Don’t ever remember wanting a child, ever. Even when I was a child or a teenager, just never pictured myself with a “byproduct” of myself.
The feeling may have taken a turn when I got married nearly seventeen years ago, but still did not see myself as a father. These mysterious “fatherhood” feelings hit me for the first time some fourteen years ago, give or take a few months. This guy, who I was playing football with, had a daughter. We started seeing each other more and more, once we found out that our homes were just minutes away.
I met Yassi. She was a tiny little girl with a little face, tiny hands, big words, big voice and huge hair. Most of her “grown-up” attitude was the result of having grandma taking care of her during the day. One looked at her tiny face, which was gorgeous by the way, and could not believe the conversation. She was very smart, had a raspy voice and was devastatingly beautiful. I won’t include a picture, don’t want to embarrass her; she has a goofy dad who takes care of that chore.
I used to look at her, touch her hair and felt that feeling that if I ever wanted a child I would want a girl and I want her to be just like Yassi. I imagined curly hair on her, but if she was going to be just like Yassi, curl or no curl, did not matter.
I have seen nieces and nephews on my wife’s side being born, grow and be a part of our lives. Also have had many friends who’s children became a part of our lives, but none has ever had such an impact. None has ever been so lovely and been able to capture me like Yassi did. I was in love, for sure. As she grew older, she didn’t want to hang around Amoo Hamid that much anymore. Understandably, she wanted to be with her play mates and her friends. That was ok, I wasn’t happy with it, but knew that this is the course of nature.
As she grew, we kept up with the family and saw her whenever we had a chance. We moved away for a couple of years and when we got back, my wife told me that she saw Yassi at the beauty shop. I was excited about hearing what she looks like now. My wife was telling me that she was there to have her hair done and have work on her eyebrows.
I never forget how tearful I became thinking that the little girl was no little girl any more. She was a teen now and soon I probably won’t recognize her, if I saw her.
Yassi’s mom called us a few weeks ago and invited us to Yassi’s sweet 16. “Sixteen?” I asked. She said, “Yes, Yassi is turning 16”. Besides the nasty feeling of another reminder that I’m that old now, the face of that little girl was in front of me and I realized that I miss her so much. Fourteen plus years have gone by I still think about having a little girl with a little face and lot of curly hair. More likely Yassi is going to have a little girl, sometime in a distant future and I’ll still be picturing a little girl of my own.
My time may be gone to have kids, but I still have a good supply of friends and relatives who will bring beautiful little ones into this world for me to hold. I heard, “Oh Hamid, you would make a wonderful father” for years, now I am going to hear, “Ahh Hamid, you could have made a great father”.
All of that is ok. If this is regret, I’ll put it on the mantle along side of many other regrets in my life.
Happy Birthday Yassi jon. I don’t think you have any idea how much you were loved and how much you are loved. I’ll come over any time for a chance of looking at old videos of you.
Amoo Hamid awaits your many accomplishes, graduations, doctorates (if you chose to go that route), your wedding, (if you choose to get married some day), and perhaps holding your child in my arms some day. Grow well and be a good human, you have an excellent base.
