I was just nine years old that my father left me in his death bed for ever. That day his condition was very bad. His hand were cold and his feet or leg did not move any more, he could not even move from one side to the other side. I saw my father in this condition, so if a nine years old girl can see such a terrible situation. The other girls had father who was strong and healthy and played with them in streets or in the garden, but my father was lying in bed and could not even move any more ; he looked with his eyes which was like two stone at me, the eyes had no more light in any more. Something was starting to eat me like elapse, my body was eaten by something. He was looking or starring at me with his eyes and I asked him, if he feel better, which was a dummy stupid question ; he was in his last minutes of his life and I was asking him if he feel better. And I laughed at him to make him happy. He could not even answer me. And he was starring at me ; I was so upset that my head felt down without my control, by itself. I heard a voice which was like a voice coming far away; I am OK , how are you.
Why you are upset. What is your problem. In such condition he was asking about me and my health and was upset, because I was upset. My eyes were now full of tears for his unconditional love and for his care concerning me and my situation. The tears are forcing to come down and I tried to control them. He moved his head a little bit toward me as he wanted to see my face better, so I brought my face closer to him and my tears felt on his face and may be the warmth of my tears had been noticed by him. In this moment there was another movement in his face as electric was connected with him and he said O my God. He was praying to God for my joy. My mother took my arms and pushed me out of the room. O my God, I cannot be for the last moment with my father. She thought I have no power to see the time my father is dying. I heard to voice of two women, two very old women who were there and they said, poor girl, her father is going to light lamps in other world for himself. I wanted to cry and say why you are saying poor girl, you are much older than my father. Why you are laughing in your mind about me and say, poor girl. That night my father died; the huge sport man, who took me with one hand in the air, and now he was just skin and bones, and could not move at all. He died and left us alone on this crazy world. My mother and other families cried very loud. I did not understand why they were crying so loud. They could not bring back my father with loud crying.
They told me he died, but why they did not let me to be with him at least for few minutes more. Now the people looked at me a nine years old girl not with love, but with mercy and down; poor girl was the words I heard the same night for everybody. The same mercy they did to a young baby dog. To a pappy. They looked to me as they looked to a pappy without his mother without her/his beach. Why the God let him go and leave me alone and why they did not let me to be him for the last moments. That was a cruel matter had happened to me. I was a good girl to him and loved him very much, why he left me alone. O God, the people say you are huge and very great and you are able to do everything; if it is true bring my father back. How can I believe that he left me for ever. I could not believe the God let that happen to me, the God that all religion say he is merciful and great why He let my father be dead? Why? I prayed everyday for him, but there was no result, He did not even listen to me and my prayers. I needed my father, he helped me , he loved me so much and he kissed me and hugged me every day I came back from school. He took me to the school and registered my name, he helped my to do my home work, he came to school with me and speak so nicely with me. He gave me money and he spoiled me and bought for me what ever I liked and asked him. He kissed my face and my head every day. And told me that I wanted a sister, but I asked him to bring a sister for me with green eyes and golden hair, like one of the girl in my school. He told me, he cannot promised that he can bring that type of sister for me and asked me how about a sister like you, with brown eyes and dark blond hair, I shouted no, father please bring for me a sister a little be different. Not the same as me, I can sit in front of mirror and speak with myself as in the mirror is my sister. He told me he will try to fulfill my wishes, but sometimes; he said your wishes are beyond his power and his possibilities. I said that is not true, you are a powerful man, with such huge body and huge arms.
You can do everything you want. My father was really very powerful, he was a real sport man and he worked very hard and he did a lot of money. But he did not save money, he spend all his money for us, he bought for me and my brother what ever we wanted. And for my mother he did the same, he make a lot of expensive parties in his house and gives good times and good food to everybody. He gave money to poor people and bought school books with poor children. All the baggers know him, as he gave always money to them. Good money not few pennies. Something he gave money to the baggers equal to ten dollars or even twenty dollars. He was a very successful engineer and he worked like simple worker who were under his authorities. He was not an engineer who wants to sit behind a desk and just orders. He went to the holes, manholes and worked with the telecommunication special workers and helped them by showing how they should do. He was such a perfect man, perfect husband, perfect father and a perfect friend. He created also a lot of work for the people. His father was a nice man, too. Now he has gone to the eternities and the God took him from me, because he wanted him to be with Him and not with me. As; he was such a nice man. Is the God even jealous and cannot see that I had a good father and nice life. It should have been destroyed? By Him, by God. I do not understand, my father never forget the time of his prayers. He prayed every day five times. I saw him always praying and he prayed loud. He asked me also to pray with him. I did also my pray. Even in the time he was sick and could not move he prayed with his eyes and asked my mother to move his bed to the play point of Myakka. Such a nice, true , religious man should die so early, he was not even fourty years old. My ground father and my father ground father were there also. They came to me and kissed me and told me they will replace my father for me.
My ground father told me; do not worry, you will be like my daughter and not like my ground daughter. The ground father of my father who was my great ground father came to me and told me ; he will be always with me. He prayed in Arabic and hugged me and kissed me. Do not be sorry, we will be with you. They cried with me, too. My great ground father was about 98 years old and he was weak and not rich as my father was. Even the father of my father was an old man about seventy and he was also not so rich young and powerful like my father. But the passing of time showed me, my father will not come back. We should move from that house as we could not pay the rent any more. My father makes a lot of money, but he was very generous and he spent all of them. So we have no saving any more and what ever saving we had we spent for his illness, a bad sickness, which eats all his body and destroyed him totally. We moved to a mud house in the very north of Tehran. It was more like a cottage with a broken door. Now in the school and every where I go , the pool said, poor girl, the poor orphan girl. Nobody looked with love to me any more, I was the daughter of a great engineer who was the boss of a very important section in the government, but now I was just an orphan. Even after a while the children in the school showed me to each other and told each other that is the Afsaneh the rich girl, look now, she cannot buy any new clothes any more. Her father is dead, and he is not there to spoil her. My hello to the people was answer with a pity and with mercy back to me. They could not understand that I am the same girl, and under my old clothes; there is still a heart the same heart of Afsaneh.
They could not imagine that she is the same nice rich girl in the past. I could not even wear my old clothes any more as I grow and they were small and very tight for me. May be they had right; I do not belong to them any more. Their nice expensive clothes next to my funny ones were not matched with each other; even I do not matched with them any more, our interest now was completely different. They were crying, because another girl has better shoes, and I cried, because I lost my daddy. They were cruel to me as our thinking now was different, too. They told with a low voices to each other, the poor Afsaneh who had the best clothes and shoes, much better than us, now over one year, she could not buy anything and wears her old clothes which are so tight and so funny. What can I do ,my father died and I had to survive without his help. Every body told me or other people the poor Afsaneh. We should gathered money for her. She cannot buy anything any more. All these horrible words were in my head and I listened them even in the time that nobody uttered them. The poor girl with old shoes, tear off shoes, old clothes. I wanted to cry and say please stop. What they were saying were true, but I did not want to listen to this truth any more. They were forced to say that, as their egoistic spirit or their selfishness got satisfied. But why they were forced to bother me? But that was not my fault that my father died. That was God who took him from me. That is all God’s fault and not mine. I thought may be God does not love me and or he is cruel to the little girl like me. Or the God did a sin and took my father. Sometimes my little friends told each other that they heard their father saying to their mothers, he had taken a lot of illegal money and so he can buy for them what ever they want. They can change their cars to new ones. And they told their wives, but we afraid the God will punish us as we acted like thieves. And our mothers told them O the God has so many works to do and has no time to check your conditions. Be happy, the God will forgive you. Come we should enjoy the capital you got. So may be they had right the God has no time for me to listen to a pray of a little girl. But my mother told me ; I should be patient the God will help us later. But later I realized that the world has no value at all and the life is full of disasters for every body in different forms. At the end everybody dies. I thought the people who are stupid will kill each other for money and power. The life is really worthless. All of us are the children of death and we will die soon or late. Nobody can flee from the death. My mother was not so educated like my father and as widow, she could not get good job.
She tried, but she could only be maid or help of a secretary. The people prefer to hire a younger girl for the position of a secretary. She was also a heroin and worked very hard, but her salary and wages was not even one tenth of what my father brought home. My mother was now reaching also fourty and who wants to give work to a woman of fourty. ( in that time in Iran, the people even retired with fourty, the people started the work with eighteen or twenty and after twenty years work they could be retired and get a patient, so at that time fourty was an old age, compare with US that even with seventy five you should work) She brought clothes and material from other people house in our house and she wanted to repair them or wash them, I wanted to help her, but she told me go and prepare your lesson and school work, those are more important for you, so you can be an engineer like your father or a doctor. If your husband dies, so you can have a job and you can continue the same type of life. (in that time there was no wash machine or dryer in Iran, the clothes should be washed by hands and also there was no mass production of clothes and everything were made by hands, by tailors or the people who helped tailors and repaired the clothes or other materials.) O God the parent are so good. They want to do everything to make their children happy. We were really very poor and the help of my ground father was not enough to have a normal life. The girls did not like I sit next to them so I have to separate my place and sit alone. Even I hated my clothes and shoes, but what can I do nobody could buy new ones for me. My great father died also after a short time and my ground father got a bad sickness also, so our life get worse and worse. Nobody will believe that under those old clothes still is a nice heart of a little girl, who wants love and unity. Now we get poorer and the people looked at us like animals. I stated to hate the life, too. My mother gets also sick and get weaker and weaker. She was the only hope I had and now she was reducing and her power was deducting also. I was a little girl and my brother was even younger than me. I tried to support him, the little brother. Now nobody wanted us. I was not clever enough that we can get a much harder life. As soon my ground father will stop giving money to us, because he got sick and needs the money for his own doctors and medicines. ( in that time there was no insurance in Iran, and the doctors and medicine should pay cash) My mother get sick soon and she could not work so hard as before. And the people asked me not to be close to them and get distance with them. Our house was cold and my skin was ugly, as we did not eat properly and may be we did not get enough vitamins. O my hands were so painful and my body was so weak, O father, father why you do not come and rescue us from this disasters. Blood was coming out of my hand through the hard skin.
O God you are so cruel, you took my powerful rich father from me to punish me ; what I did to you. I prayed every day for you and you destroyed my life and every day you did it worst than the past day, why? O God, please, send me some food and a clothes that I can wear, I am now eleven years old and cannot wear my clothes, my beloved father bought for me. The people were very cruel to us and most of them misused our situation and took advantage of us. They rubbed us and took what ever they could. The people who had money from my father as a loan, did not give them back to us and the just system of Iran is so indifferent and so costly that my mother could not get his money back from them. My father helped his friends and relative, but as he died ; they did not give back his money back ; he helped them in their disasters ,but they did not pay his money back to us. His cousins did not give his loan back and as my mother asked them to pay off his loan, they said they do not have extra money and she can go with the receipt to the court system of Iran. An attorney said he will help us, but after he is paid , he did not do anything. The children started to tease me more and as I went to the principal of his assistant , she ignored me, as I did not exist at all. So I did not go for claim any more and I see they were very indifferent to me. They started to bit me, just because I had not nice clothes. They have fun about me and I was their play. They bit me and make me dirty with mud or snow in the winter. I was going home that a ball of snow hits my head, but between the snows was also a stone. I could not manage to stay and I felt down on the snow. Nobody helped after a while that I was unconscious. I got up and continue to go, the house was dark and the only lamp of our house was not lit. That day I was very hungry, because nobody shares her food with me and I did not eat anything. So the room was dark and cold, like a grave. I was going to die from the fear. So I started to go around the house and around the room. My feet hit a thing, I saw that was my mother, she smell after my mother; it was my mother. She was frozen from the cold weather. Soon my brother will come home. ( there was not telephone that time in Tehran). I hit her body with my feet so her Godly peace was disturbed. Her opened without life eyes looked at my tear off shoes. As she was sorry she could not buy shoes for me in that cold winter.
I came out of the house and cried people help, help my mother is frozen in the room. A man said poor girl she is mad. I did know what has happened any more. I felt down on the street full of snows. The life was like a dream for me. Next day in the morning the girl was dead on the street of Tehran. The snow has covered her body and her body was safe under so much snow and cold weather. The temperature was below 18 C in those days in Tehran. A little bit farther a dog was coming out of their house, the girl was looking to her house and was worried about her frozen mother. A little bit farther two nice fat girls were playing with the snow and make ball of snow and through to each other. One of these snow ball fell down on the mouth of the girl who was also frozen on the street and filled her hunger mouth, which was opened for food. The snow filled her mouth and in the time that sun shine was on her face, the snow and her face were shining. Her face was toward the sky and God and as she asked God what did you did with me, my mother, my father, my ground father? Are you happy now God? Did you destroy our life, because my father was a nice man and helped the people and did not take illegal money? I God you destroyed us, because we prayed every day to you? Why God, why I should have such miserable life in my short life. I was not even twelve years old. What will happen to my little brother? She was questioning God as she did not understand the whole story of life. She was looking with a lot of questions to the sky, where the God should be..
