Missing Lynzee Jean Ferrell

So I’m pretty stoked I’m lucky enough to get to go to South America.. but I am really really scared!! The one thing I’m the most upset about though is the one person I want to share this all with and go through it with isn’t here 🙁 It really really really hurts that she’s gone and although I know she’s always with me in my heart, it’s not the same. I’ll never be able to hang out with her again, I can’t have long talks with her about everything or nothing, and I’ll never be able to laugh at my little midget anymore! This past year without Lynz has been so very, very difficult, and when I’m having the best time of my life it’s so hard to not think of how much better it would be if she was here.

The night she died, it broke a piece of my heart off that will never, ever be returned. Lynzee had a special place in my life and nothing, not even another her, could ever replace it. She touched my life in a way that it had never been touched before, and taught me many, many life lessons. Honestly, because of her, I am a better person. I wish that I could have become a better person without her having to die, though. If I had the chance to go back in time to when she was sick again, I would. I would redo everything; how I handled it, not visiting her, and I would talk to her even more (even though I spoke with her every day).

What’s really hard is the day I’m leaving for LA, the day I should be so excited I should be sneezing rainbows, I won’t be able to help but think of her since June 5th was the day she passed away. And as much as I want to just accept that she’s gone and move on, I can’t. She was too dear to my heart. Lately, she’s been even more important as well.

Now that I’m in high school, I’m thinking of how she will never, ever get to do the things I will. She will never get to attend either of the proms, she won’t be able to graduate, she’ll never get married or have children, she won’t ever fall in love, etc. It hurts more than anything knowing that I will get to do all of those, but I won’t get to do them with her.

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