Before we get to my letter to United Airlines, I have to give you a little background…
I travel a lot for work (and trust me that’s not a good thing), and this story began today when I walked through the gate and made my way to the United/Skywest Express Aircraft. (and all that means is that it’s a tiny little airplane which makes you spend the whole flight praying that it makes it!!!)
As I walked through the gate I began to think about the character who would sit next to me and prayed from the bottom of my heart that it would be someone who’s deaf. I know that sounds really bad, but it appears that there’s this sign “please talk to me” on my forehead that only people in planes see.
So, I got on the plane, found my seat and quietly sat down.
“You going home?” the extremely overweight man next to me, who was slurping a Coke, asked. “Yes, I’m going home” and to myself “if you don’t eat me”.
Him: “Yeah I’m going home too”
Me: “That’s great. Hope you enjoy your trip”
Him: “Those your eyes?”
Me: (to God: Ey khodaye mehrabun, age vojood dari begoo bebinam man che hizome tari be shoma forukhtam?) “Yes, they’re mine, I try to stay away from borrowing other peoples’ eyes, you know sanitary issues”
Him: (laughing as if what I had said was really that funny, and may I add that when this man laughed I worried about the plane breaking…ok I’m being mean, that’s mean, forgive me) “they’re weird, I mean they don’t look real”
Me: “hmmmm, thank you, I guess”
Him: “John” he said as he spilled some of the coke on himself.
Me: (here we go…) “Sharareh. Nice to meet you.”
Him: (laughing obnoxiously, yes, apparently my name is that funny) “hahahah weird name and weird eyes”
Me: (to myself: weird amate) “You’re too kind”
Him: “and you’re funny”
Me: (to myself: kojasho didi, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit…to God: merci, merci, vaghean merci.)
Him: “where you from”
Me: (isn’t it supposed to be “where ARE you from”…not that my grammar is that good but still…) “eeeran”
Him: “where?”
Me: “I” “RAN”
Him: “hmm I don’t know where that is”
Me: “really? I even pronounced it both ways for you! well don’t feel bad, it’s a tiny little village in China.”
Him: “wow, now that’s weird, you really don’t look chinese!”
Me: (man ham mariz shodam…akhe yeki nist bege dokhtar hosele dari mardomo sare kar mizari…) “thanks, I guess…well looks like we’re getting ready to take off…” and with that I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep the entire flight.
I pretended to sleep and began to think…and I remembered a story my Dad once told me about this guy who was sitting by the ocean with a bowl of “maast” and when asked what he was doing he said “making doogh” and when asked if he reaaaaaallly thought that was possible he replied “shayad sakht bashe, vali age beshe, chi mishe!!!” and with this story crowding my thoughts I decided to write a letter to United Airlines…who knows, if it works it’ll be something…yani age beshe, chi mishe!!!
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Dear United Airlines,
Hello! How are you? I am frequent flyer member number 01233548046 and currently hold the 1K status. I’m sure this tells you just how much I fly. I am writing to you today and hoping that you will help me. You see, I am having a dilemma! As you can see in your records, I have flown over 100,000 miles over the last 6 months, thus majority of my time is spent on one of your aircrafts!
Now, while I appreciate the upgrades and wonderful service you offer, I wanted to complain a little bit about the seating arrangement! Yes the seating arrangement! Really, I have no problems with the delays, cancellations, and maintenance issues…just a small tiny little problem with the seating arrangement…
You see, I always end up sitting next to the older business woman who breathes so heavy that I can hear her over my Ipod, or the man who is old enough to be my father yet hits on me the entire flight, or the woman who is pregnant and can’t seem to talk about anything other than the odd, gross, and totally unacceptable physical changes she’s experiencing, or the man without any class who doesn’t seem to get the hint and interrupts my reading, watching the movie, listening to my Ipod, and work to talk to me about meaningless, useless topics, and the worst one of all…the handsome perfect man who not only has class, but a wedding ring too!
So I just wanted to ask you to help me out here…given that there’s only 24 hours in a day, after flying half of it, working, and attempting to get to my necessary daily chores (which includes the responsibility of entertaining my family and a dog), I am left with no time for a social life…and have reached the conclusion that perhaps there’s a way to kill two birds with one stone!
So please, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please put a single man between the ages 35-40, Persian (one who speaks the language, please I can not take my name being butchered or changed to Sara), not a lawyer (as I have no intention of being interrogated over dinner) and please not a dentist (as they have the highest suicide rate), perhaps a man who’s kind, intelligent, handsome, respectful, with class, who doesn’t laugh too much, keeps up with world news, enjoys a good drink, can hold a debate, doesn’t yell, curse or spit, one who doesn’t cook, has an eye for art, doesn’t wear tennis shoes, enjoys classical music, is rather formal, can dance, smells good and likes to talk on airplanes, next to me!
And well, if that’s too much trouble, or impossible to find, I’ll settle for a DEAF person.
I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this.
See you on my next flight.
Sincerely,
Frequent flyer member 01233548046
