Every human being on this planet, with a minimal education, knows the difference between “two” and “three”, yet Islamic designers, employed by the Islamic Republic of Iran’s fuel management and transportation, and other competitors, are trying to shove down our throats the idea of replacing women’s bicycles with especially made Islamic “Tricycles’. Trying to shove three wheels down our throats and call it two.
Sure, sure, we have other more important things to worry about than bicycles and tricycles. For examples:
- Fingering or not fingering during soccer matches
- Israel’s any moment attack on Iranian nuclear facilities
- Whether we should wail quietly or noisily in public
- U.S. military build-up in the region
- Accusations against a former used car dealer plotting to assassinate the Saudi Arabia’s ambassador in the U.S.
- 30,000,000,000,000 rials worth of bank embezzlement (do I have enough zeroes?)
- Impending changes being made to the Islamic Republic’s Constitution, to do away with presidency and replacing it with some kind of parliamentary system, maybe or maybe not occurring in a near future, or far future
- United Nations’ Special Rapporteur’s report on the situation of human rights in Iran
- Whether we should beat up soccer referees or just hang them high from cranes when we don’t like the calls they make
- Cruel and unusual punishment in the penal code of the Islamic Republic of Iran’s Constitution, things like flogging, limb amputations, eye gouging, and public hanging from cranes
- Drying of lakes and rivers in Iran (hopefully this one will end soon with the record-breaking snow fall in autumn), and destruction of Iran’s forests and ecosystems
And so on… These are only a few.
But, nevertheless, I am telling you now, if we accept that ‘three’ is the same thing as ‘two’, that a tricycle is the same thing as a bicycle, then the Islamic Republic of Iran would be able to do anything to us they wish. For examples:
- One day they might come up and claim that a man that was dead for centuries has reappeared from a well. And, we would say sure, no problem. A Tricycle is the same thing as a bicycle; dead man appears from a well, no problem.
- Or, they might say, a crazy man was attempting to cut his teenage son’s head off like a sheep thousands of years ago, but a man from a distant future traveled to the past and interfered in the matter, preventing the crazy man from slaughtering his own son. And, we’d say, sure, sure, I believe it. Two is the same as three, man travels to the past. No problem. I am cool with it.
So, how did all of this start? It was only a few days ago when Mohammad Royanian, head of Iran’s fuel management and transportation, . He said, an Islamic Bicycle is being designed that will have the necessary features to protect Muslim women and their values. First of all, someone explain to me what these valuable Muslim women’s values are supposed to be that the other women in the world don’t have? But then again, Muslim designers have been hard at work ever since the announcement came out, or as Mohammad himself said, the design was underway already, but the problem with the design of this bicycle is not with the frame, handle bar, the drive mechanism, the wheels, or any other parts of the bicycle, except for the bicycle seat. You see, the modern day, or to be more precise, the Christian/Western style bicycle seats are designed to go in between the legs, right where one “roon” meets another “roon” and form a “koon“. In the Christian/Western style bicycles the seat goes smack right where the koon is. It’s very unholy! Any time a woman rides a bicycle the seat is right in between her roons, under her koon, and right against her… In front of that koon, there is a… in front of that koon there is a… How can I say it without offending anyone! Well alright! Alright! Right in front of that koon, towards the front of the seat, anytime a woman rides a bicycle there is, there is, there is a cheechee. There, I said it, cheechee, cheechee. Go sue me now.
So, where was I? Oh yeah, as far as the Islamic bicycle design is concerned, man’s weewee is not an issue; in front, in the back, in the middle, who cares if weewee gets squeezed, crushed, or bludgeoned, no problem. But in case of Muslim woman, kooneshoon and cheecheeshoon is a problem, is THE problem, to be more precise. There is no way an Islamic bicycle for women would be allowed to be designed with that type of a seat, which would go right in between Islamic women’s asses and their cheechees. ‘Those kinds of seats are good only for the Christian/Western sex-crazed female bicyclists, and for the Jews, and atheists, Hindus, and all the other people of the other regions, who allow their women to sit on such seats without a shame. Those seats are not for Muslim women! Because, Muslim men would never allow anything in between their Muslim women’s legs, except their own… except their own…’ Well, you get the point, don’t you? No need for me to say it.
So, a bicycle style seat is out of the question, but other types of seats, such as an office chair type of a seat, or an automobile type, would be accepted, well not really accepted, because if it was up to them, the only place they would allow a woman to sit would be on the floor, but since those bucket-type seats are prevalent in the Iranian society already, they would be more acceptable to be incorporated in the design of the Islamic “Bicycle” for women than a Christian/Western style bicycle seat. So, the idea is for Muslim women to sit on a chair type of a seat, without any part of the chair going in between their legs. But, the problem now is double folded, how to maintain balance in that kind of a bicycle-geometry, where a cyclist has to sit on a chair, maintain balance, and pedal efficiently. The latter part of the problem is solved with what is known as reclining, where legs are stretched forward, as with a recline bicycle, in comparison to being vertical, as in un-Islamic bicycles. But, recline bicycles are hard to maintain balance. They require extra skills, and keeping balance for an unskilled chador-clad Muslim woman is even harder, therefore to prevent the bicycles from tilting over. Because, any falling off from a two-wheeled bicycle means exposure of Islamic female’s gorgeous body parts, hidden under Islamic veils. What?! What?! They don’t have gorgeous body parts under those veils? Of course they do, otherwise why would the Islamic Republicans be so concerned about covering them up?!
Anyhow, in my opinion, we should forget about nuclear issues, sanctions, APAC, NIAC, invasion, election, and all the other stuff. I think we should focus on this one issue, and this one issue alone, because our existence depends on it. We should not accept a tricycle to be forced on us as a bicycle, as mandatory hijab was, otherwise we’ll enable the Islamic rulers to do anything to us they wish; like for example, one day they might come up and say, nothing bad ever happened in Kahrizak, and we’d say sure, I go along with that. Or, nobody ever gets forced to make confessions against himself, and we’ll say, sure, it’s all good. Or, they might say, being whipped is good for you, and we’d say, sure, whip me good. They might say, someone on earth is The Light of God, and someone else is The Representative of God on Earth, and another one is The Hand of God, and we’d say, sure, no problem, I’m cool with all of that. Or, they might say, it’s OK for men in charge of the banking system in Iran to be permanent residents of other countries, and we’d say, I can accept that, I dig it man, nothing is wrong with that. It’s all fine. Let’s chill out.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. They’ll make us believe in anything they want, once they succeed in making us believe that a tri-cycle is a bi-cycle. We have to draw the line and say no. We put up with mass protests being crushed, and people being raped and killed. We put up with political prisoners being disbarred from practicing their professional jobs for the next thirty years, and we handed over our hard-earned money to the poor Islamic bankers to build mansions in Canada, and we looked the other way when soccer players fingered each other in the ass in the middle of the field, but enough is enough. It’s time to say we are fed up and we’re not gonna take it anymore.
But, just saying no is not enough. We have to take action. We should form a council; National Iranian Council Against Islamic Tricycles (NICAIT), and the first job of the council should be to elect an Iranian female bicyclist as the president of the council, and her first job should be to explain to the nation why a bicycle style seat is the preferable kind of a seat.
Down with Islamic Tricycles!
Down with Islamic Tricycle seats!
Long live Christian/Western bicycles!
Long live bicycle seats!
Riding Christian/Western bicycles is our inalienable right!