Hillary, Rudy, Barack or Mitt?

Well it’s that time of the decade again, as American (and some actual Iranians!) get ready to go to the poll and pick the usual lesser of two evils, namely the top choices as selected, trimmed, butterflyed, and broiled to medium rare perfection (including drawn butter), by the powers that be, or the Democratic and Republican party wonks. (Hey, how does one go about becoming a wonk?)

It’s never the Ron Pauls, or the Kucinich ilk that ever get to the top, to try out some of their increasingly brilliant sounding progressive ideas. Here are some of the better ones that will never materialize. I know it’s cruel, but I think it is important for us to know what we will be missing so that when we get stuck with whomever we get stuck with, we can wallow in even more self pity, and pointless “I told you so…” ‘s. To really bang home that sense of “too little too late” when we had the opportunity to get behind the right candidate. Remember we’re Iranian, we like our cynicism Extreeeeeme!

Dennis Kucinich: (Democrat from Ohio)

“It is fear which leads us to war, … It is fear which leads us to believe that we must kill or be killed. Fear which leads us to attack those who have not attacked us. Fear which leads us to ring our nation in the very heavens with weapons of mass destruction.”

“Iran has worked with the United States after 9/11. I don’t understand why this administration is, once again, leading us towards a war. We need this administration not only to tone down its rhetoric, but stop this belief that somehow the United States should be the policeman of the world,”

“I am running for president of the United States to end the United States occupation of Iraq, and put an end to the lies that brought us into Iraq, … To help make this country whole again in the world community, and to challenge those lies, which if left unchallenged, will cause this administration to lead this country towards another war.”

Plus he has some equally good ones about the economy and social issues.

Ron Paul: (Republican from Texas. I know! Texas!)

“The obligations of our representatives in Washington are to protect our liberty, not coddle the world, precipitating no-win wars, while bringing bankruptcy and economic turmoil to our people.”

“Everyone assumes America must play the leading role in crafting some settlement or compromise between the Israelis and the Palestinians. But Jefferson, Madison, and Washington explicitly warned against involving ourselves in foreign conflicts.”

“Setting a good example is a far better way to spread ideals than through force of arms.”

“I am just absolutely convinced that the best formula for giving us peace and preserving the American way of life is freedom, limited government, and minding our own business overseas. “

Just so we all know who we are forgoing.

In the Democrat camp, the battle seems to be firmly under control of the Hillary campaign which has thus far not only done nothing spectacular to silence the hard-on-her-heels Obama campaign. But somehow the Obama campaign as gone suddenly silent as far as attacking Hillary on any number of huge opportunities, but is still managing to bring in huge sums of money from the internet, and a rather effective grass roots building campaign. The brilliant fundraising and awareness policy of “House Parties” that are specifically absent of any company or corporate sponsorship has been a huge success for the Obama campaign, filling it’s coffers only slightly as full as the Hillary campaign fills it’s own with donations from unions and the usual corporate and lobbying suspects. These campaigns have been so effective at raising money, that you’d almost think they were working together. But wait for my conspiracy analysis at the end.

In the Republican camp it’s an all out winner take all massacre. Front run-runner Rudi Giuliani the former mayor of New York and advertised hero of 911, is sweeping up Lincoln bedroom promises and contracting favors as if he’s 20 years younger and running for City Councilman for the Borough of Brooklyn. No one but Rudi could be on YouTube in drag coming on to Donald Trump (and it doesn’t look fake), and still be the front runner of the Republican party.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have Mitt Romney, the Massachusetts Utahn, who looks every bit the perfect poster child of a successful venture capitalist and self made businessman and presidential candidate, except for the one teensey weensey fact, which is that he also happens to believe that the 10 lost tribes of Israel (or 12) will eventually be reunited in a place called New Jerusalem, to be resurrected and located on the American continent, and that his underwear has magic properties. Other than that and his still unclear position on abortion, he’s stellar!

OK now for the conspiracy theory and predictions. Mine is that the deal has already been made between Hillary and Obama and that the young senator from Illinois, faced with the undeniable fact that many blacks simply won’t vote for him for some seemingly racist reason, and that his lack of experience has people talking fondly about Dan Quayle, will be Hillary’s eventual running mate. That sweeps number 1 and number 2 nicely into a neat [rain]bow assuring maximum coverage. Plus all the money collected from both, now funnels into one final uber-ticket giving the Democrats a huge financial advantage going into the final run. Too close to the election, the Republicans will still be undecided between Giuliani and Romney which will split the party into 2 (or 3) factions who out of spite for the other side will fracture an already reeling party, thus giving the slim advantage and margin to the Hillary/Obama who will win. Unfortunately, shortly after the inauguration of Clinton 2.0, Pelosi will yet again mis-engineer the Democratic hold on Congress, giving power firmly back to the Republicans who will proceed to make life a living hell for Hillary’s presidency. Or business as usual.

What is the basis for my profound punditry? If I knew that I wouldn’t be writing this blog on a urine scented BART train going to work. But I’ll gamble a riddle and ask you the same question. Who do you think will win and why? That and how do you think the next President will react to Iran?

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