Take Hostages, Wait for Cash

Although we may hate to admit it, the pattern is nevertheless crystal clear.

In 1979 when Iran took the US embassy staff hostage, it released them 333 days later after Ronald Reagan promised them cash, and several other promises he somewhat delivered and reneged on. The arms for hostages, and the Iran-Contra affair, are all there for you to review, of course Wikipedia has the details, but please, choose your own source, it’s all perfectly visible.

When Reagan reneged on the deal, as was to be expected, Iran got really pissed off, and a cold war between Iran and the US has stewed since, over-brewed burnt coffee on this side, over-brewed bitter tea on the other.

Recently when the famous American hikers mistook the trail that was supposed to take them to a beautiful waterfall in Eastern Iraq, landing instead in a remote shack startling the sleeping Iranian border guard, once again the opportunity to take hostages, and hold them for cash, raised it’s head. This time though, Iran made sure the cash was received in advance. Even spicing up the deal with a token early release tasting sample of the female hiker.

The US too learned, not to handle the deal too directly, and worked out the slimy details and plausible deniability, through a Gulf-Arab Sheikh with a penchant for this kind of publicity generating charity.

Upon receipt of payment, the hikers were released and the payment was hilariously called “bail”. I’d like to think that both the US and Iran shared an actual smile over that one.

Other examples of Iran’s “love making technique”, evident in the Iran-influenced Hamas release of the Israeli soldier in return for 200 or so Palestinian/Lebanese prisoners in Israel. Israel, not one to shy from a chance bargain, of course promised 500 prisoners to get the ball rolling. But Israel, like Reagan, has reneged on the deal, and anti-Israeli sentiment has been on the rise in Iran, even more than normal.

You could even draw a conclusion, then paint a pretty pretty picture of how Iran tried to hold the US and Saudis hostage with the foiled Ambassador hit. As if to say, “Dudes, come on, it’s that easy…bada-bing bada-BOOM!”

As Iran becomes more and more experienced with this new-found favorite party trick, namely taking hostages and then selling them back for cash, it becomes somewhat clear, what all the fuss over the Iranian nuclear program really is.

With the nukes, Iran has been holding everyone hostage.

Israel, who fears it is in the direct line of fire, were Iran to finally figure out how to attach nukes to the tips of those pointy Shahab missiles that seem to fly wildly off completely out of control in those testing videos, where the guy counts down and nothing happens at first, so then he counts down again, and right around 5-4-3… the thing suddenly fires and careens off into the Kavir somewhere. Likely killing one of Ari Siletz’s new pet Asian Cheetahs.

Next, Iran has been holding the Gulf-Arabs hostage, because if Iran gets them, then the Gulf-Arabs have to first wake up, then have sex with 5 or 6 of their wives and a couple boys, then get up, then shower, then put on western clothes which are Sooooo… uncomfortable, especially right here in the crotchtastic area, then go off to some Eastern European country that is always so cold and so rainy, just to look for an old Soviet era nuke to bring back. Then they have to hire even more Indians than they already have, just to figure out the user manual and how to set the clock and program the remote, and all of this, just a big ruse so that the US finds out, and they rush in and say, “No, no no, that’s not the right way to do it, here let me show you how …” and takes over and installs US made nukes, and sends them another bill.

I mean who has the time or energy to do all that! The Gulf-Arabs have their hands full just keeping the snow making machines in their indoor ski-slopes full of desalinated water!

But best of all Iran’s nukes keeps the Iranian people at bay. Tame and docile, occasionally smiling even, just like those sheep on those brown grassless hills of those quiet Iranian villages in that Kiarostami movie. In black and white. Focused solely on eating and shitting, with an occasional wistful “Baaaaaaa!” that Iranian scholars-in-waiting like Hamid Dabashi immediately catalog theses as the most definite cry of the famous long lost longer thought extinct Iranian civil rights movement. Without the movement.

On the one hand for Iranian sheep, witnessing Iran getting a nuke is, to tell the truth, kind of cool! Until you put down your clump of dirt-clod-clad grass, sit on a rock, and think, and then suddenly realize the consequence of getting nuked, because you now have one!

Then it’s not so cool.

It must be a sobering feeling, contemplating your skeleton falling to the ground, mere seconds after your flesh and organs sear off into a vaporic “poof!”, and the last idea you have is that the last thought you will likely be thinking as you watch the flash just outside of Tehran or Esfahan, and wait for the shock wave to hit you is, “Oh Sh…”

Which is also likely why Iranians have decided it might be better to keep cool, keep quiet, live these last few moments they have left doing whatever else they want to do except protest, and above all stay out of trouble, and more importantly Evin. Because I mean what could suck more, or who wants to witness the end of the Iranian world, while being raped by an Evin prison guard? Again.

But if I’m right, and this is all mere posturing and posing by Iran, and really just their latest attempt at “virtual hostage taking”, then what remains in this game of Eagle and Donkey, is for the US to wake up, and then come up with the right offer of cash to quell the throbbing in the pants of the mullahs who sniff the air like they smell fresh boy somewhere close by.

What is scarier, is that this iteration of the US, doesn’t seem to get the context, ample historical record and precedent, to realize that the next move is theirs.

Offer Iran some cash already!

You want Iran to give back the Drone? Offer some cash!

You want Iran to stop their Nuke program? Offer some cash!

You want Iran to make nice with Israel? Give some cash to Israel, to offer Iran some cash!

Because according to my unscientific study here, that’s what works. Or at least it is what has worked every single time that Iran has held hostages. Go count.

Of course this is a shitty foreign policy for Iran to have. Completely out of character and wholly uncivilized from the cradle of civilization. But what would you expect from a country of scared-sleepy sheep, but for them to have equally not so bright simpletons as their shepherds?

Now go and just look at the pictures of Iran’s so called elite, their toppest guardiest statesmen. Don’t they ALL look like shepherds? I mean the older ones certainly look like they used to be a shepherds. And have you ever smelled a mollahs aba? Doesn’t that prove it?

Nope, cash. My gut is definitely thinking the US should go with cash. Cash is the best way out of all this. It’s clean, it’s easy, it’s blood-stain-free.

Think of it this way, based on the costs of Iraq and Afghanistan, it would certainly be far cheaper than another war. And don’t listen to Israel, they are always for war because the US is the one that always picks up their tab.

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