Congratulations to Iranian women for achieving another milestone, the official inauguration of the first women-only park in Tehran, called Mothers’ Paradise Park. Many Westerners might not know that women in Iran have been going to parks for centuries, however in the old days it was called bagh (garden), a place where they would go to have a good time (hal kardan). But, in recent history the word “bagh” has been changed to “park”, which originally is an Arabic word pronounced “bark”, which means the outer covering of woody stems and roots of trees and shrubs. In another word, it meant a landscaped place where people went to let their donkeys roam freely while they relaxed in the shades. When this word entered into Persian language exactly at 11:32 AM on Monday August 12, 1657 AD, the letter “b” was replaced with “p”, because Iranians have this extra letter in their alphabet that Arabs don’t have. So “bark” became “park”, and consequently “bagh” became “park”.
The greatest thing about this new park, for the ones who can afford to live near it, or travel to it (Tehran is vast metropolis), is that they no longer need to go to cramped multi-gender parks and commingle with dirty old men who constantly harass them for a peek at their hair, or a piece of skin. It has been several decades since Tehran has become overcrowded with women, who take too much space in the landscape of the city. If it was at all practical, Islamic Republic of Iran (IRI) would keep women in tents where they belong (according to them), however all their efforts to confine them to large residential tents, or mini personalized ones called chador has failed so far, even with the relentless help from
Even though disallowing boys over age of two is the best way to adhere to the strictest Islamic rules, it might not be practical for nowadays society since a lot of bachehbaz (pedophiles) hang around parks in Tehran. So, another solution to consider is the legal age of the boys, which in general is considered to be fifteen. This is the age when boys get married, so it could be argued that boys under the age of fifteen are not capable of copulating women, therefore it would be safe to allow them to roam in the park, with their mommies of course. In this case identification check at the gate is a must. Every boy regardless of their age should carry their shenasnameh (identification document) with them. Excuses such as ‘aaghamoon shenasnamehamono paloo khodesh negah meedareh mabada fraar konim’ (our master keeps our identification documents with him to prevent us from running away’ should not be accepted. However one can predict that big arguments would brew at the gate between khaharan’e zaynab and zanaan’e chonehzan (negotiating women) who want to get their boys in the park without proper identification. In no way ba chonehzadan any female park visitor should be allowed to get away with any of these rules.
The last solution that could be considered is to check for signs of puberty at the gate. In this case any dubious boys that might have reached the age of puberty should be stopped at the gate and, with their mother‘s consent and for the sake of preserving our women‘s honor, should be asked to drop their pants so the sisters of zaynab could inspect their private parts. Yes, for the sake of preserving our women’s reputation in the park, all suspicious boys should drop their pants on the spot, and the sisters should thoroughly inspect their private parts for any sign of pubic hair, and while they are at it they should also check for circumcision. Uncircumcised boys should not be allowed to enter the park under any circumcision, I mean circumstances.
Once again, great job having your own park in Tehran. Next step in total liberation for Iranian women is to have their own parliament, where female Iranian lawmakers can take off their clothes and pass Islamic laws half-naked.
