Episode 7: Parvin
Parvin and Hajiagha meet online. (((Text in 3 parentheses means thoughts to him/herself)))
Email exchanges. One email per line below. Hajiagha sends only telegraphic messages in his emails.
Parvin: So are you religious? Your name is Hajiagha?
Hajiagha: No, who me?! No baba this just neek name … can send foto?
Parvin: Here is my photo.
Hajiagha: Can send better foto? … why you send one are cut out from person huggy you …. this one no good …
Parvin: Haji this is not a baghalee. If you want we can meet in person and you can see me instead of a photo. I don’t have any more photos.
Hajiagha: But I want foto! … foto first ….
Parvin: No more photos.
Hajiagha: Ok upset do not gets …. this foto … ok
Parvin: What is your problem? Do you know what you want in a woman? I am not a Barbie, so you can save yourself some time and move on to the next person.
Hajiagha: No no more barbie … I need woman real …. tired barbie … I am artist with nice oil paintings …. here you can see …. http://cartoonist.hajiagha.tripod.com/’)
Parvin: Your link doesn’t work but I take your word for it. Your English isn’t good so you can compensate for it with art, right? Otherwise you would have spent the time learning English.
Hajiagha: I applied to stupid college …. they said need 12 great school …. Canada …. I better not ….
Parvin: You better stop before I change my mind. Let’s have dinner and see each other.
They finally decide to meet in an Italian restaurant for dinner.
Hajiagha: Hello. (((Big damagh again. God damn it! Something about her teeth too)))
Parvin: Hello. (((What is he wearing? Nerd fashion. Oh my god)))
Hajiagha: Soooo …..(((Damn this luck. Maybe I should stay and try harder. If I want a wife I may have to lower my royal expectations. First let me imagine her naked and having sex with her. Let me think …. hmmm)))
Parvin: Sooo do you want to get a table?
Hajiagha: Yes why not. Waiter!
Hostess: Is this table good?
Parvin: Yes this is fine.
Hostess: Ok, here is the wine list sir.
Hajiagha: Why many books? You need great 12 to eat?! Hehehehe…
Hostess: They are menus and wine list sir.
Parvin: That’ll be fine. (((Ajab ghalatee kardam. Ba yek olagh omadam sham)))
Hajiagha: I was making a joke (((Is that couple strands of hair sticking out too? Oh my god yes it is. Hair!!)))
Parvin: I see. (((And I shaved my legs, you moron!! Did I pluck… did I? Oh the hell with him)))
Parvin: So is your family here? You didn’t talk much on the email.
Hajiagha: No I’m the only one here, no family, no nothing. I don’t like email, I like photos!
Parvin: So am I better than the photo I sent you?
Hajjiagha: Yes hehehehe. (((I need to pay more attention to facial hair in future photos)))
Parvin: My family is not here either. So we are a match made in heaven! Let’s order.
Hajiagha: Uhhh, ok. You order for me I don’t understand, I don’t have great 12 education! hehehehe
Parvin: (((Idiot))) Ok can we order an appetizer of calamari and a bottle of Chianti? And for dinner he’ll have eggplant parmigiana and I’ll have fettuccini alfredo.
Hajiagha: They were fancy names. Kaleh mare? Did you order snake’s head? Egg pan panj tan, did you order nimroo for me? Fettoon alaf? It is not pork, is it?
Parvin: You’ll see, something like snake. No pork. (((Kooftet-sh-e. Man bayad ghaza order bedam olagh??)))
Hajiagha: I was just joking. (((Khook sefaresh nadade bashe? Ajab badbakhtee geer kardeem-ha)))
Parvin: Here try calamari. Kaleh mare. Hehehehehe.
Hajiagha: It is like a gum. Chewy.
Parvin: It is snake’s head, what do you expect?! Hehehehehe
Hajiagha: It is ok.
Parvin: It is hasht-paw.
Hajiagha: What? Spit! Spit! You should have told me. Spit! Spit! (((pedar sag, meedonestam ghorbagheh sefaresh meedee)))
Parvin: Sorry it is very good. I thought you would like it. (((Bebin che kesafat bazi dar miyar-e. Badbakht zan-e ayandash)))
Hajiagha: It is ok. You eat. Let’s change the subject. Do you know about Iranian internet?
Parvin: No I don’t know. I don’t follow Iranian stuff. (((Hal-o hoseleh Irani bazi al-an nist)))
Hajiagha: Me neither. (((She doesn’t know me?? It’s all JJ’s fault))) Do you want to talk about Human Rights and feminism? Maybe racism or Canada?
Parvin: No not really. (((Ey khoda man che gonahi be dargahet kardam?)))
Hajiagha: Ok. How about Los Angeles? (((Pas man kay harfhamo bezanam?)))
Parvin: So how do you like your eggplant? Do you see any eggs?
Hajiagha: Actually this is not bad. It is not frog meat, is it? (((soosmar nabashe?)))
Parvin: It is bademjan with cheese and tomato sauce. (((Frog ke sahle, goosht-e khar bayad behet bedan)))
Hajiagha: Yes yes it tastes like bademjan. Mashallah you can drink wine. I had one sip and I am already seeing birds and the bees singing.
Parvin: You are funny! No matter how drunk I get you are not having sex tonight! (((He is a little funny)))
Hajiagha: Hehehehehe (((What just happened here?)))
Parvin: So what do you want to do? (((I can’t take this anymore. Bored out of my mind)))
Hajiagha: (((She doesn’t want to hear about Canada, she doesn’t know JJ, no feminism and women’s rights, can’t take a walk with her because of children young as 13 selling drugs, gays and lesbians everywhere. Who is paying the bill?))) Well now that we are finished eating we can pay the bill and get out. You didn’t talk much.
Parvin: “We” pay the bill? (((I knew it! Cheap jerk)))
Hajiagha: Well, you ordered the wine and kale maree, we can split the bill (((Sag khord)))
Parvin: I was just joking; I am a modern woman and didn’t expect you to pay the bill. I pay my own way. (((I can’t stand him anymore)))
Hajiagha: Ok here’s my half. (((Waste of money)))
Parvin: What about the tip? You know tip, right? Never mind, I’ll add it. I’ll email you. (((Go to hell)))
Hajiagha: Ok thank you. This was nice. (((Maybe I should overlook the damagh and the hair. Can I make love to her every night? I don’t know what to do. Sucks to Canada!!)))