The Marriage Thing…

I’m proud to say I’ll be celebrating another wedding anniversary in a few weeks.  Yes, Proud, with a capital “P”.  I say this because I just don’t believe the whole fairytale of “forever” or the “you go into the marriage with a white dress and you’ll come out of it wearing white” thing.  Now I’m not being negative, no I’m just telling it with a more realistic twist. 

Growing up I had a very difficult time understanding the whole marriage thing.  I mean I grew up in a society where anything I wanted or achieved depended on me, I grew up making every decision based on the answer to “why”!  Let me explain, if I wanted to go to college I asked myself “why” and if the answer satisfied me, I made the decision…so answering the “why get married” was always puzzling for me…you see, I could work, wake up when I want, eat what I want, live how I want, and pretty much do as I please when I please, all without having to consider anyone else’s feelings and still have the choice to date or be a part of an ongoing relationship…so why get married?  I got the answer a few years ago when I realized that the beauty in “sharing” the moments of my life with someone and experiencing theirs was the answer to the “why get married”.  I was very fortunate in that Shoharjoon had the same outlook.  So we lived together for a few years and then signed the legal papers and began this thing we call marriage.  My thought even to this day is that there is a possibility that either I or Shoharjoon will decide we no longer see the beauty in sharing our lives with each other someday, but until then this decision we’ve made comes with the responsibility of considering the other partner’s life and feelings and working together to not step over the boundaries that take the beauty out of this life we’re leading…so I am Proud with a capital “P” to say we’ve had yet another year where it’s still beautiful.  

Now don’t get me wrong, beautiful does not in any way mean without ugly.  Oh no, believe me, there’s always ugly in everything, it’s just not as ugly as the beauty if you know what I mean.  Come to think of it, the only fights, arguments or moments of not being close that Shoharjoon and I have had were the result of our Families putting their noses where it doesn’t belong.  And since I’m not Iranian enough to hide the ugly in my life or worry about what someone will think, I openly admit there’s been ugly and it involved family.  The way I see it, anyone who refuses to admit that family at some point in life can cause problems in a marriage is just kidding themselves.  What’s important in my opinion (I say in my opinion to clarify that it doesn’t mean it’s right, it’s just an opinion I’m allowed to have) is that two people in a marriage decide what’s important to them and why, and stick to it…Shoharjoon and I have dealt with my Mother going on a rampage about how Shoharjoon wants to marry me for reasons other than the fact that he loves me and yelling at him over every little thing and then “ghahring” with us…we’ve dealt with his sister telling me that since he’s met me he’s turned into a miserable, unhappy person and that I control him (sad that she thinks so little of her brother)….we’ve dealt with his mother writing him a letter specifically asking him to not show it to me and telling him that his wife should be in the same line as his co-workers and that his sister and him have the same blood type therefore he needs to put her happiness first…now not to forget that our family is our family, we do love them and we do respect them, we also understand that they are human, have emotions that go out of control every now and then, and are allowed to make mistakes.  We don’t hold that against them we just finally figured:  Motherjoon, the reasons of why we want to get married are ours, and you can’t yell at Shoharjoon because it’s like you’re yelling at me, and you know I’ve respected you and expect the same…as my Motherjoon, what should matter to you is my happiness, I am happy. Thank you for your concern.  Sister-in-lawjoon, your brother is an adult, if he is miserable, he is not a prisoner, he may leave at anytime. Thank you for your concern.  Mother-in-lawjoon, damet garm, you should meet Motherjoon, you two will get along, and marrying me doesn’t mean disowning the family, I’m like your daughter not like your son’s co-worker. Thank you for your concern.  And so Shoharjoon and I argued and realized we won’t give into the family…after the hard times, we managed to laugh at how ridiculous and childish our elders were being and how we’d remember this for our children…today I look back at these ugly moments and realize that even then there was some beauty to it.  I realize I’m fortunate to have met Shoharjoon.  

As the day of our anniversary gets closer, I remember our wedding.  We had the best wedding in the whole world.  I’m serious.  We began planning our wedding like everyone else…you know, a place for the reception, the guest list, the band…and an hour into it, we decided to boycott the whole thing.   We asked ourselves “why are we having a wedding” and the best answer we came up with was that we wanted something special to remember the day by…So we hired an “aaghed”, told our immediate family of 8 to meet us on “Top of the World”, a public park in Laguna Beach that overlooks the ocean, we dressed up in our wedding attire and stood on top the world and joined our lives.  We then kissed our families goodbye, got in our rented SUV that was packed with enough food to last a month, and drove through 34 states in 21 days.  We stopped at every state “Welcome” sign, changed into our wedding attire and took a picture under it as passers honked for us.   We ended up having the best 3 weeks of our lives without having to deal with anyone ruining our wedding day with comments like “the chicken was dry” or “the DJ was old”…it was truly our day, our way.    

And so with another year passing by, I’ve thought about the next…I’m going to do my part in making the beauty stand out over the ugly:
-I’m going to continue to remember that Shoharjoon is his own person, and if he likes orange and I like blue, there’s nothing wrong with that.  We don’t have to like the same…
-I’m going to listen to him talk about his future plans, I’ll simply listen and watch as he experiences his plans.  I’ll be there to share the glass of champagne over his success and I’ll be there to share the sadness if his plan doesn’t work.  
-I’m going to remind us both that we didn’t chose to be born, but we can chose how to live.
-I’m going to continue to trust that he won’t judge me, that I’m allowed to make mistakes and that he’s a friend who will listen.
-I’m going to remember that we are both allowed to get upset over stupid things, but that it’s a shame to loose a second of our smiles…
-I’m going to remember that our lives are priceless, that no Dollar amount can be put on what makes us happy…we will have just as much fun camping in our backyard as we will on a trip around Europe.
-I’m going to remember that work is not one of my reasons to live.  That there’ll always be some kind of work, but there’s only one Shoharjoon, only one life with him…
-I’m going to remember to show him and tell him how much the little things he does for me mean, that I do notice that he still opens the car door for me, that he doesn’t eat without offering me some first, that he’ll be tired out of his mind but gives up the soccer game to listen to me blab about work…

But most important of all:

My Father once told us a story about a wife who would always clean the bathroom while laughing out loud after an argument with her husband and that the husband once asked her why she always cleaned the bathroom and laughed after their big fights, and she said “I clean the bowl with your toothbrush”!!!

So my dear Shoharjoon, my best friend, the man I respect for his integrity, drive, brains, and kindness, azize delam who has the sexiest dimples, the most handsome man I’ve ever met, I promise you my love, I WILL NEVER USE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH TO CLEAN OUR BATHROOM 🙂  happy anniversary.

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