Fun With Prophets

The following quiz will test your knowledge of Abrahamic prophets. You have fifteen minutes to complete it. Good luck!

1. Abraham was:

a. A prophet;
b. An ordinary man whose faith and devotion was tested by God;
c. A horny desert nomad who wanted to get it on with a black woman;
d. A schizophrenic lunatic who due to lack of proper treatment was about to murder his own son –and who would have been locked up for twenty years for attempted murder if he was alive today;
e. A myth who never actually existed and who originated in ancient Sumerian mythology;
f. All of the above;
g. (c),(d) and (e) only.

2. Moses was:

a. A prophet
b. A real estate broker who God entrusted with real estate allocations;
c. A power hungry maniac who would order the destruction and capture of cities, murder of its citizens and rape of its virgins and baby girls (and possibly boys);
d. A myth, straight of out ancient who never actually existed, for whom there is no historical record by Egyptians who otherwise kept meticulous records of every historical event and whose story originated in ancient Persian and Egyptian mythologies.
e. All of the above;
f. (b), (c) and (d) only.

3. Jesus was:

a. The Mexican guy who cuts your grass every week;
b. A whore mongering, pot smoking party animal who was really fun to hang out with because he always had women and a secret “stash”;
c. A pre-Hollywood zombie who came back from the dead and hung out in Jerusalem;
d. A myth who actually never existed and was a creation of Roman mythology;
e. Possibly the first gay prophet (hint: the constant bachelor…wink, wink)
f. All of the above;
g. (b),(c) and (d) only.

4. Mohammed was:

a. Your Bangladeshi man servant;
b. An illiterate bandit and supper horny desert nomad who liked them young…VERY young;
c. A power hungry maniac who would order the destruction and capture of cities, murder of its citizens and rape of its women and children;
d. A skilled charlatan who take advantage of a rich widow, took her money, pretended to be a “one woman” man while she was alive, but fucked everything that moved when she croaked;
e. Salman Farsi’s gay lover;
f. All of the above;
g. (b), (c), (d) and (e) only.

5. Why would God promise land to Moses?

1. Because he was a Jew and even God knows that Jews are good with real estate investments;
2. Because he owed Moses money and, being a Jew, Moses was charging him too much interest;
3. God had purchased the property a few years earlier, and the property value was going down, so he wanted to “dump” it
4. It’s all made up bullshit.

6. Mohammed rode a donkey to see the heavens because:

1. God was too cheap to pay for a first class (camel in those days) ticket (Moses was God’s bookkeeper at the time);
2. There were no camels available at the time;
3. Mohammed’s camel refused to give him a ride on account of him acting “all weird” around him the night before;
4. It’s all made up bullshit.

7. God sent archangel Gabriel to speak to Mohammed because:

1. He was too busy running the universe;
2. He was paying Gabriel, so he might as well do something (that good for nothing freeloader);
3. He thought that Mohammed was “too fucking weird” and wanted to stay as far a way from him as possible;
4. It’s all made up bullshit.

8. The Romans crucified Jesus because:

1. The Jewish lobby was too strong with the Romans and they convinced Pontius Pilate to kill him;
2. He had stolen a potato;
3. He was stealing all the whores away from the Roman soldiers;
4. He was too fucking annoying.

9. Mohammed and Moses liked young children in the following ways:

1. They wanted to be father figures to them;
2. They wanted to make them good followers of the word of God;
3. They saw God’s image in them;
4. They wanted to have sex with them because they were crazy child molesters;
5. (d) only. REALLY (d) only.

10. We learn the following from the following prophets:

1. You should love your fellow man;
2. You should have sex with your fellow man’s child / wife / sister, aunt, uncle, etc.;
3. God is merciful;
4. You can get away with all kinds of crazy shit so long as you claim to be appointed by God.

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