For the thousand and one-th time (get it?), I have been in the same position I bet many of you have been in, namely having to explain “The Situation”, or how Iran works (or doesn’t), to American friends.
To avoid explaining it for the 1001th night (get it?), I will reiterate what I hope explains it once and for all, so we can all get on with it. Whatever “It” is.
I am seriously doubtful that either the US or Iran has the actual intelligence (IQ not spying capacity) to achieve any kind of relationship, peaceful or warlike. I swear, the next break in foreign policy between the 2 biggest nitwits of the international community will likely come when WalMart takes the meeting with that mullah-connected Iranian business mogul currently residing in Dubai.
So, for the last time (being), here’s a top 10 list you won’t see on Letterman, but things you need to know, so you won’t have to ask me all the time;
1) Ahmadinejad is not a real president.
He has absolutely no absolute power. Iranian voters voted for him out of patriotism and for lack of any other approved candidates, in a system they haven’t yet figured out is rigged. Kind of like here. But not to worry, he can’t fix a parking ticket without the Supreme Leader’s official wink. It’s kind of like Star Wars, the Emperor pulls Lord Vader’s strings, except in this case, Vader is really a short Force (and wit) less Wookie. They don’t let him near ANY sharp policy making objects. Unlike Bush though, he can’t order the military to do a single blessed thing. He’s just loud, annoying, hilarious, and obnoxious whenever there’s Press around. Kind of like Harry Reid is, or Trent Lott used to be. Or for you children of the nineties, think Newt! Should you ever take anything he says seriously? Should CNN, Fox, MSNBC, or any University or the UN ever put a microphone or podium in front of him? Never.
2) The average Iranian is about as loyal to his or her government as the average American redneck.
We too, laugh at the incompetent hand of government as a parade of clowns. The average Iranian, like the average American, is more concerned with the immediate needs of their family and cash flow, than to worry about who’s on first. And just like Americans, attack Iranians unprovoked, and the Iranian people will rally around their tri-colored flag too. Homeland Security means the exact same thing over there, as it does here. Think about that slowly.
3) Iran is not normally a hardcore Moslem state.
Most of Iran’s history has been non-Moslem. Therefore to assume that all Iranians are born once, or born again Moslems and can quote sweepingly invalid Ghoranic passages or Islamic history for fun and prizes, is false. Most Iranians are about as Moslem as most Americans are Christian or Jewish. Meaning very little. Most Iranians don’t fast during the month of Ramazan, and if any do, most don’t lose any weight. Even though that’s not really the point. And those parades of self whipping, bloodied black shirted, bearded men you see on TV, is a staged religious event. There’s food and partying after the cameras are turned off.
4) If you are so proud to be Iranian, why are you here?
Most Iranians came to the US during the 1979 revolution or around 5 years before and 5 years after it. Honestly, most of us came to the US because either we weren’t smart enough (Ahem!) to get into the better than US universities in Iran, or we wanted the brand name of a US degree to go back to Iran and rake it in, or we came for political and personal freedom. Freedom was neither readily available under the Shah, nor is it today 30 years after a revolution that was funny enough, specifically advertised to gain freedom. So nothing has changed. In fact Iran and its people have never ever actually been free. So forgive us as we struggle with it for an eon or 2. There has always been some kind of oppressive rule. Some more, some less oppressive than others, but always the firm pressure of unjustified, illegitimate rule over our heads. Occasionally, the nipples and scrotum.
5) The people of Iran did not choose the Shah.
His father, Reza Shah or colonel Reza Khan Pahlavi took over out of frustration from the previous incompetent and corrupt Qajar dynasty, in one of those trendy early 20th century military coups. After WWII, the US arrested Reza Shah and accused him of Nazi sympathy, and banished him without trial to a small island off the coast of South Africa where he died. Then the newly formed office in the US intelligence section started playing with the idea of low cost covert regime change, and Operation Ajax (get it?), and chose his son the Shah to rule Iran so that the US could “clean” out the British (get it?) and secure preferential oil concessions for the US. They were pretty good at this version of the design, because if you look at our history, it’s mostly been kings. So to pick a Shah to rule Iran was not that far off of our historical record. The only problem was that the US chose to do it right at a time Iran had figured out how to “Quit Heath Ledger”, and switch from “Kingdom” to “Free Will” under Mossadegh. Mossadegh had this crazy idea to bring Jeffersonian democracy to Iran. The Shah, like his father Reza Shah, oppressed religious clerics as a fun hobby, and to modernize Iran. This put a (big) bug in Khomeini’s turban, which gave rise to today’s equally oppressive but Shiite rule in Iran, which has apparently given Osama Bin Laden the idea of creating a similar United Islamic/Arab Nation, albeit a Sunni version. OK that’s a stretch. But is it really?
6) Tehran has snow.
Yep, hard as it is to believe, Tehran’s climate pretty much matches Denver’s. Just without the Pine trees. Tehran has recorded an almost perfect record of white Christmases in a row. And they sell Christmas trees in the streets of Tehran all through the month of December and even into January when the Armenians in Iran celebrate the real Christmas. Camels? About the only thing Iranians know about camels, is that it is probably wise to walk them a lot, and if you have one, you will need a really big yard to keep them in, although your garden would likely be gorgeous.
7) Iran has Jews.
Second only to the US, the largest population of Jews outside Israel is believed to be in Iran. That being said, they understandably lay pretty low, and don’t brag about it too loudly. Iranian Jews however are more often prouder of being Iranian than Jewish or than other Iranians for that matter. Just go to an Iranian Batmitzvah if you don’t believe me. If that isn’t an Iranian wedding, I don’t know what is.
8) Iran and the US actually used to be great pals at one time.
Almost Brothers. Hard as it is to imagine today, and the whole misunderstanding of the hostage crisis not withstanding, at one time at it’s zenith, between 1977 and 1978, over 120,000 Americans lived happily and peacefully in Iran. Over 12,000 as permanent residents, who even owned property. They even smoked a little weed or hash, and could go out for a cocktail, pizza parlor, or the sinful pineapple parfait desserts, at “Chattanooga”, one of many top notch restaurants and nightclubs, serving flown in US Prime NY steak which went really well with the now extinct Jumbo Persian Gulf Shrimp, to take the edge of those “hard” 10-3 days at the office. There were baseball leagues in full swing (get it?) in Tehran. Yes, we had Tee-ball, Little, Minor, Major, Pony, Slow and Fast Pitch Adult Softball leagues. Under lights. Anyone could play, you simply had to get a glove and try out. If you caught a game winning flyball, your picture would even be in next weekend’s English language newspaper, misspelled name an all. Kasey Kasem played America’s Top 40 and American DJ’s announced snow days (Yay!) and the morning traffic, and the Eagles crooned in FM stereo. Chicken Man made you laugh out loud in your car. Color TV showed Charlie’s Angels, MASH, Mission Impossible (Thanks Reza Badiyi!), Gunsmoke and Bonanza, all commercial free. When the term “Oh Boy!” was spoken in an American TV show, the Iranian TV dubbers translated it literally as “Oh Pesar!” and “Oh Pesar !” became a common colloquial term in modern (70’s era) Farsi. We were not always ideological enemies as we portend to be today. Halliburton was a major contractor of the National Iranian Oil Company. The same company that built the Empire State Building in New York, built huge apartment buildings in Tehran. So here’s to the wonders of cement and the good old days!
9) Iranian women actually are not subservient and submissive as advertised.
If it weren’t illegal, most would not wear a headscarf (hejab). In fact many would agree, Iranian women more often than not, rule the roost if they have an actual roost to rule. Iranian women by nature are the far stronger gender in Iranian society and unlike this new Islamist male dominated social order being sold as typical Iranian society, few know that Iranian women will likely stage the next shift in Iran. When they good and well decide to do so. The only tactic the Iranian government, senior clerics, and policy wogs have to fend this imminent threat off, is to smile that holy Friar Tuck smile, symbolically insert one finger into both ears and pretend women don’t exist. Or as I call it the “…La la la la la, I Can’t hear you…” technique. And hell hath no fury like an Iranian woman ignored.
10) Iranians are funny.
Unfortunately this is not evident from the spate of recent films that the rest of the world sees during Sundance and Cannes. It seems all we have to show is the sad animated film of a young girl who has her aspiring punk rock career cut short by the revolution. Or an endless supply of incessant whiny Iranian Woman writers’ ultra depressing and largely hopeless perspectives on life under, behind, or on top of the veil. It seems all we have to say are the obvious implications of Jihadist cosmetics, in the Persian garden, with or without jasmine or pomegranate-infused overly complex language lamenting yet more boring “my grandmother’s life advice”. Or the perils and pitfalls of drug addicted prostituting classical Iranian musicians. Sadness, or as I like to call it “The Turquoise Blues”, is not as representative of what I know as the true everyday Iranian character. Daily Iranian conversation requires a minimum of 3-5 jokes. 2 of them good ones. And in all of the books written during the past 10 years, there is only one book you need to read to learn how hilariously human Iranians are. “Funny in Farsi”, by Firoozeh Dumas. I think it’s like down to 3 bucks now, for a used copy, go ahead, you can even get it on Amazon!
