Library of Congress as well as in Iran’s National Library called “Setayesh va Parastesheh Kireh Khar dar Iraneh Kohan” or search for the title in English: “Admiration & Worship of Donkey Dick in Ancient Iran”. The author(s) remains unknown, and it can be scholary work of many historians. Jeesh: Considering the current events in the world, what would be your message to Iranians inside and outside of Iran?
Dr. Atash-band: My message is to challenge the theocracy by force of reason and not by reliance on opium and poetry of Rumi and push forward for a free Iran. Don’t linger in the past glory and yesterday’s darlings. The more you rely on blood of Aryans in your veins the more you alienate yourself from what you really are today. One of my professors used to say “never eat yellow snow.” Jeesh: Professor Atash-band, I am grateful for this interview opportunity and the honor of listening to your words. I will be looking forward in meeting with you again to discuss other interesting subjects. Thank you Sir. And with that said we went our ways and this was the last time I saw the late Professor Zoobin Atash-band, the last of Aryans living in Iran, the very last one.