There are few things in life we all wish we could simply not experience. If only all wishes came true…
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“We need you to put all his belongings in this bag” the nurse said as she handed me a clear plastic bag.
There were so many people rushing around me, nurses, doctors…there were monitors, tubes, iv needles…I felt numb. I felt as if I was in another world where the nurse’s questions were endless…
“Does he have insurance?” No I don’t think he ever got any.
“Does he have a living will?” No, I don’t think he had planned on dying anytime soon.
“Do you wish for the hospital to do all that’s possible?” What? I’m supposed to answer that? You mean there are people out there who say no to this?
“Who do we contact in case of an emergency?” You mean there could be more of an emergency than this? Well of course ME!!!
“Are you his wife?” You’ve got to be kidding me! No I’m his daughter! Do I look like I could be his wife?
“What’s his social security number?” What? I don’t know! No-one ever said I had to memorize his number too!!!
“Has he had a heart attack before?” Oh my God, this is real, he’s really having a heart attack, oh my God shouldn’t you be in there instead of out here talking to me?
“Sign here” Ok, ok, ok I just have to remember my name.
“Sign there” Ok.
“Sign this” Ok.
“Sign that” Ok.
“Now, here’s what’s going on…” You mean this chaos makes sense to you and you’re going to attempt to explain it to me?
“He’s had a heart attack” Oh for crying out loud please, please stop saying that.
“We have to do a…” I have no clue what that is but please don’t stand over here, just go do it.
“They’ll cut a piece of his vein from his leg” Oh oh oh no no no. NO cutting! That can’t be good, all cutting is bad! And please don’t tell me the details.
“They’ll create a bypass on his artery using that vein” Owwwww who is “they”? Nevermind just go do it! Oh my God! No wait! Don’t do it! I mean who’s doing it? Are they qualified? Do they have to do it now? Can’t we just wait and see if it gets better?
“Time is the most important thing right now…” Well damn it then go go go go go just please do something.
“You’ll have to wait” I always have to wait, what else is new.
Then I wait, and I wait, and I wait…and I think:
What if the Doctor is tired? What if they were wrong? What if they mess up? What if the Doctor had a big fight with his wife that morning and can’t concentrate? What time is it? And I look at my watch…Oh my God it’s only been ten minutes. Stop staring at that door, it’s not going to open any faster. What if it opens too soon? That could be a bad sign. But what if it takes a really long time and the door doesn’t open? That could be worse. Will someone come out and give me updates? Why did they rush so much? It must have been really bad. Ahhh I should have been nicer to the nurse. I wish it was me in there. I wonder if I should call Grandma. No, she’ll just worry. God she’ll probably have a heart attack too. One heart attack at a time. Yes, that’s how we’ll handle this. One at a time. Why didn’t they tell me just how bad it was? Why didn’t I ask more questions? What if he dies? No, he’s too young. Don’t think negative thoughts…he’ll be fine. What the hell were those papers I signed? Doesn’t everyone say read everything before you sign? Oh what the hell does it matter. Now what do I do? Oh yes…WAIT. Wait. Wait. And my cell phone begins to ring with more endless questions….
“What happened? Is he ok? Where is he? Is he going to die?”
I can’t answer. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’m only supposed to wait. Just wait, I’m not supposed to know answers to questions I don’t want to think about.
And so I wait. I waited untill this horrible experience was over.
My Father had a heart attack. It happened exactly a year ago. He’s doing great. But even so, this is still much easier to write than to talk about, and I’ll certainly admit to that.
