I was recently asked by the Howzeh-ye Elmieh (Islamic Seminary in Qom) to design a multiple choice examination paper to test the theological knowledge and the judgement of the graduating Ayatollahs. I designed the following paper that was hailed as one of a kind by all the grand Ayatollahs and I was subsequently offered a seat in the seminary that I respectfully declined.
In designing the paper in each case I have stated a generally accepted religious ruling and then have added to the complexity to test the judgement of the Ayatollahs-to-be.
These are not matters of joke but precise Islamic science at work to solve our everyday problems.
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Bismillah
In the following questions please tick one choice only.
Question 1:
Generally accepted ruling:
It is forbidden to let sun or moon look at a Muslim’s private parts and the believers have been asked to hide their sexy bits from the peeping sun and moon when they are busy with discharging number one or number two. In case that they have no other way to hide their private glories from the celestial perverts, it is recommended to hold their hands in front of their dipstick or punanni to hide them from the dirty two.
Complex Case:
A man walking in the desert needs to take a dump. The sun is right above his head and the man unfortunately has no arms. He has a big schlong and no matter in which directions he would seat, sun would still see his johnson. What should the man do? Should he:
A- Do it in his trousers.
B- Get dip in the sand and do it there.
C- Lie on the ground on his belly and relieve himself with butt facing the sky.
D- Spot the nearest cloud and do his squat under its shadow, making sure that he would move along with the cloud as he is busy with the good job.
E- Shot the Ayatollah who said this.
Question 2:
Generally accepted ruling:
Should a man make love to a donkey resulting in him firing his sperm gun inside the beast, then he must not keep that donkey any longer nor sell it in his own village. He must take it to another village and sell it there.
Complex Case:
A man shags a sexy donkey and experiences the best orgasm of his life. He then does his religious duty and sells the donkey in another village. A day later he sees a man selling the same donkey in his own village and realises that the seller must also be doing his religious duty. What should he do? Should he:
A- Buy the unfaithful donkey and sell it in the third village.
B- Kill the man who has slept with his temporary wife.
C- Kill the horny donkey who seduces the god-fearing believers.
D- Tell the seller about his climax and ask him how it was for him.
E- Hang the Ayatollah who said this.
Question 3:
Generally accepted ruling:
If a Muslim misses a day of fasting, then he has to fast another day instead. If a man or a woman dies whilst he/she still owes god some fasting days, then it is the duty of the eldest son to fast for the number of days that the deceased has missed. Same ruling applies for the missed daily prayers.
Complex Case:
Parents of a believer never fast or say their prayers and they both die at the age of 75, each owing Allah about 6o years fasting (i.e. 60 months). Now the son has to fast 120 months in addition to his own fasting. This equates to almost 11 years of continuous fasting. Meanwhile he also has to cater for all the missed prayers. Should he:
A- Piss on his parents graves everyday.
B- Change sex.
C- Convince his younger brother that he is indeed the older one.
D- Become a Christian.
E- Throw the Ayatollah who said this from a cliff.
Question 4:
Generally accepted ruling:
A man should not have frontal sex with his wife when she is on her period but if needed can use the back door. If he does hanky panky in the front then he has to pay a fine. To calculate the fine, the wife’s period duration is divided into three. If he does it in the first third, he must give 18 nekhods (peas) gold to the poor people. In the second third 9 nekhods, and in the last third 4.5 nekhods gold must be given to the poor people. Back passage is free of charge all the way through.
Complex Case:
A man decides to use the toll free tunnel to keep the household expenses down and approaches his wife form the back. Unfortunately his Sperminator slips and enters the chargeable front. Should he:
A- Damn it and pay the poor people.
B- Hit his wife for her failure to provide proper guidance.
C- Explain what happened to the poor people to see if they would accept to give him half the gold back.
D- Next time try the spare wives first.
E- Stone the Ayatollah who said this.
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In each case it is permissible to add your own choice with sufficient explanations.
