Recursions and resignations

You said, “I’ll come back.”
As the train was snarling and hissing
At first refusing to budge
Then abruptly yanking you away
And you waved and shouted,
“See you later, see you later.”

Then fall resurrected smiled in all colors
And the leaves danced and fell, and danced and fell
Until the trees had no leaves
And it rained and it rained
Until the sky had no rains
And it snowed and snowed
Until the winter had no snows
And later followed another later
Until time had no laters left
I cuddled with your promise night after night
And it grew older and older in my arms
But, you didn’t come back
Have you forgotten,
That you didn’t come back?

But the sun did come back
And the moon did come back
Though not without fail
And the wind did come back
In a rush just to say goodbye
Before even saying hello.
Hastening to its lover
The breast of the forest.

My house with big glass windows
Dancing with spring
When we danced in the spring
And dancing with autumn
When we danced in the autumn
And now the house is so sad
It won’t dance with the winter
And it feels so empty
Even though it brims
With the poems, music, flowers and fruits you love
And it brims
With memories that like me.

Your wine-soaking words?
“I want to change so much about you
But then you won’t be you.”
And I said, “I’ve tried to do the same
But I am still the same!”
And now I feel the presence of the fickle wind–
The lightest spirit that I could never see–
Whirling around what used to be our bed
Looking for you and me together
Looking with borrowed eyes–
My eyes.

I am still waiting
For another later to bring you to me
I am waiting for you
As my senses dread what is happening to them
I hear the colors you wore
I taste the figures you posed
I see the song you sang
I touch the thoughts you thought
I imagine
God begging for my forgiveness
And I am frightened by the onset of Synesthesia
Putting my senses in a blender
Mixing them up
While I am waiting for you
While I am waiting for you
What if you do return and I fail to recognize you
Or you fail to recognize me?

The words I don’t remember when I heard them first
Pile upon the words I don’t remember when I heard them first
And so I don’t remember when I heard the word love first
Or felt love first
But I do remember when
I told you first that I love you
Because this love-word remind me
To remember it all the time.

I don’t remember when I forget a word or a name
And which word I forget first, or last
Why I forget
How I forget
And why I can’t forget
When I try so hard to forget
A piece of reality
Or a haunting memory.

I don’t remember when I saw the sun first
Or when I noted the moon’s sexy walk
Or first heard the canaries’ love songs
Or tasted honey first
But I do remember when I tasted your lips first
And, on their own, my lips remember,
When they tasted your lips first
When they tasted the sugary-fire of your kiss.

And the sweet future
I try to remember
And the bitter past
I try to forget
Ignore my intent
As your promise lies ahead still
Lies open for me in the future
The way you were open for me once.

Now my one-sided love is riding a drunken storm
To where miniature shadows scream
As they are swallowed by the giant nights
Where boundaries are lost
Even on God’s map.

Yes, I must go
Go to my final home
With no grass to mow
No mail to collect
No roofs to repair
No walls, no doors, and no keys
And no monkey chores pounding inside my head
Asking for attention everyday
Where the word no rules over nothing
Unlike life where the word no rules
Over everything.

I know the word no so well
I heard it all my life
And you shouted the loudest “no” to me.
Yet it was as soundless
As twice-dead whisper.
But your no is so real to me
And so I raise a white flag
And say to reality
You sonofabitch
You win!

I know death is a river
That carries not even a drop of no
And so the dead hear not even one no
No the voice-less word of death
No the only note played in the symphony of death.

The sun and moon will caress
My new home lightly
The autumn-tinged teardrops will fall
And wash it gently
As a mother washes her baby
And the winter will cover it lovingly
With milky feathery down
But the wind will rush by
Like you rushed by
Saying, “See you later.”
But I will not hear the wind
And will not see the wind
As if I was alive.

Manoucher Parvin, a polymath, has published novels, poems, short stories, and numerous works in various fields of sciences, engineering and chess. His forth novel entitled: Alethophobia (fear of truth) is just published. This novel explores the relationship between knowledge and freedom and it shatters the myth of academic freedom in US. It is based on a real story. The above poem will appear in a collection of poems called cosmological accent. Any translation quotation without written permission of the author is prohibited.

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