After writing a number of articles about humorless topics, it is time for me to get less serious. This piece of writing is for those of you who have the pleasure of being 50 or older, the rest of you take a break!
When I look intently at my black and white picture on my high school diploma, I realize how the passage of time has taken its toll on me. I remember when I was a kid, any time I did something nice for older people; they wished me to get old, elahi peer beshi. Now, that prayer has been almost answered and I am getting older. But believe me it is not much fun to get old. An aged man is like an old car, out of warranty with not much horse power, going up the hill and breathing rapidly but hardly. The pace of life becomes slower and slower with age. The only thing that is easier to do when you are older is waiting. Remember when you were a kid waiting one hour felt like a week, now waiting a week feels like an hour?
Certainly no one likes to get old voluntarily. Growing old is the unavoidable curse of the nature. No one likes to look in the mirror every day to see the faded face with wrinkles all over and gray and white hair at the top of his head. If someone told you that old people are wiser, he is either being modest or implying that he wishes that he could return to the forties again. Even if that is true, I think oldness is a high price to pay for a little extra wisdom. If getting older is good why we always search for the elixir that we hope enables us to live indefinitely. Why the physicians are always striving to discover the gene responsible for aging so that they can postpone it and find the secret to longevity. Why a not-so-famous Iranian poet said “mara bashad agar tiri be pahloo – as an behtar bovad piri be pahloo” In other words, the poor poet prefers to be hit by a bullet rather than being associated with an old man.
Hopelessly, old age is like your aunt’s chicken soup, you have to eat it whether you like it or not! Every one is getting old for sure; however, getting older is no excuse for giving up and lay down your arms. They say oldness is in your mind and you can enjoy it with some mental and psychological modification. I was watching a report on TV the other day about the latest researches on aging. Guess what? The findings of these studies show that the older you get, the happier you become. That might be indeed true especially after you finish reading this article.
There are many physiological as well as mental signs indicating the emergence of the old age. Many of us may not be even aware of them. Because of inattention to these signs, many of us do not realize how close we are to becoming an elderly. As a public service to all, I decided to compile a list of these signs. Don’t feel sorry for me. I enjoyed doing this. I believe life will be so uneventful unless you are bold enough to do silly things. I hope by careful examination of this list not only you overcome your indecisiveness about oldness but also you enjoy reading it. The list is by no means exhaustive. Make sure to add as many other signs as you deem relevant. And, as always thanks for your comments
You are getting old if:
1. You can remember the memories of forty years ago, however you cannot remember what you ate last night or where did you leave your keys
2. Anytime someone mentions the name of the late Shah of Iran, you salute habitually
3. You are thinking about selling your home and buying a flat house with no stairs
4. Others listen to you not because of what you say but because they want to respect you
5. when you want to introduce your wife to others you refer to her as naneh abole
6. instead of stealing your hair, severe wind steals your toupee
7. after careful calculation, you found out that the mortgage in your house will finish a few years after your death
8. your trouser belt has migrated downward by many inches
9. you refer to thirty and forty years old people as kids
10. since your last child was born, you and him have been wearing diaper at the same time
11. you read all the news in newspaper and carefully watch TV just to kill time
12. the businesses in your neighborhood refuse to sell you anything on credit
13. when you take your car for an oil change to a service station, they tell you amusingly; you better keep the oil and change the car
14. after you dial the last number, you forget whom are you calling
15. the list of the foods that your doctor told you to avoid by is a few pages long
16. when you want to call one of your kids, you keep yelling several names until one of them is eventually correct
17. you can smell the flowers, however, you cannot pick them up
18. you wish that instead of so much hair growing on the places you don’t like, your income could grow as much
19. you have dyed your hair for so long, you don’t remember the natural color of your hair any more
20. when you go to a restaurant with others, they expect you to pay the bill
21. when someone talks about wheat or barley, you think he is talking about your hair
22. you still think that Ghamarolmolook Vaziri is a modern singer
23. when your car does not start, you search for crank
24. even though your teeth and hips are artificial, you take pride in the fact that your garments are all made form natural fiber
25. you realize now, those who said “life begins at fifty” are nothing but liars
26. you think about the whole at the bottom of your socks, but do not care about the whole in the ozone layer
27. your neighbors can hear the conversations between you and your wife easily
28. your kids cell phone has more memory that you have
29. when someone tells a jokes you laugh out load despite the fact the you have heard it 100 times over
30. going to a barber shop and grocery store is a social event for you
31. Some of the things you should be doing in reality, you do in your dream
32. when pose for a family picture, they put you right at the center
33. most of the recent university graduates were born after your graduation
34. you still think that abacus is the best lap top computer
35. you keep your watch in the pocket of your vest
36. you have seen all the James Bond movies in the melli alley’s theatres in Tehran
37. your only sport activity is changing TV channels with a remote control
38. you think the problem of mortgage crisis will not be resolved during your life time
39. long-sleeves shirts suit you much better
40. even though there is no scientific reason, you think that your ears and your nose are growing bigger and bigger every year
41. you still have a few masoud nia brand ties in your closet
42. your daughter tells you that the women you recently started dating is the mother of one of her friends
43. you still keep saying that aberoo is worth 1000 tooman a methghal
44. except for the Friday prayer, you are usually in the last row for everything else
45. Instead of visiting different doctors. you visit only one, plastic surgeon
46. you wish your friends bring you certificate for Viagra as gift for your birthday
47. you finally admitted that you don’t know anything about Einstein’s theory of relativity
48. no one asks you any more where did you go to school
49. you take proud in being able to stuff a suitcase with hundred peaces of clothes and other items
50. you remember the time when the dizi abghoost was the main household attraction
51. the biggest drawer in your desk is reserved for preparation H, Bengay, Detrol LA, Milk of Magnesia, and all kinds of vitamins
52. when you pick up the telephone receiver, the first phrase you utter is; hello markaz
53. you are finally surrendering to the idea of negotiating a peace treaty with your mother-in-law
54. you use illegal drugs for medical reasons
55. your kids do not have any resemblance any longer to their pictures you keep in your office
56. you are thinking about migrating to a farm house
57. when they take you to a movie, you are napping during fifty percent of the time
58. you think that your prescription for Tofigh magazine is still valid
59. you have many paper tissues in your pocket used many times over
60. you have discovered that planting flowers and vegetables in your backyard is the most relaxing thing you can do
61. when you go to a restaurant for lunch, you take more than half of your food for dinner
62. If another driver shows you his middle finger behind the red light, you politely tell him; I am fine how about you sir?
63. the only insurance that matters to you is life insurance
64. you realize that those who told you; you don’t get older, you get wise; they did not express this in a court
65. the only thing that is no longer needed in your house is birth control pills
66. any kind of operations on your body parts is not allowed without the authorization of the Historic Preservation Office
67. When your American friends ask you; how do you do? You reply; I never do any more!
68. the only numbers that matter to you are; hear bits, level of cholesterol, and the blood pressure
69. when your kids talk to you, you think they are talking to you in a foreign language
70. the AARP keeps sending you membership application
71. when you go to a doctor for any reason, he checks your prostate first
72. it does no longer matter to you to walk on the street in your pajamas
73. you wish that there were more than 20 years difference between the ages of thirty and fifty
74. you insist to impose your opinions on others, however, you do not accept anybody else’s opinion
75. you wake up early in the morning to be first one who can use the bathroom
76. when you go to drugstore to buy medicine you still take an empty glass bottle with you
77. although they put one candle for every ten years on your birthday cake, the costs of the candles is more than the price of the cake
78. you simply get fat just smelling the food
79. when you wake up in the morning, you also wake up others by the sounds of your squeaky joints
80. the reading glosses become an indispensable part of your body
81. while other people show off by wearing glasses you boast by taking them off
82. you only read the main headlines of the newspapers
83. one of your pleasurable memories is that once a police man arrested you mistakenly because he thought you were the forty years old criminal they were looking for
84. everyday you see the name of one of your friends in the obituary page of the local newspaper
85. because you cannot afford surgery, you ask your doctor to retouch your chest X-ray
86. when you walk near a cemetery, you see two men chasing you, one with a shove, the other one with a pickax!
87. when you invite your friends to your birthday party, you asked them instead of bringing you a gift they can take something from your house
88. the only way you can get rid of your facial wrinkles is to avoid looking into the mirror
89. you have realized that the Arashmidos law does no longer apply to you
90. no need to tell you that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line
91. after cashing a check for $1000 at your bank and in way out, you tell the security guard; you can go home now!
92. Instead of investing your money on Cisco, you lost it on Crisco
93. You still call the taxi drivers soorchi
94. Your friends invite you to menopause party
95. Your idea of having quality time is to watch the weather channel
96. and finally, when you realize that you should have enjoyed most of your life, most of your life has already gone
