I’m crazy, you’re nuts

There was a popular book you may have read or heard of. Remember “I’m OK, You’re OK”? I think it was published in the 60’s or 70’s. I remember looking at the cover among my father’s books in 1989 but I’m not sure if I read it. But in the same year I did read something called “Games People Play”. It was the first book that gave me some insight into the mind and human behavior. I was so impressed by its theories that for a week or so I felt and acted “normal”. Then the effects wore off and I was back to being my inadequate, insecure self.

Normal. I’ve always wanted to be just plain normal. No hang-ups. No fears. Happy. I wanted to meet and talk to strangers without feeling weird. I wanted to belong. I thought everybody was normal but me. I wished I could be like my father, my mother, my brother, sister, teachers, tennis champions, doctors, engineers, librarians… anybody but me.

This idea that everything out there was perfect became a terrible burden. Somehow I felt I could not do anything right, ever. There was an acute fear of failure. Simple mathematical problems left me dazed and confused. If someone asked me which is heavier: a pound of feathers or a pound of rocks, I would smile and think “thank God! That’s easy. A pound of rocks!” Frame that question in a different way and I would still give the same answer.

Anything difficult I would avoid. Anything challenging I would leave to others. I was a talentless moron and I knew it, felt it, believed it. So I escaped. I created my own world. I built a little canal in our garden and watched the water from the hose snaking through the mud walls and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I climbed trees and jumped on rooftops. I read fairy tales and detective novels. I watched Star Trek and Bugs Bunny. I spent hours and hours doing jigsaw puzzles. I dreamed about the neighbor’s daughter. I became best friends with our dog, who loved me no matter how stupid I was.

Those brief moments of play, joy, relief, comfort and fantasy were overshadowed by the hell that was the classroom. Being forced to read things I hated or did not understand. Doing tons of homework. Sitting still and listening to stuff I could not and would not get my head into, five-six days a week for 12 years!

And then there were the horrendous fights between my father and mother, which got progressively worse. I don’t know what they fought about. Didn’t matter. All I heard was my mother’s furious rage. I don’t know what this has anything to do with the topic at hand, but just thought I’d throw that into the mix! But the thing that probably did screw up my sense of self-worth even more was the physical punishment I got for teasing my younger sister and occasionally for getting poor grades.

So, where am I going with this? What I want to say, basically, is that I always believed there were people I could truly look up to; individuals who are Good, Smart, Kind, Considerate, Mature, Tolerant, Pious, Modest, Truthful, Forgiving, Honest, Perfect… with capital letters. But not any more. I’m shocked — relieved, actually — that everyone on this planet is struggling to be normal and balanced. Being normal is not the norm at all.

People you least expect do the weirdest, dumbest, meanest things. I see them every day. Clueless, lost… so caught up in meaningless jobs, slaving away, without thinking what they are doing, why they are doing it, eating, sleeping, waking… I’m sounding like Henry Miller! But seriously… the whole planet seems to be on auto-pilot. People stick to their routine, without thinking for a second, without realizing simple realities.

I’m even doubting whether icons like Hafez were as Good and Wonderful as what they preached and produced. If you can’t live up to your own words of wisdom… what’s the point? I wish I could take a peek at Rumi’s life. How do you think he treated his wife and kids? This man has arguably written the most beautiful, lovely, spiritual things ever and yet I bet you he treated his wife like a maid, like a baby factory. Do you think he ever took his kids for a walk? Caress them? Listen to them? Or was he busy worshiping Shams?

Honestly… No one, no one, no one is perfect. Everybody is shockingly human! Weak! Hypocritical! Confused! To various degrees. Even the very best.

So that’s it. My fear that I’ll never be as “normal”, “mature”, “good”, “wise”, “brilliant” … as others has subsided. It’s all relative. Some are better, some worse. Tell me there’s a perfect, amazing person out there and I will give you a look like don’t kid yourself for a second.

Of course I’m going on and on about how imperfect humanity is just to make myself feel better, to stop thinking and worrying about my own imperfections. I’m not trying to belittle and put down others — it’s obvious that no one is perfect. But the obvious is not always that obvious. I’ve stopped looking for virtues in others and instead focusing on my own actions. I’m not beating myself like I used to. The fears and insecurities have not gone away, I’ve just accepted them as normal part of life. Sort of 🙂

Living and traveling alone in the past year seems to have helped me come to terms with myself. Or just made life more tolerable. I don’t know… I don’t know if I’m making any sense. But that’s okay 🙂

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Iranian Singles

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Meet your Persian Love Today!
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