Worldly Wisdom: Farts and passing gas are free. All sound and stink bombs are welcome. They are neither male nor female. They are nature’s gift to mankind. So donate generously. Btw, there is laughing gas and there is tear gas but there is only one passing gas that is your great (dis)service to your peers. There are nuclear bombs and other bombs but none to match the sound bomb that can scare the enemy and win any war.
This is the story of a constipation doctor.
An elderly lady once complained to me that she passed gas many times a day. “It’s really more of a nuisance than a problem. They’re silent and they don’t smell.
I gave her a prescription and asked her to come back in a week.
She: (after a week) I don’t know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time. It is still silent, but it smells terribly!
I: Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll see what we can do for your hearing.
I was listening to a radio talk show the other day. The voice began listing all the problems caused by passing gas, including the ‘deadly fumes’ that linger long for ‘hours’ after the smell is gone, saying how it wasn’t just taboo ‘it can be deadly,’ and ‘hundreds of infants a year die’ from passed gas.
You know, one time I farted so badly that I had to spend 15 years in jail….for air pollution.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A man was pissing in a street when a cop spots him.
“You can’t do that here! It’ll cost you Rs 300 in fine.”
The man gives him a Rs 500 note. The cop says: “But I haven’t any change”
“No worries, you can keep it, cos I dropped a couple of farts as well….”
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they’ll stop laughing.
Statistics show that Indians pass enough gas to fuel every car on the road in India today. However, the Indian Government is totally against it, just because of three stupid people researching the study, died doing the tests.
Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them also!
Nobody listens to me until I fart.
Never fart in a wetsuit.
Rules for where/in which situations never to fart: Inside a crowded Lift; Inside a public library; On a crowded train; Whilst giving a speech, In Church, Whilst on a date, In a packed lecture theatre, In your office, At a cinema, In a walk-in freezer – it’ll linger a while, In a ticket line, On an airplane, During confession, In the bed, whilst feeling frisky, In bed when you’re feeling frisky, While fighting fire in a burning building, In a patrol car for a minor violation.
Rules for when to fart: Bosses office as you are about to leave. – make sure it’s silent but violent, In a bathroom, In the cashiers’ line – it’s bound to speed things up, The empty elevator before you get off, Besides an occupied dressing room – no doubt it’ll quickly become unoccupied, Your co-workers cubicle at the office, When deep sea diving, Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested, In your car if you’ve been carjacked, During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.