Tickle Your Funny Bone
Banana Republic is filled with terror fact and fiction that is turning more of fiction of late. Fake encounters and fictitious terrorists are created at the drop of a hat. Innocents are prosecuted. A serious matter like terror produced teehees (laughter).
After alleged human terrorists, comes a feline one. It seems the alleged human terrorist was standing by a tree. And a cat was hiding right behind. The “terrorist” escaped. But his accomplices – the cat and the tree were caught. Since the tree couldn’t be uprooted (the environmentalists made a hue n cry) and produced in the court, policemen guard it 24×7. Tourists have made a beeline to view world’s first terrorist tree. The crowd is unmanageable.
So, the stray cat was followed to a garbage dump in a no-man’s land. She waited for her boyfriend – a dog. The wait led to anger and she rolled in garbage and got entangled in wires. The police construed that as a suicide bomber. Immediately the cat was arrested and put in a high security jail.
Her meow was perceived as threat calls. The policemen were on tenterhooks as they didn’t know what to make of this VIP, who will only reply with constant meows. The police understood only the language of money so meow was foreign. Media viewed her as a prized catch and photographed her from all angles.
The cat basked in all the glory and preened too. She was fed well and looked liked a mini-lion within a week of being taken in custody. She was a celebrity from day one. Animal right activists campaigned to save it. There was a huge crowd outside the jail that refused to leave. “Save Billu the cat” has become national anthem that is echoed the world over. US President too has called for a speedy trial.
The stray cat not used to confinement, attacked policemen with sharp nails and teeth. They ran to save themselves. There is no trial but straight prosecution. Short of performing an encounter, they produced it in court.
This as the first case of a feline mammal to be produced in a human court. The judge was at his wits’ end. He called the defence and the prosecution and the police too.
Judge: So what is the colour of the cat?
Policeman: Me Lord, as you can see, he is brown in colour.
J: Hmm. Neither saffron, nor green. So how will the religious orientation be found? That is very important in filing of charges.
P: Me Lord. I am helpless in this regard. But if you will order, I will colour it saffron or green.
J: Idiot! What is her name?
P: (smiles). Me Lord. She is a he. I enquired at the dump, where she daily meets her boyfriend – a dog. The people there call her Billu, a male cat, a Tom actually.
J: You mean to say she is actually gay!
P: Me Lord. He…HE. He is a Tom, a male cat.
J: Alright, alright. Don’t you dare teach me. I know the level of the intelligence of policemen. (The cop gapes and glares at him). The female cat is called a molly or queen. So the cat has a dog boyfriend. Interesting. The animals are more advanced. This is truly Banana Republic.
P: Me Lord. People there are not sure whether it is male or female. I feel the name Billu is just to misguide the police. It is a unisex and unreligious name.
J: Stupid! The female cat will be called Billo (rani). Did you record the statement of her boyfriend the dog?
P: Me Lord. The cat is giving us sleepless nights that leaves us with the only option of an encounter. But we have controlled ourselves till now so that we can claim to nab the world’s first terrorist animal. She is more rowdy than us. And that dog – God save us! It is ever ready to pounce on us without provocation. He is on a fight to finish dharna outside jail He is more active than the activists. National Animal Rights Activits are breathing down our necks.
J: I like that. There is more solidarity among animals. Wish we could learn from them. So you have no clue about the accused’s residence, name, religious or sexual orientation. Why did you come here?
P: Me Lord. But I can provide a vital clue. In the past one week it has eaten tons of meat, fish, chicken and other non-veg items. It won’t touch veggy stuff. So that makes her…
J: Shut up, you fool! I eat meat too and I am Kapoor.
P: Me Lord. You are absolutely right…
J: I am Kevin…sorry…I am Kapoor and I am not a terrorist. I will go across Banana Republic and prove to its citizens that I am not a terrorist.
P: Me Lord. This case is not about you. It is about the cat.
J: Right, right. So what is the tongue she speaks in?
P: Me Lord. It is a strange word she utters – meow meow. I have injured my head scratching but can’t understand it. The language is not as easy as money.
J: And does she wear any particular clothing?
P: (pretends to be shy, smiles coyly). Me Lord. She prefers nature’s suit.
J: Hmm. It’s a very difficult case to crack. Does the Defence have anything to say in her favour?
Defence: Me Lord. Thank you for allowing me to speak. I understand her language. I have the necessary experience, which I will put to good use now. You see, I have lived with clowder.
J: What is that?
D: Me Lord. A clowder is a group of cats. They used to fight over me, injure me, nearly kill me but never left me. In the process I learnt their language.
J: Oh! Interesting. Let the proceedings begin.
D: Me Lord. She says, she is very happy with the Banana Republic police. It is her good luck that she has been provided with excellent living quarters, food but no clothing.
C: Meow. Meow.
D: Me Lord. She says, she will leave her boyfriend but not the police quarters. She is thankful to them for showing her the good side of life. In the lat one week she has got accustomed to it. Now she is wedded to the cops.
D: She says if you take her away from there, she will stay with you and never let you rest in peace. She will terrorise you.
J: What! She can’t do that to me! I am the judge.
D: Me lord. Animal kingdom has its own rules. She wants to pass her judgement here and now. It is for you to decide.
J: My wife already terrorises me. I can’t let her have company. I pronounce this cat is not a terrorist and is acquitted with all honour.
Policeman: Me Lord. She is a terrorist! You can’t let her go.
J: How dare you over rule my verdict. I pronounce you guilty of obstructing the court’s proceedings and accusing innocent people sorry animals. You are accused of spreading terror in the society with the intention of causing widespread discontent. He is the first cop terrorist. Let justice be done Madame Cat, you are free to go wherever you wish except my home.
D/Prosecutor: Amen. Amen.
Policeman: The innocent are always under fire. The guilty escape. Who will save me? Meow! Meow!