Not to be outdone by the US vis-a-vis (Don’t you just love saying vis-a-vis?) the sensational Iranian/Used Car/Mexican Cartel (now code named “Low Rider”) plot to conduct nastiness on US soil, Iran today announced that it too had uncovered a US plot against Iran, one even better and more cooler and even more sensational than the one the US has. So there! And Kenef!
Vice Minister of Posterior Exposure, Mollah Gholam Hossein Khakeh-Noorieh Moshattat-Parvar, who also happens to sit right on top of the Council of Delectably Sinful Confectionery Experts, today announced a US plot that was invent… I mean uncovered, by the elite Iranian Security Forces known as the TOGHS brigade.
Although complete details of the US plot to assassinate the Turkish ambassador have yet to be provided to the press, what is known so far is that the US attempted to recruit a local Iranian (see wanted poster above), one with dual Iran-Turkish citizenship, who was to hire a series of yet to be trapped moles (not people, actual real fuzzy rat-type moles) to infiltrate the Turkish embassy sometime after dinner last Tuesday night, and set off the bombs that had been disguised to look like Bakhlava and other assorted Turkish desserts the Turkish Ambassador is known to love.
Although details are still coming in as they are invented, the Minister announced that through the use of patent pending advanced Iranian interrogation techniques known as, “Deep, Penetrative, and Anally Invasive”, the interrogation of about 10 city blocks, better make it 20 to be safe, surrounding the Turkish embassy in Tehran, as well as the relatives living or deceased, now numbering over 10,000 people, have now been charged with direct or indirect involvement in the plot, and declared corrupt-upon-the-earth just in case their court appointed lawyer Shirin Ebadi ever wins a case, and they got off the first assassination-by-bakhlava charge.
The entire neighborhoo… I mean accused conspirators, have been promptly removed to Evin Prison for further “Investigation” and participation in the monthly prison staff team building exercise of “Have-Fun-With-A-Prisoner-Fridays”.
The US has flatly denied any involvement in the plot, even though any reasonable or ridiculous attempt by the US to bring some kind of change in Iran is now completely plausible. However relations between the US and Turkey were strained ever since the tasteless remarks made at the 2007 White House Thanksgiving dinner, made by President Bush II, who thinking the press microphones had been turned off, turned to then Vice President Dick Cheney and said, “I wonder if while we are in Iraq, we could ‘stuff some Turkey’, if you know what I mean! Heh! Heh! Heh!”. Unfortunately the entire incident was caught on video including Cheney’s now famous YouTube fail-prank favorite pretending to fall to the ground while holding his chest and faking (or was it?) a heart attack, scaring the living hell out of President Bush, who can be heard off camera saying, “That’s not f****ing funny Dick, that’s real f****ing sick man! You know I f****ing hate it when you do that Sh**!”.
Although Iran does not have the main collaborator (or collaborators) in custody, the prime suspect (see US intelligence training photo above), is presumed to be at large and hiding near his childhood village home somewhere in the Southeastern provinces of Iran, and is believed to have been given sanctuary and protection by members of his local Species and Genus. (see Google Maps street-view above)
Iranian insecurity forces have vowed to find the individual at any cost, although not as much as has been recently stolen by the managers of the Central Bank, but as a result of numerous leads that have been coming in to Iranian authorities by eyewitnesses since 1979, the nationwide search has officially centered around the residences of the Iranian President Ahmadinejad as well as all known and secret residences of the Supreme Leader Khamenei given recent suspicious large quantity deliveries of imported alfalfa, watermelon rind, and nude photos of female Swedish donkeys.
It is now thought that the perpetrator of this latest US plot has in fact been under deep US sleeper cover pretending to be the President or Supreme Leader of Iran for all these years.
Because then the entire past 30 years would make far more sense than the current alternative.
NIAC released a real enough looking press release that it claimed showed indisputable proof that the alleged individual was really Maryam Rajavi in disguise, and outlined the plot as yet one more prime example of the danger the MEK poses to ordinary Iranians and the free democratic public sanitation movement in Iran. NIAC then held an emotional fundraiser that raised over $120,000 for “travel” by showing the same PowerPoint presentation, that one we all got on email 5 years ago, that showcases Anousheh Ansari’s heroic trip to outer space, and the usual 20 successful Iranians’ contribution to the failed US economy, Housing collapse, and stock market crash.
At precisely the same exact time as the NIAC announcement, PAAIA announced their own press release that simply said, “Uh, what NIAC said.”
Israeli officials declined to comment on the failed US plot, and went back to their attempt to break the Guinness World Record for uninterrupted oppression, by detaining 1000 Palestinians for every Israeli soldier, and building new settlements using long lasting bunker buster-proof imported US concrete, in disputed territories as fast as possible. Because everyone knows, this is the surest way to achieve lasting peace in the region.