Anonymous Users Might Unite

My fellow anonymous users,

I love you. Over the years, you’ve submitted some of the most fascinating pieces to Iranian.com. From unsolicited advice to observations, poetry and articles, you never cease to amaze me. The things you say when no one is watching (almost no one) have entertained me. You’ve actually taught me a lot too.

Many contributors use their real names here and share their pictures with us. I don’t trust some of them. Hey, I could take a picture from the Internet and register as “Sepideh Gholam-Hajari” (not a real person – don’t sue me) and boast about my bravery and guts: “I put a name to what I write man!”

Hail Mary, Joseph and all the rest of our Lord’s family! Let the proud and the bold come forth and teach me a better way. Let them convince me to commit cyber suicide and get rid of Nazanin. Isn’t it called “seraat al mostagheem” or something? Don’t they have an obligation to lead me to the Promised Land?

AMMA! Every time I doubt someone’s real identity, I remember that I couldn’t care less who they are. I just want to read them. This has never been an issue for me. I take the high road ladies and gentlemen! To be fair though, most haters have had the decency to attack me via email. If I were personally attacked where it bleeds, maybe I would feel different.

Most readers never submit their thoughts and don’t even comment. If you are one of those people and decide to join the crowd (peer pressure?), I have some advice that might be useful.

1- I suggest you pick an Iranian.com mentor, someone real. Submit your writings or comments only when your mentor makes an appearance! This way, you won’t be over exposed. Just don’t make it obvious or s/he might sue you for stalking.

2- For God’s sake (or Buddha or Judah or any other Voodoo lounge you confess to), don’t openly insult anyone. Swear at them in your head. This is a tough one because so many people are idiots (sure, include me in that group), and so many people lie! But curb your enthusiasm! Get a hold of your anger. Don’t be rude. Don’t remark on anyone’s appearance, education, sexuality or political affiliations. If you have to criticize someone, do it without involving their female relatives and without labeling them. Even in an overcharged political environment, pacifists are memorialized with national holidays. The Chechen rebel fighter gets no respect on CNN! Remember, chances are you’re no Che Guevara so take it easy from your home office compadre! “Hun” No one is counting on you to change the world.

3- Try not to say anything sexual. Otherwise, you’ll be called a professional sex worker with years of experience under your belt. I know that political leaders love sluts and pay for them, but not Iranian.com users.

4- Try not to get political. Otherwise, you’ll be asked about your education. Yes, yes, never mind that most of the criticism comes from people who haven’t read a book this week but they are more powerful. Just try to stay away from this topic.

5- Don’t talk too much about yourself. Otherwise, people will complain that you talk too much about yourself.

6- Keep your religious views away please. I don’t know why but it’s not cool to believe in something beyond yourself. You can be spiritual if you want. But not religious. So don’t admit that you believe in god and never say “be hagheh 5 tan”. Instead say “I gangbanged 5 people” or tell us about how you’ve come to the conclusion that God doesn’t exist (site at least 5 holy books you’ve read cover to cover).

7- Youtube links are ALWAYS appreciated.

8- It’s never Ok to attack another writer. But it’s perfectly fine to attack groups of people.

9- Some courageous souls here aren’t afraid of you. Yet, some how they can’t get over you. They write about you. They decide not to write because of you. They discuss you to death. They go to sleep wondering if comments by different users come from you. They wonder if you know them. They think they know you etc You are very powerful.

10- JJ is the best. Always stand up to defend him.

I can’t think of anything else at the moment. It’s a boring subject isn’t it? I just thought the anonymous users should unite and unionize. We can demand our rights too? Could you imagine? Of course, I want to be the leader. Pass chi?

What you don’t want is to be in this situation, remember high school? Someone might eventually send you to this guy’s class.

Of course, if you are sensible enough not to talk, then babe, you’ve got it made!

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