Is it that I have too much free time, or is it that my brain cells are composing too much stuff too quickly, or is it that my brain has nothing better to do? For those who are curious I need to say that I am not unemployed and I have my own businesses but I attend no business or job personally, full-time, and that is probably the main reason behind I being able to write a bit too many articles for Iranian.com. Anyway, I just saw that there are a lot of people who want monarchy for Iran.
I think, being quite a pragmatic person (I think that about myself, as a pragmatic liberal), Iran is best with an Islamic moderate democracy, or a sort, at least for now. I mean it is best for Iran to work on its semi-democracy for now, improve its foreign relations, improve its human-rights stuff, improve its economic policies, and become some sort of a reasonable Islamic democracy, as the Iranian people wanted to replace the Shahanshahi regime. Iran is not prepared for a serious secular democracy. Not even in three or four decades to come. That’s my belief.
However I have a serious proposition for the monarchists. Let’s have a monarchy! But who’s going to be the monarch? It’s such a tough job. All those tens of millions of subjects! All those shiny expensive things you actually don’t really own, but you can use. All the admiration, and hate, you receive. All the decisions you need to make, because your subjects are either too stupid to think for themselves or too lazy to assume the thinking, or too afraid to assume the responsibilities for their decisions! All these subjects you need to PRETEND ruling over! All the palaces you need to remember to visit once in a while so that the servants don’t start taking them over as their own vacation resorts. All the oil revenue you need to share among your ass-kissing Iranian entourage that inevitably surround any significant decision-maker, while being careful there is something left for the less fortunate mass of subjects that have not had the chance to join the ass-kisser circle! And of course, keeping hold of the security service, or militia of some sort, to intimidate, torture and kill those who badly hate you! That is a very tough job. Who would assume some terrible job like this?
Don’t look any further! I am the only candidate out there! I am accepting the role of monarch, and just like Cyrus THE GREAT who wrote his Charter of Human Rights for his blessed subjects, I have prepared my own. I am presenting this Charter of Human Rights to you, so you can elect me as your tyrant… no, shit (that wasn’t for you)… beloved king:
1) I announce that I will respect the traditions, customs and religions of the nations of my empire and never let any of my governors and subordinates look down on or insult them until I am alive (I will only let the security service, or personal militia, do all that while pretending to know nothing).
2) From now on, till GOD (instead of Ahura Mazda) grants me the kingdom favor, I will impose my monarchy on no nation (sure, everybody loves me, how can they dare not? :p ).
3) Each is free to accept it, and if any one of them rejects it, I never resolve on war to reign (Did anybody reject? How can somebody be so STUPID? I, and my forefathers, have already resolved to war and there is nobody left… oh, no, sorrry, that was Cyrus talking, not me).
4) As long as I am the king of Iran, I never let anyone oppress any others, and if it occurs, I will take his or her rights back and penalize the oppressor (I don’t like competition).
5) And as long as I am the monarch, I will never let anyone take possession of movable and landed properties of the others by force or without compensation (I HATE competition).
6) As long as I am alive, I prevent unpaid, forced labor (I only collect taxes. Did I mention that I don’t let anybody else collect taxes on their own?).
7) Today, I announce that everyone is free to choose a religion (Hmm… I think I need to think this through, seems a bit out of date).
8) People are free to live in all regions and take up a job provided that they never violate other’s rights (Did I mention taxes? Pay your taxes!).
9) No one could be penalized for his or her relatives’ faults. I prevent slavery and my governors and subordinates are obliged to prohibit exchanging men and women as slaves within their own ruling domains. Such a traditions should be exterminated the world over (Now this is something really philosophical and nice, but I’m not so sure my security forces, or militia, will concur).
10) I implore to God to make me succeed in fulfilling my obligations to the nations of Iran (Good ending, God loves me too!).
By the way, I also promise not to spend too much, be a reasonable king, and have just five or so palaces. Is that too much? Can I have a harem, or I need to settle for one queen only? Well, I can probably live with having only one queen anyway.
P.S. The above 10 points are an edited version of the Charter of Human Rights of Cyrus II of Persia, which were found inscripted on a stone cylinder, found in 1879 by a British archaeologist in present-day Iraq. This is supposed to be funny, so in case I’m not funny, just think about my proposition 🙂