| January 21, 2004
Iran: Ban events of mass destruction 
TEHRAN, IRAN (The
Onion) -- After years
of refusing to provide information about the
country's underground activities, Iranian president Mohammad Khatami
surprised the world Monday by announcing that the nation has decided
to ban events of mass destruction. "Opening the doors to seismic
reform is the first step toward ensuring a safer future for the
people
of Iran," Khatami announced on Al-Jazeera. "We will voluntarily
make
moves to ban further production of devastating seismic waves like
those experienced during the earthquake in Bam." Even Iranian
political and religious hardliner Ayatollah Hashemi Janati lauded
the
decision, stating that it "will eliminate the need to stretch
our
hands out for the charity of our warmongering American oppressors."
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