September 27, 2003

Bush to outsource lawmaking to India

Washington (Reuters International Release)- Citing the growing cost of running the Federal government and the need to cut costs in order to reduce the budget deficit, President
Bush announced today that he was laying off all 535 members of Congress and transferring lawmaking operations to a legislative support center in Bangalore, India.

"Hey, outsourcing is the way to go these days," said Bush at an impromptu news conference where he announced the decision, adding, "The American people want to see less government waste. Since every one of those ex-Congressmen had a salary of $150,000, this move will cut our costs by over $80 million per year, and that's not even counting what we'll save on health insurance and retirement plans."

Sources indicate that the Indian replacements will be paid approximately $250 per month. However, the changes won't take effect immediately, Bush said. "Members of Congress could remain on the job an extra 30 days if they agree to train their replacements. If you think about it, this really frees Congress up. They now have the opportunity to seek better jobs elsewhere in the economy. It really is a win-win for both countries," he went on to say.

The outcry from the newly laid-off Senators and Representatives was swift. Ex-California Senator Diane Feinstein said, "This is absolutely outrageous. How can a bunch of replacements over in India run Congress? What do they know about filibusters and committee hearings?"

As she was being escorted out of the Hart Senate Office Building by U.S. Capitol Police officers, Feinstein complained that the newly terminated lawmakers, those who chose not to train their replacements, were only given ten minutes to clean out their desks and leave the building.

"I think it's a great idea," said Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking from a secure undisclosed location. "The American people were fed up with that expensive do-nothing Congress which didn't always give the President everything he asked for. Our new Indian replacements will be much more cooperative to the President, which is what we all want."

Asked whether the outsourcing may be unconstitutional, Cheney noted," That's up to the Supreme Court to decide, but as you know, they usually see things our way."

The new members of Congress seem thrilled with the attention they are receiving.

Speaking from the offices of All-India Legislative Support Centre Ltd. in Bangalore, new Mississippi Senator Ramchandra Shekar Gupta told reporters, "The Indian people are very hard working and we will do our best as U.S. Congressmen and Congresswomen. And we are going to have some Fun too. Just think: we have $2 trillion of the American taxpayers' money to spend!"

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