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April 11, 2002 Send us your questions and comments * I am not in love with him I hope you can give me some advise. I am an Iranian woman living in the US, divorced long time before, in my late 40s, my children living in college not at home. I have recently met a man, I will call him N, who is in a very similar situation and who likes me a lot. He is attractive to me, a good soul, pleasant company and very comforting to have his attention. But I am not in love with him. I have been in love passionately before, but my heart was broken in that situation. I think I still love him (who is gone) but it is hopeless and I need to forget him. I don't want to hurt N in the same way that I was hurt. I am thinking we are both mature enough to enjoy a relationship that is not for marriage, and we are obviously both lonely and longing to some intimacy. But maybe this is unrealistic, wishful thinking. I don't know if he is really in love with me (I hope not), or if his feelings are more friendly like mine. But he seems to be someone who takes life seriously, would not fool around casually because he also would not want to hurt someone. I also do not want to fool around, just to be honest in a situation where there maybe some benefit for both of us, but not a life time relationship. I don't need marriage to be taken care of or to satisfy my family. I am financially okay and my children are successful, my job is done. I don't know how to talk about this to him without sounding more cheap than I am, or without risking to hurt him. Please advise me, Abjee-joon ES
Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write: Dear ES, Believe us when we tell you the abjeez fully understand. However, that does not mean you shouldn't enjoy the company of a good man, as you describe him. The only thing is, in order to avoid hurt on both sides, you should be communicative to him about your feelings. You have described it so well in your letter to the abjeez, I am sure you can do the same with your partner. There is no reason for him to be hurt if you are honest with him from the get go and it is obvious you care for him. Just let him know you want to take things slow and you like things the way they are at this point, without pressure to be something more than 2 mature people enjoying each other's company. Sounds like the last relationship you had, where you were in love, was all turmoil. This may be why you are finding it difficult to get over it. Make your current boyfriend understand about your being hurt in the past and it will take time to gain trust again in another person. I am sure he has been there before as well. Also, remember that you never know what may happen in the future. It could very well be that you can develop stronger feelings for this man, even be in love again. Never say never because you don't know what life will bring you. You may not
envision it now but time and trust could lead you to open up emotionally again.
At least consider that possibility and discuss it together. You may experience love
in a very different way, not the painful upheaval that it was last time, but a more
stable and strong experience based on mutual feelings. We sincerely wish that for
you.
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