Q: Dr G,
Thank you very much for the service you are providing here for us. you are doing us a great favor.
I had met someone online he is 32 and naturally we live in two different countries with different backgrounds. I am divorced and he has never been married but has had several past relationships.
He lives in Tehran, however travels a lot and claims being a rich man from a good socioeconomic class. We are basically talking over the phone regularly and have exchanged photos.
I am calling him everyday internationally several times per day and do so for 2 reasons; one is that i miss him and feel good talking to him and second I want to get to know him better.
We had openly discussed our future plans which for me is marriage whereas he wants to wait and see. He says he likes me so much that he wants to express that intimately (sexually) whereas I am being reserved and would like to have intimacy under the umbrella of marriage.
We are planning to meet each other in a 3rd country soon.
My questions to you Dr. is do you think I am progressing too fast ? And I should slow down? What is the best action plan I can have? The other thing which is bothering me is that I am always the one who is calling. He has never called me once and sometimes he give me just a miss call and I call him back. Why is he not calling me? Also, when I call he sometimes dose not answer (I can say that he might be busy) but he does not call me back ’till I do!
He sounds very passionate and compassionate whenever we communicate, but his behavior is worrying me. Please guide me. Thank you.
– Submitted by Elli, 30, QA
A: Dear Friend,
Thank you for writing. I know that you are not alone in this dilemma. My advice for you is very simple: Keep your eyes open. I am relieved to see that you are not completely in denial and that you are willing to question some things that don’t quite line up.
I would agree with you…why is this “rich businessman” not calling you – ever? I don’t think that the issue here is whether the relationship is progressing too quickly. I mean, if you are going to get married, you need to meet the guy in person. I would be very careful, however, because meeting under highly emotionally-charged circumstances, especially romantic ones, can lead people to intimacy, and it sounds like it’s very important for you to not have sex until after you are married. If that is the case, DO NOT GIVE IN. If you yeild to desire or pressure or desperation (to keep him interested or make him fulfill his promise to you), and then if God forbid he breaks it off with you…well, I don’t think I need to tell you how devastated you will feel on the heels of traveling overseas to meet this man.
I think it’s wise to question everything sooner than later. Why doesn’t he call you? Has he gone out of his way in any manner whatsoever? How do you know he has been faithful to you and is actually as devoted to you as you believe? Is he going to pay for your trip out to see him as well? If he is rich as he says, then he should. And the gentleman-ly thing to do would be to book 2 separate rooms in a nice hotel in that third country where you are going to meet. Ideally, he would come and visit you here, but I understand that for Visa reasons, that may not be feasible. It is, however, another reality you should consider when deciding to pursue this relationship. You need to make sure he is truly in love with you and not the option to come to the United States.
I think the bottom line here is this: People can be whomever they wish to be online. Unfortunately, not everyone matches their profile. You must date online and offline with the knowledge that people can decieve you for quite awhile if they want. You need to be smart, be aware, and pay attention to anything that seems “odd.” When people are long-distance there is a potential for being “fooled” for even longer than normal. Take this slow. If you can get him to do more work, travel to YOU, call YOU…well, then his behavior is at least demonstrating interest (although not evidence of motive). I’m not saying that you should be unreasonably suspicious or paranoid…just be smart!
– Dr. G.