From aftabeh to Mars
Behind the scenes of Iran's nuclear industry
September 16, 2003
The Iranian
The world is in a state of anguish as it to what the government
of Iran is up to and how far it has progressed in testing its dreaded
"Islamic Bomb".
The US government is adamant in the validly of its
satellite imagery that in and around the city of Natanz, Iranian
scientists have been busy processing
weapon-grade enriched uranium which has no usage other
than manufacturing an atomic bomb. Not a day passes without hearing
of an imminent threat to the world from
Iran's atomic ambitions.
I have reliable inside information about nuclear activities in
Iran that prompted me to contact major news organizations. Journalistic
ethics prevent me from disclosing my sources; however
I am
at
liberty to expose what indeed is going on
behind the scenes in Iran.
Since the dawn of theocracy in Iran, there has
been rumors about attempts to gain access to enriched
uranium. Iran's propaganda machine and military counter-intelligence
units have made sure Western nations
are
kept
fully
informed of its apparent attempts, but the government
officially denies the allegations. Sounds very Iranian doesn't
it?
To start, let's take a look at the Islamic regime and ask, "What
has the government built in its 24-year reign ?" The answer,
as Julio my Mexican friend would
say is, "Nada!" Of all the sciences in the
world, the genius mullahs have been meticulously
focused on self-cleaning, or "Ass-trohygiene".
For centuries hundreds
of
books have been written on the art of potty training,
which in Mesopotamian folk literature is known as bottom fishing.
"Golaab-beh-rootoon".
While the rest of the world has taken giant leaps building
advanced gadgets, from the can-opener to toilet tissue
holders, Iran's mullahs shunned away from any involvement
with engineering and collectively placed their focus on the
theological details of tahaarat (an Arabic word for hygiene).
First I have to tax you with some background on the evolution of
sciences in Iran. About 1400 years ago a man by the name of Abu
Hemar Ebne Tarrar invented the first aftabeh (toilet pitcher).
To this date, there are substantial arguments of Tarrar's national
origin.
While
Iranians claim he was born in Iran, Mesopotamians argue that he
was a native of that region and merely traveled to Iran.
Today Tarrar's very first aftabeh design is widely referred
to as the Model-A. There are only two proto-types of this mind-boggling
invention in exsitence; one is in the British Museum in London
and the other in the Hermitage in Saint Petersburg, Russia. More
than 17 million tourists visit both each year.
The one in the British
Museum was smuggled out of Iran during the Qajar dynasty when they
also lost the world's largest diamond -- Kooh-Nour -- to the British
as partial settlement of the war of 1850. But Iranians
don't care about their plundered diamond or loss of a third
of their
territory to the Russians. What they do want back is their
beloved model-a aftabeh. Iran's claim is still pending
a
review at the International Court of Justice. But don't hold
your breath.
The aftabeh has been such an amazing tool that despite the passage
of fourteen centuries, no scientist
has been able to make any major modifications to Tarrar's
original creation. According to Marco Polo, who traveled Iran in1270
A.D., "the people of Iran were so advanced in self cleaning
and powder room ethics that basically it created a lot of resentment
among the backward Europeans of those days who were still using
rocks and leaves to clean themselves."
According to Ibn Batootah (600 A.D.), Iranians made
one promise to themselves, "never invent anything
else again". They keep their aftabeh as their sole contribution
to the world for generations to come. In fact according to the
archives of the Iran-British Oil Consortium, which will most likely
become declassified 750 years from now, there is a research
article called "From Aftabeh to Mars". The author discusses
the little known "Oath of Aftabeh", which is taken by
members of the secretive free masonry in Iran, to facilitate a
continuous
brain-drain
and prevent -- God forbid -- the possibility that some Iranian
may inadvertently invent something beyond the aftabeh.
In unexpected ways, the aftabeh has clearly been instrumental
in mankind's thrust into industrialization. First
of all, centuries of advances have resulted in manufacturing of
the Aftabeh-2003, which has all the same features
as previous
models
but can dispense
as much
as one
gallon
of water per toilet sitting.
And according to inscriptions on a huge rock in front of city
hall in the holy city of Qom, the aftabeh has always had other
scientific usage. For example Mongol Ass-tronomers
used it to measure the Moon's angle of deviation from the
curvature of Earth at the line of horizon. By placing the aftabeh
perpendicular to the ground they measured the curvature from the
resulting shadow created at night under a full Moon.
Same inscriptions
indicate that Arab Ass-trologists calculated the distance
between Earth's two poles by pointing the aftabeh towards the
east and line up the handle with the Northern Star and the long
end
of it
with the Moon.
But the "Oath of Aftabeh" is still fully enforced in
Iran and parts of Afghanistan. Anyone suspected of potentially
inventing
something differeent or practical is encouraged to leave
the country and put his scientific mind to good use in the land
of infidels. The remaining 65 million are in full submission.
There are an estimated two aftabehs per household in Iran. However
this number reaches about five in Qom's seminaries and among religious
families. Iran also holds the highest per capita ownership of aftabeh,
followed by England which maintains an open door policy for mullahs
and rich
Arabs who do their banking and shopping there -- and occasionally
visit topless bars. England's major imports from Iran continue
to be
cheap crude oil
followed
by aftabehs.
Now let's focus on the
issue of nuclear energy and recent controversial discoveries.
When we speak of nuclear energy we have to understand its
Persian equivalent which is "Energy-ye Hasteh-ee".
What this means is that Iran's charlatan rulers have completely
manipulated world opinion and created the false fear that
Iran may
indeed be close
to having an atomic bomb.
Relax! No such thing! Energy-ye Hasteh-ee is basically nothing
more than Iran's centuries-old habit of saving fruit
pits and seeds, or "hasteh" in Persian. For example they
save apricot pits ("haste-ye zardaaloo") for the delicious
nucleus that is very nutritious and gives you lots of "energy".
And the same is true with peaches and other fruits that also
have edible
centers.
In a nutshell, all these fruits have "Energy-ye Hasteh-ee".
One may ask what about satellite images that allegedly
depict nuclear processing centers near Arak and Natanz, south
of Tehran? Excellent question indeed!
The answer is, if you magnify those images you will see they
are nothing more than fruit-drying factories and "lavaashak" manufacturing
plants. Basically Tehran's devilish rulers want
to pretend that
they are very close to enriching uranium.
What those images show are sheets
of crushed plums or apricots spread flat and hung from ropes
to dry in the sun. These sheets of lavaashak are sold as a delicacy.
Now does anyone think the Pentium-4 chip in a satellite spy-cam
can tell the difference between a nuclear facility
and a lavaashak
factory? Of course not!
Lavaashak in its pure form is the sole manifestation
of Iran's Energy-ye Hasteh-ee. Seeds are taken out and
the "enriched" fruits cooked in central towers
fed by huge copper
pots. Then they flatten the remaining thick paste until cold
and solid and finally hang them from cloth lines for many days.
When dry, they cut them into small sheets, wrap and send them off
to market. Its sweet and sour taste is loved by all Iranians.
When you look at yards and yards of dark sheets
hanging from ropes next to a building that has tall smoking
chimneys, what does it remind you
of?
Well, it reminds Pentagon spy satellite analysts of Three-Mile
Island nuclear plant. And
that
is precisely what the Islamic government wants: to get the
same political leverage North Korea is enjoying today.
So America, sleep tight and don't worry! Iran has no atomic
bomb and has not gained access to enriched uranium, since
such technological advancements would violate the Oath
of Aftabeh. But beware of the power of the aftabeh. If
Americans want
to contain Iran's Islamic regime, they must force them
to sign the Aftabeh Non-Proliferation Treaty which has been adopted
by all
nations except Iran.
In the next article, I will focus on how Iran
is secretly constructing a delivery system to send its first
aftabeh to Mars in search of water.
Author's notes
1) The world's largest collection is owned by Queen Elizabeth
II. The priceless items were gifted by Iran's
ambassador to London during thanks-for-the-revolution ceremonies
in 1979.
2) For those who have no idea what an aftabeh looks like, I found
an image on the internet that shows how it's being used
as a directional
antenna for mobile and GPS communication.
Also click
here for aftabeh usage in the aviation
industry.
Author
Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the founder of PersianParadise.com
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